HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Water Chestnuts; Poor Britney Spears; Howling Hounds, etc...


POOR BRITNEY SPEARS! I have been meaning for quite a while to present her behaviour for "blogside" examination. I mean, what on earth is wrong with the woman? She's been regularly reported driving "wrongly" in her car. Driving round Los Angeles with your baby on your lap then saying it's "because you're country" doesn't really wash, Britney.

The most obvious cause of her odd goings-on would, of course be drugs. She certainly looks like she's on something. Legal or not it's surely something strong as well!

Repeatedly the scatty girl has failed to take and allegedly failed numerous court-appointed drugtests. The famously mysterious headshaving escapade was suposedly an attempt to thwart a proposed hairstrand analysis. The strand test, you must understand, goes into far more embarrassing detail than a simple urine or blood screen. Not only does it blare out what you've taken - but how much of it and how often... going back at least two months - potentially far longer. THAT's what got Britney and those clippers together... see what I mean now?

Surely though, even she could see that, by shaving her bonce coot-bald and garnering Alp-sized mounds of publicity even if she HAD taken drugs, even heroin (and I'm not saying she has) the scandal, rumour and speculation kicked up by all this has lost her out far more than she could ever have hoped to have "gained".

So what's behind poor Britney's increasingly "lost" and "odd" and frankly incomprehensible behaviour? All manner of speculation has been mooted. The most persistent pointer being (drink and drugs aside) that Britney is "bipolar" (that is manic-depressive to me and you) ... which would put down her irrational outbursts and oddball acting out as symptoms of "mania". I'm not so sure. (Well I'm not a psychiatrist either.) But surely if she IS taking even half the drugs she's alleged to, then her hyper episodes have nothing to do with any "disorder" and everything to do with a good oldfashioned drug-induced HIGH!

And now we hear she's supposed to be holed up with a slimeball Brit visa-dodging paparazzo and two of his chums. The guy in question has, according to the Sun newspaper, been stalking her for five months, has filmed her and got all manner of "revelations" out of her in recent days and is demanding a million dollar fee to reveal all... Honestly even I am beginning to think we've seen and heard enough already...

The worst incident of all happened last weekend when, facing the prospect of having to give back her children, who she'd taken in on an "access" visit, back to her ex-husband she freaked out totally, threatening to kill herself and wound up being carted off by ambulance to a mental hospital. This is perhaps the most lurid episode yet in this terribly sad publicly played out tale of personal decline. If she's not careful, Britney's going to lose her kids for good. And to whom? That spivvy rat Kevin Federline?

C'mon Britney! "Bipolar", drug-addict, whatever ~ you're better than that!

I HAVE DISCOVERED THE WORLD'S ULTIMATE BAYING HOUND! It's a rare (and real!) species called the New Guinea Singer. Reportedly the world's oldest breed of dog, and only semidomesticated, the New Guinea Bayer (as I like to call it) prefers "singing" a whistly howl - to their worldwide doggie cousins' traditional bark. You'll see the New Guinea Bayer on my Youtube screen of the Day. Or if you'd prefer to find out about the squealy swines in more detail (with more baying sqeezed into less time than ever before!) clickonthis and select the "listen again" option. Once you've done that you can minimize and the prog will play on while you can lope off bloghopping or emailing or doing whatever you please online.

I REALLY MUST GO TO THE CHINESE SUPERMARKET on an ingredients hunt one of these days. The ordinary supermarkets' "oriental" sections with the industrial blackbean sauces etc I've been chucking on my quick-chop chicken stirfries are hardly replete with the currymixes of my heart's desire... For example last week I looked everywhere for canned waterchestnuts, which I love and which are expensive... only to find waterchestnuts melanged with nasty cheap old beansprouts. Now I don't mind beansprouts but I'm not stupid. They are cheapo and common. Waterchestnuts are rarified and uncommon. I don't want gold mixed with dogs' doings!

Babycorn is another fave and also costly. For £1 you can get about 15 fresh ones - but usually packaged with mangetout. Though I must confess those are the deluxe mangetouts that go ultrasweet and yummy in mixed stirfry. My secret ingredient for that (as well as the controversial MSG) is a couple or three pinches of dustpepper, especially over the fried rice. Now there's a time for coarse ground pepper - I'd say it goes best on European dishes. But dustpepper (you know the working class type of pepper most of us used to sprinkle on our fondues in the 1970s) comes into its own on Chinese food. It adds that jazzy pep without getting obtrusive.

THOSE NAUGHTY GREMLINS! Remember I said I'd put down an extra Parmesan tube as the original - a urine-stinking toilet cubicle - had been taken over by Bashful and Itchy as a new bedroom. Well the naughty swines had taken to peeing and then sleeping in BOTH tubs. The tubby swines! They do look entertaining, specially when they poke their pink noses out in response to my nonsensical cooed greetings. Just like Pingpong the Chinese hamster (click here to see Youtube film) who had no fewer than FIVE nests in his old house at one time - my gremlins (and they do look just like minigremlins when they sit on their haunches) - have FOUR beds. The teabox, two Parmesan toilets and their strawberry Jaffa Cakes box. The boxes are going to have to be changed soon as their whole house pongs of pee-pee. They are funny critters. That teabox was so stashed up with birdseeds at one point they barely had room to sleep. (They love sleeping on their seeds. Weird creatures. Imagine bedding down for the night on the contents of your refrigerator!) I have to say they're wise to stash their dinner rather than leaving it out. I personally wouldn't trust those naughty wild mice not to sneak in and pinch bits of it...

MY MEMOIRS are crawling slowly along... Far more slowly than I'd like. I have to be incredibly careful not to miss anything out. Unlike blogging this writing is meant to be permanent and authoritative - I can't be quite so casual. Can't say "oh I was going totell you this or that but I can't remember so I'll fill you in later." You expect a precision and authority from the printed word that blogs don't always provide.

I know it doesn't always show thru my bouncy-bouncy writing style, but I am still feeling pretty down and exhausted and wading through honey and sleeping hours and hours each day. (Not just at night, but halfway through many of my daytimes too...) I am making effort to pull myself out of all - in line, I suppose, with my Resolutions that aren't really Resolutions.

Now I am exhausted. I have chicken in the fridge - chicken and mixed vegetable ciao maine is calling me. OK so I'm off: cheerio everyone!

AND LAST AND MOST CERTAINLY LEAST: THOSE YUKKY UNITED STATES PRESIDENTIAL "PRIMARIES" are blithering up the radio waves. And far too much in my view. Three floating voters were just on prevaracating on and on about who they might "favor". They Republican former mayor of NYC Giuliani seems to have pretty much dropped out. Hillary's trailing badly, so I hear, behind Obama. I know she's a highly controversial figure and that lots of people don't like her... but I have an inkling, a hunch, that she might somehow steal through and snatch that crown at the end!

PS What's all this crap about Obama being "black" - he's MIXED RACE - duh! ie just as WHITE as he is black!!

28 comments:

Akelamalu said...

You're really into Chinese cuisine aren't you Gleds?

I feel sorry for Britney she needs a lot of help. :(

Gledwood said...

O yeah.

Few years ago I used to live RIGHT round the corner from the Chinese takeaway... my ultimate fantasy was to have a Chinese Takeaway Gold Card for endless meals...

now I've MADE MYSELF a goldcard my learning how to make those delectable dishes myself... though I must say it's definitely the MSG that makes all the difference

:-\

Gledwood said...

ps blackbean sauce ROCKS!

john.g. said...

I rather like King Prawns with spring onion, bean sprouts and egg-fried rice. And of course a dash of chilli!!

Gledwood said...

ukk I cannot abide prawns I'm afraid

has to be "normal" silver torpedo shaped fish

or beef/lamb/chicken

boring old sod aren't I?!?

Z said...

Can't do the dustpepper. The sneezing has been known to set off alarms.

Ron Knee said...

Gleds, went to cage this morning, no sign of movement. Lifted up plastic cheese house and found hamm stiff as a board. After interview with daughter I concluded that five years* was a great age for a hamm.

Buried him this evening next to winky the rabbit with a little cross made by my youngest daughter in the middle of the garden in a jewelry box.

Thanx for input. Sad tho.

Gledwood said...

Z: they sell that in the joke shop as Sneezing Powder!

Ron Knee: FIVE!?! YOU SERIOUS? You had a hamster who lived till five that must surely be a world record you know the average is TWO???

leslie said...

Hi...popped by to see what you're up to. Thx for stopping by my place. It mentions in the video that there's some research going on in Victoria, Canada - just across the water from me (Vancouver area).

Re the American political scene - it's all over here, too. But because they're our immediate neighbours, their situation affects us so I keep informed. Yes, Obama is 1/2 1/2 but I think in the USA, one drop of black means you're black. I think Hill might take it in the end, too.

Eileen said...

Blackbean sauce DOES rule!

Poor, poor Britney. Could you imagine taking the preverbial nose dive and having cameras flash in your face while you do it. No doubt this whole whole debacle is a publicist's wet dream. Apart from thinking that she lacks talent, I feel sorry for her.

Hope all is well with you.

jan said...

Britney, we should just stone her. The howling hound is pretty cool though. The primaries are basically a comedy hour.

lettuce said...

ah, children of the night. What sweet music they make!

cool canines

sorry you've had a crappy day, i hope tomorrow is better. hang in there

Liz said...

Veal brains urgh! look ghastly. Surely it's far too risky to eat anything associated with the nervous system?

Cadburys mini eggs on the other hand, yum yum.

I'm writing a website at the moment about Chinese desserts. I'm not surprised the Chinese tend to eat fruit for pudding; their desserts are a bit ... well, not as good as apple crumble or sticky toffee pudding.

Deb said...

I LOVE water chestnuts too. We get them here quite easily. And baby corn...two of my favorites in Chinese dishes.

Blackbean sauce is delicious. But I must confess...I also love S & S and plum sauce too. Chinese is definitely one of my favorites.

I had a goldfish for seven years. And a fighting fish for five. Creatures do well with me...I talk and sing to them, although I'm surprised the latter doesn't do them in.

As for your question re our "football". It's similar to rugby (which we do have here...just isn't real popular. My boss's daughter/coworker plays rugby). The goal in football is for one team to advance the ball to the "endzone" - either by passing or running. In Canadian football we get three tries each go, American players get 4. If you don't advance 10 yards with your "possession"/tries, then you must kick the ball to the other team and they get their chance to come your way. Also, if a team gets close enough to the "endzone", but has run out of "downs" (tries/chances), they can get the kicker to kick it through the uprights for what is known as a "field goal".

A field goal gives a team 3 points.

A TD (touchdown) - which is when the ball is carried/passed into the endzone is worth 6. Then the team gets a convert - a chance to add an extra point with a kick through the uprights or an extra 2 points by running/passing it into the endzone again (from a short distance away). It's normal for most teams to kick for a one point conversion after a TD....2 pointers are for special circumstances.

That's pretty much the basics right there.

;)

(I'm not proof reading/editing so, hopefully, I got it right)

Janice said...

Hi Gledwood,

Britany is a goof ball, and should be locked up till she gets her head straight. I sorry to sound so harsh but look what she has done to her own children? She needs to get a gripe and starting realizing her children need her not a druggy momma.

Janice~

Toccata said...

Good call on Obama. It's wrong to make people chose which race they belong to when they are of mixed decent. Looks as though Hillary had a surge in New Hampshire and his now ahead but it's early days yet. Should be an interesting race.

Ok, I got a little sidetracked there. Like your new profile pic although I realize I have been away for awhile so maybe it's no longer new but cute all the same.

Bimbimbie said...

I have heard of the New Guinea Singing Dog before and enjoyed the interview .... didn't agree with the chappie who thought they looked like the ones he buys at the markets in China to take home to eat. They are discovering many new undiscovered animals in the wild highlands of NG. Such a pity they can't all remain undiscovered by man.

I conducted my own scientific experiment with my own little canine. The singing of the wild dogs caused little more than a twitch of his ears. Didn't even lift his head or look my way But his paws covered his ears immediately he heard me mutter Britney Spears ;)

Casdok said...

I hope Britney accepts the help that she obviously needs.

And yes blackbean sauce ROCKS!!

Audrey said...

Used to love trawling through the shelves in the chinese supermarket we have here, didnt know what a lot of the goods were used for but always stocked up on satay, plum sauce, two of my favourites.

There is a hallal store across from my place of work again so much there that I wouldnt have the foggiest idea of how to use and in which dishes,but the lady there has produced recipe cards for her customers which was very thoughtful and helpful.

Veal brains..ughhhhhhhhh!!!

I do wish they would leave both Britney and Amy Winehouse alone and give them some space

Hope your getting a lot of enjoyment from writing your memoirs a sense of accomplishment each time you write a little more...keep going

Have a good day Gleds x

Liz said...

Now I know it's not water chestnuts but have you herad of Peking Dust? It's basically whipped cream and sugar in a pile, topped with dust from the Mongoian desert, aka, ground chestnuts. It's one of the nicer sounder Chinese desserts i've come across.

Gledwood said...

Leslie: I think Hills IS going to take it... short of some disaster happening along the way...

Eileen: I'm OK not too brilliant not TERRIBLE either... I've just found out blackbean sauce is basically black beans in dark soy sauce isn't it... hmmm even I could make that! as for Brits yeah you're damn right

Jan: those "primaries" sound utterly exhausting I'm surprised anyone has energy left to BE president after going through them...

Lettuce: hear that radio 4 prog if you want more howling and hollering!

Gledwood said...

Liz: yeah I was thinking about that the other day Chinese and Indians are not known for good deserts are they?!? I did have lovely ice cream in coconut shell in Chinese once that was cool and I took the coconut shell home. I'm not familiar with that plum one... is it hoi sin?

Deb: I don't know that I've ever watched a game right through of American football... if it's anything like rugby it's probably BETTER to watch as the ball goes flying all over the place far more though the game always seems to be stopping

Janice: I shudder to think what Britney's end will be like. At least if she DOES die it will seal her legend with the "glamour" of an early death :-<

Toccata: I am more and more sure Hills will winnit... hey do you like my all-new pictures - wow!

Gledwood said...

PS Debs: water chestnuts do rule! yeah...

Bimbimbie: did you listen to the radio 4 thing then... didn't they HOLLER?!?

maybe your dog was tired..??

Casdoc: I hope Hillary GETS that help b4 it's too late...

Audrey: sense of accomplishment and not a sense of torture? ha! actually the sense of torture is leaving me now I no longer demand minimum amounts of words yet still churn out just as many (psychology!!)

Liz: never heard of THAT one... hey I've looked hard for that Chinese curry sauce you said was crap but they've obviously discontinued it...

d. chedwick bryant said...

Chinese made at home is superior to the take away --it shouldn't take you long to be fab at it.

Britney: The telltale sign of major drug scoring --all the times she left her mansion, drove a short distance and checked into a pricey hotel for a few hours. She did this over and over again. She'd even leave the hotel barefoot and wander around, then go to a small public restroom --with another person--she did that many times-- it is obvious some serious drugs are involved but people just said--oh, she doesn't like to go to the bathroom alone, she wants to sleep at a hotel for 3 hours.
OK whatever--I hope she doesn't accidently run over anyone or hurt one of her kids. Is she trying to fill the void left by Anna Nicole Smith?

WAT said...

That pic of the howling dog with regards to Britney is hilarious! SO PERFECT! AHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAH!

Yes, Obama is half, but so many here in the U.S. want to forget that. A matter of racial convenience I suppose.

Gledwood said...

DC Bryant: I never heard them faxx about Britney... but that is intriguing... can't she score more cleverly than that? I spose not... how inconvenient (for her)...

Wat: well some people say Britney IS a dog...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood