HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 15, 2011



That is, I'm in a "low mood". I'm not clucking, not detoxing, methadone is holding me as well as it ever does.

I cleared up my room in one go.
I knew that was the only way I'd get it done. It's far from perfect but I got an amazing amount done between 5 and 10 am. The council lady looked at me and said "you're not coping, are you?" and I said "no" (well I couldn't say yes could I?)

Then I vegetated in front of the television. I've managed to lose that box set of The Wire so there's nothing decent to watch.

This afternoon I slept for several hours. I went to bed around the time I decided against scoring gear, even though the idea was niggling at me. You have to understand if you're not a British heroin user that the quality of the drug on these shores has droped precipitously since there was a blighted opium harvest in Afghanistan last year. They say purity has fallen from 30 or 40% down to 13 or 14% but frankly I find it hard to believe it's even that strong.

Yesterday a friend brought some round after a two hour round trip involving frineds of friends and a trip to the edge of town. This is the best gear you can get and I barely felt it. If I hadn't been in mixed company I'd have banged up the entire £20 bag in one but didn't want the "be careful"s and tut-tutting this would invoke. I don't care if I die on heroin. If heroin wasn't deadly it wouldn't have been anything like the attraction it was to the young depressed me.

So I slept the same as I would have done on heroin but saved myself £20.

Then I went to the supermarket which I hate doing when I'm down I cannot decide what to buy, nothing inspires me and I feel stranded there. Miserable and exhausted with people rushing to the left and the right when all I want is to be home alone with the door locked and the world kept at bay.

Now I'm regretting not using.

I think heroin users should get death by firing squad for a first offence. Or if you think that sounds fascist, make it a voluntary death penalty. I'd volunteer. In fact, I'd be first in line.


Anonymous said...

Yesterday, I would have been right behind you in the firing squad, but today with the Heroin in me, and not having Methadone block its effects I think the best way to go out is to OD on H.

Thanks for telling Anon on my blog whats going on, or what went on.

In my blog I posted About Angie's death, I didn't tell the part about after Angie's funeral we were driving to the dinner afterward, that me, my mom, and my dad driving were all in the car. My dad drove into oncomming traffic to try to kill us all so we could all be together. My mom had to yank the stearing wheel until we went into the ditch.

My dad was so distraght he needed his pain pills to numb the emotional pain. So yes, for a few days he did abuse his pain pills. Not as much as I was. My mom only took one a few minutets after she found out Angie had died, and one at the furneral.

Are you an only child? If thats too personal you don't have to tell me, or if you want to tell me but don't want anyone else to know just email me the answer.

Oh yes, and tell me what question you had about my book?

I'm signing in anon because it doesn't delete my comments right after I write a long one.


Gledwood said...

Highlight the comment in blue and make sure it is saved in the mouse, then you'll know for sure it will come through. I've lost loads of long comments and I know how annoying it is.

No I have 2 brothers, one blood brother one step brother they are 1 and 2 years younger than me. I don't write about them because I don't see them. We never fell out it's just I was a raving junkie and felt too self conscious to go out and meet my brother when he was in London. You know waiters glaring at me thinking "junkie". Even when I posh myself up I just look like a gutter junkie who's washed his hair. I'd be far more comfortable eating fish and chips and swigging special brew on a park bench but that's not my brother's style.

Lots of people on pain meds "abuse" them when they're feeling stressed. Doctors don't see it as abuse because stress genuinely does increase physical pain. And so what if your Mum took 2 pills? I think Anonymous could have at least read a bit more of your blog before making a really stupid comment that you're a family of pill poppers, it's so obvious you're NOT. Also how would you have stayed clear for all that time if your house was overflowing with drugs like Anonymous wants to suppose. Ridiculous.

I posted up a song for you Moist Womanly Needs it's under "heroin wiped away my tears" and it has a really vulgar woman giving the voice over.

I can't remember exactly what the question was, it was probably something to do with being in prison that I didn't want to ask on your blog. I will go back to the book and email my queries soon. Take care


have fun on the tar

Akelamalu said...

You sound like you've given up on every getting clean Gleds. That is such a shame but it's down to you whatever you do. :(

Gledwood said...

I don't know what I think. I know heroin is no answer except as a death hastener. That's the attraction of heroin.

Don't take anything I say too seriously at the moment I don't know what I'm thinking

lizzydripping said...


hugs to you sir.


Gledwood said...

Thanks Lizzie, I put that in my next post with my shout to you

Syd said...

Sorry to hear this Gleds. I hope that your mood lifts.

Gledwood said...

It's better today (Sunday) than it was yesterday but I only had a couple of hours' sleep last night which does lift mood albeit temporarily. I want it to lift properly into a manic type mood because when I was manic I genuinely wanted out of Drugs permanently and for ever and I genuinely believed that



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood