HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 08, 2011

Sleep sleep yet there's too much sleep!

I SLEPT 17 HOURS STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT. I went to the nut-nut clinic. Everybody in the waiting room looked quite sane and well put together. Then I shambled in, sat by the leaflets, took 10 and spent half an hour flicking through stuff about giving up smoking, taking up a positive lifestyle etc. I'm into all that crap now.

Then an accusatory nurse ushered me into a tiny room. No padding on the walls, though I did notice what looked like a straitjacket thrown over the back of a chair by the window. Then he demanded to know how paranoid I was and why I was there and whether I was there for a mood stabilizer (which I told him I don't want). Then he said "I'll make an appointment for you to see a doctor". I told him I'm exhausted and sleeping too long and I can't stop being depressed. Slightly depressed, not very depressed. And that was that.

On the way back I walked to Valium Marilyn's house. She has just been let out of hospital having had her gallstones pulverized inside her.

I passed this amazing pond. It was a concrete pond and very big. It wasn't connected to any river and yet it was swarming with these tiny fishies. Little green ones that glint brightly in the sun. They loved the weeds in that pool. I so wished I had a giant net to catch some to take home as pets. But as it is my pet fish still live in this public pool. I spent ages staring at them. I didn't go too near the edge in case some babboon appeared from the trees and pushed me in.

Valium Marilyn has lost weight, she looks emaciated in fact. Then I weighed myself on her bathroom scales. She had to keep banging them to make them reset to zero because they're digital. I came in at 14 stone and a quarter pound, three times in a row, then 14 stone 1 twice in a row. There are 14 pounds in a stone so that's (14x14)+1 which is 193 pounds if my maths are correct. No it's not it's 197 pounds because I was 201 before and lost 4 which makes sense. Yeah so I lost weight. Somehow.

Then she wanted to score some "blues" which are 10mg Valiums she bought 40 of them and gave me 5. I pretended to take 4 at once, like she did, but really I took one.

Then we went shopping all veering all over the place. She comes over all chirpy on Valium so kept haranguing the foreigh shopkeepers for British foods like Angel Delight which they won't stock (butterscotch Angel delight is the best, with lots of milk (unlike most products which are best stronger, angel delight is best slightly weaker than the packet instructions)).

Then I fell asleep from 5pm until TEN IN THE MORNING which means I was out cold for 17 hours!

Then I got up all clucking and had to go to the chemists sick which I hate. I was only slightly sick. All sweating and cold, it was disgusting. So I got the juice and knocked a good bit back in a phone box, like a real junkie. I actually used to get a secret thrill from hitting up gear in public toilets and especially phone boxes I just loved the scumminess of it all (being solidly middle class it was a novelty for me)... then I went in the library and read this book about brain surgery. Then I went home and slept AGAIN. FIVE HOURS out cold. I sleep sleep sleep. I'm hardly in the lower depths of depression but I don't feel all right at all. I'm having a hep C test just so they can't keep blaming that. I never had hep C before, I don't think I've got it now.

Now I've got to run I'm too cold. Did you know the bit of the brain they impose a lesion upon in psychosurgery is called something like the anterior cingulate gyrus. Something like that. This poor woman was a GP yet so depressed she was under compulsory detainment for a year (that is a "section" in British language). Then she had to be transported from Southampton or somewhere like that to DUNDEE in Scotland to have her brain butchered. Reading this did nothing to improve my mood.

But I did have a quality moment with those fishes so all is not bad. I hope y'all have a good weekend. If I can think up something furry I'll post it otherwise I'll be back Monday.

Illustrated: I do believe these green fish have been genetically engineered. Mine weren't QUITE so bright. But does anyone know what they're called. They were about one inch long, able to live in British waters (ie extremely hardy) and pretty quick, compared to the dopey aquarium fish you get they moved about as fast as minnows but I don't think they were minnows...


Ms. Moon said...

Neon tetras? The fish, I mean.

Gledwood said...

No! You don't get them wild over here! They come from the Amazon. I really wanted Cardinals ~ you know that look like even more Neon-looking neons. Amazing!

Syd said...

If in freshwater, they may be a species of darter. I am not a freshwater fish person.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood