VIVE la résistance! RESISTING. Resisting ~ it's the thing I'm absolutely worst at. Every decision, pledge and scheme; every about-turn I've made or promised to make: nothing has worked.
And it's all been down to "brown" ~ that Afghan brown crap (illustrated) that's swilling about the streets of Britain like pigs' diarrhoea.
Heroin... what is this stuff that's captured me, impaled my heart?
There are three types of street heroin in the world, from four places: Columbia, Mexico, Afghanistan and the Union of Myanmar (Burma).
Burmese heroin is pure white ~ so-called Grade 4. When years ago, I had some grams of it, this stuff snorted up my nose like purely driven snow. No smell and barely any taste. But a clear, warm, highly refined heroin feel.
Afghanistan supplies well over 90% of the world's heroin trade. Their gear is brown heroin "base"; the so-called Grade 3. Unlike the white stuff it's smokeable. It looks, feels, smells like the organic poppy-derived product that it is. Not designed for injection, it requires citric acid, vitamin C or lemon juice to break it down. The resulting hit contains codeine, morphine and all the poppy alkaloids on top of diamorphine ~ a syrupy, drowsy, intoxicating opiate cocktail. I used to look at the muddy powder with its oriental earthy smell and think, this is what I'm chained to; I'm tied to the very earth itself.
The last heroin ~ Grade 2 ~ originates in Mexico and is called "tar" or "mud". It looks just like hashish and is the main gear of California and the Western United States. I've only encountered this on British streets when our ordinary supply has been droughted. Not necessarily weaker, it is however sticky and tougher than ordinary "B" and demands more citric to break down for injection. The resulting concoction rapidly corrodes veins ~ and if you "miss" the vein; so I've heard, this stuff can fester into the most spectacular abscesses.
So that's heroin. Why take it? Why indeed (he asks regretfully!) One first-time user likened it to a "second-rate sleeping-pill". Most people, in fact, when they first abuse it, feel hot, dizzy, itchy & and more often than not so headily nauseated they rapidly end up with their face in the toilet.
Only when it's already addicting you does the full effect of heroin kick in. And then it seems magical, soothing, glowing; spreading impermeable warmth around body and soul.
Over months and years the inexorable law of diminishing returns kicks in. And though the drug service leaflets will claim that in the end, "the drug must be taken purely to remain 'normal'", this isn't quite 100% true. What always remains is a residue, a tantalizing glimpse or promise of the old magic that, every now and then the drug still delivers.
Each drug you experiment with opens a different door. Some ~ like magic mushrooms ~ can be enchanting and marvellous (perhaps frightening ~ perhaps laden with delight)...
The heroin door is the biggest, stoutest and most mysterious of all. Usually it is furthest back and swathed in shadow, difficult to get to ~ and perhaps all the more intriguing for that.
However much they talk, nobody will ever satisfactorily explain what lies beyond it. Or just why you do not want to open this portal to a life unknown.
Just trust me, and take my advice:~
You really do not want to know....
***
Video of the Day: Techno Star Wars
29 comments:
Very heady commentary there Gledwood. I did not know any of this. I will take your word that I do not want to know what is behind the stout door furthest back and hidden in shadow.
My fix will remain venturing to places up high where the air is thin and trees do not grow for as long as my two legs will allow it. Hopefully my fix won't lead to my untimely demise. Hopefully your fix won't lead to your untimely demise either and will just fade to the past.
Hi Gleds ~~ Good informative post that I hope will deter others from even trying that stuff. When you are so aware of all this, it beats me why you still put it in to your body. I pray you will get free of it some day before too long.
Thank you so much for going to the trouble of posting that joke for me, but I think it is a bit too horrific for my post. I am amazed you heard t in church and I reckon it would turn a lot of bad ppl into good ppl through fear. Sounds like you enjoy a good verbal argument. BTW Amy Winehouse has been featured in our newspapers here. Waste of talent and possibly her life. Take care Gleds,
Best wishes, Merle.
You should read a book: Flash, by Charles Duchaussois.
The guy was French, but I'm sure the book was translated in English.
Anyway, the guy ended on the road to India in the 1970. He wasn't an hippie himself, but he left France with the idea of traveling and working here and there. Stayed in Middle-East for a while.
Anyway, at one point, he tried haschich, something totally new for him, a Parisian guy with a "good" background.
Then decided to try everything and end up totally hooked to heroin (I'm not saying that marijuana leads to hard drug... there is a whole story behind his.)
He explains the addiction process very well. As he says, drugs feels good, tastes good and make you feel great. That's why people are hooked. As simple as that.
http://legrandvoyage.chez-alice.fr/
(if you can read a bit of French)
gled...so many people that I know/grew up with are on or have died from heroin. It ran rampant through my little community for a period so I've seen, first hand, how it sucks you in. I hope one day you win the battle. I really do.
xo
Umm... I'm not sure what to say about the whole heroin thing, but the hamster's cute!
There's only one thing that lies behind the stout door Gleds - Death and that's the thing that stops me trying what you've already become a slave to. I wish with all my heart that you and people like you had never been tempted. x
I come back to Blogland after a short hiatus to find this intense posting from you... wow. Don't know whether to thank you or say how sorry I am. Both I guess for a few different reasons.
Having children, it's scary to think of how easily their lives could be changed, all of our lives, by something like that.
This is really a posting from your soul I think. I can only imagine what it must be like to be addicted Gleds .. I truly wish that you can continue to resist the lure. You have many people who are hoping you can stay strong.
That has to the most vivid description of a drug I've ever read, Gleds and it's had the desired effect on me. I do not, ever, want to be controlled by a substance. The thought of being at the mercy of something like that gives me the horrors well and truly.
You've done well, Gleds, in writing that and I just hope that some young soul reads it and turns in the other direction.
I think you are a very honest and unusual young man, in writing so openly about your addiction. I hope you can toss it one day. Never give up!
Gleds, I hope you don't mind - I'm posting the beginning of this powerful post on my blog. More people need to read this.
Now write that damn book so you can pay for rehab. Can you start posting three pages a week for us so you can get this done? We're all rooting for you and we know it isn't easy.
Molson: Far safer to get high from climbing and risk the odd need for mountain rescue than to get it from needles and need ambulances and A&E!
Merle: I understand where you are coming from perfectly, Merle. It defies logic, doesn't it. But addictions are not logical. They plug into some basic sub-surface level of your soul and remote-control you from there... and even though I'm free to tell you about it, that makes no difference to the indignity of my own addiction...
Zhu: I would definitely like to read that book... but I'm not as intellectual as you... English would be far FAR better!! ;->...
Debs: I didn't realize it was quite as prevelent as that... I do "want" to stop, but have given up on constantly giving up or telling myself "tomorrow" "next week"/whatever. When I do I intend to do it properly this time with no mucking about!
Inexplicable: Yeah heroin's a lot of things. But cute and furry like a hamster it most definitely is not!
Whitenoise: ... and heroin is a real f****r of a bitch, too!
Akelamalu: DEATH - that is right. It was a LOT of reasons that tempted me, but suicidal thoughts, and lack of self-respect were among them... if that makes any more sense now...
Crystalchick: don't let them stray anywhere near heroin! ukk. better to die now than a long drawn out shadowlife of addiction...
Crystal:... actually I know your kids are little; but you know what I mean...
Kahshe: it's impossible to fully know - hence the "door" but you can liken it to intense hunger or something like that... a new bodily function you really don't need on top of the collection you already got!
Pussinboots: yeah the last thing I have ever wanted was for some vulnerable young soul to come across my blog and think drugs are somehow cool or that somehow I make it work because I don't also I am not cool, never have been and don't try to be... and heroin is about as uncool as you can get!
Steve: Borrow ahead! The autobiog's still coming on. Only too slowly for my liking...
I watched a childhood friend of mine die because of heroin. He battled with it for most of his life. The last time I saw him he weighed about 110lbs and was covered with sores, open and septic. He looked like death personified. The hold that heroin has over people is something I don't understand, and I am very thankful of that. I remember him as a child when he still had life in his eyes. When he died I was already finished mourning him, he was gone for a long time. Gledwood, you seem to be such bright man. I think it is a sin that you are allowing this drug to rob you of life. I do hope that you are one of the people that can escape her grip...
Take care.
Thanks for that... at least you understand what a hold it has. I could spend pages and pages trying to explain it but as I said in the end it's only made clear by experience and it's most certainly an experience you do not want to have!
As for the mourning before someone's gone: I know exactly how you feel (unfortunately) ...
Zhu: I just tried to comment at yours and it would not let me... yes I think Canada is VERY large...
... did you know you can keep a blogger profile and have "my website" ~ click and people get straight to your Wordpress blog... why on earth did you favour a Wordpress blog? I know lots of people have made the switch but can you explain concisely what exactly the advantage IS?
... the thing about Canada, Zhu, that gets me is yeah it is huge... but don't about 95% of the population live on a think strip within 100 miles/150km of the American border? If I were in Canada I'd want to live right up Baffin Island or summut like!
Now 八角 ba jiao/bat gok (bat gok is my whizzy Cantonese!)... can you tell me any more about this most mysterious of ingredients and how it might "enlighten" my curry sauce ..??
PLEASE RSVP!
Gledwood-- This post took my breath away.
It sounds like even after you kick this habit, you'll be fighting the addiction all your life, 24/7. I pray for you even now that when that happens that you will have the determination to overcome it.
I hope you survive long enough to kick this.
O yeah... even ex-addicts are still "addicts" in their obsessionality... etc...
having said all that: I've been to quite a few NA meetings and have seen it works for those "who work it" (ie regularly attend and do the programme)...
most people say the 1st year is worst... then it gets considerably easier...
it is not true that ANYONE spends the rest of their lives craving... AT ALL... nearly all cravings have gone by the end of the first year
but I take your point... one thing I did NOT grasp from my initial meetings at NA was how everyone says "I'm an addict" for a reason... bc they really are one, and can relapse at any time... and many do... I've seen it time and time again
which is not to say there's no hope... some folks are stronger for having relapsed... it means they never want to go there ever again!
Merle: about the joke... fair enough I thought it might be a bit horrible that's fair enough
One of my best friends from college the first time was a Vietnam vet. He had all kinds of substance abuse problems. We went out and he ordered the most wonderful dinner I ever eaten and he even did the wine. I said, "But aren't you addicted? I shouldn't be drinking this!" He said said he was but that he was under certain circumstances of which I was not one of them and pointed out that alcohol affected his "performance."
He didn't do AA meetings anymore because, "I am not replacing one addiction with another!"
I hope you have this kind of success!
Gledwood, having just read your post, and(luckily)not having tried hard drugs, I can only comment on my experiences of quitting smoking.
I got hypnotised, 45 minutes. Haven't wanted/craved one since. That was 6 months ago!
Just a thought.
Hi hope you don't mind my swinging by from Ropi's site. Honest expose. I'm amazed you function so well but I'm an addictive personality too. Giving up smoking is proving a problem, especially under stress. Mind you, your blog/s are really entertaining. My brother in law's brother has finally kicked it at 45 years of age but not without a lot of heartache and methadone.
Excellent trip..your commentary on H. I am sure you are right, that I don't ever want to know what is behind that door. I have enough experience with crack and meth to know what the stink of regret smells like...so it doesn't take much convincing that H will be at least as bad. Probobally worse.
Thank you.
Howdy Gledwood
It's Terry Wright from The Australian Heroin Diaries
Wow, I have only ever had white (Burma) smack. Just so you know, often, it is not very strong. When I first used in 1997, there was a huge epidemic of heroin in Australia and the gear was really potent. Even at my peak addiction, a half gram gave me 3 shots now I am on 75ml of methadone, I use .4 gram at a time. I would use more but it's expensive.
I too have given up on quitting. So much new research is showing, many will never give up and spending 20 years trying to get clean might just be a waste of time. If you can, then good but those with depression might have found the perfect treatment ... now we just have to get prescription heroin in Australia like you have in the U.K.
Peace.
Gledwood said:
Hi thanks for your comment... of course my junkie self loves details on drugs from around the world... you say the white gear ain't that strong...
I've only EVER come across it one time (long story) long ago... I got about 3.5g of it ... that was before my injecting days ... it was totally unlike the brown we get here... as I said on the post: no strong smell and it went up the nose like a dream not like (almost) pepper like the poppyshit we get...
our gear as I said is that Afghan brown. you CAN smoke it but it's not like smoking crack (ie the entire dose goes in one to the brain) it takes much longer to slowly chase (along tinfoil) inhaling as you go... far weaker than injecting. Whereas crack smoking is pretty much same strength as coke injecting...
our gear can be strong usually it's pretty much of a muchness... it varies from dark brown to nearly white but not like burmese white you have to add acids still to break it down. I prefer pale gear you get a better rush on IVing, but the dark gear is often "goofier"
you're lucky getting white gear even if it is crappo... I would suspect it is kinder on the veins ... (or maybe not).. you tell me
what shape are your veins in? mine are nearly ALL gone apart from neck and groin and that's in 7 yrs injecting
0.4g is quite a big hit... how much does that cost you? that would be about £15 or £20 worth here though you can get a g which is more often than not 0.8g for £30
i heard the average purity of British gear is 39.9% as of a couple of years ago (find THAT hard to believe...) you don't know the supposed purity of Aussie gear do you?...
I read a book by a girl called Kate Holden called In My Skin she says she was on Australian gear for over 5 years and never moved past the crooks of her arms... I find that really hard to believe... is/has your gear ever been THAT high grade? the acids we have to put in our gear burn you, so make the veins go quicker... then again I've heard speed also fucks up the veins and that doesn't need citric... so ... who knows..??
Howdy
I rarely need to go past my arms. Before heroin I was into speed (Meth). I was a weekend user only and being a merchant banker, I had to be careful about track marks so I shot up in my foot when I could. When I got into heroin and I had to shoot up several times a day, my arms were the main place. Sometimes out of desperation, I would do it in my leg which was usually not that successful. I have never used my neck or groin. Funny but I never used my lower arm or wrists because of the marks it left. It was always in the 'crooks' or the inside of the elbow. Now after 10 years, I sometimes have to use the lower arm / wrist area because most of the main veins are now too hard to find or they are gone. BTW, I never had good veins to start with.
The gear here is always white and very injectable, like the speed is. Prices though are obviously much much different. You mentioned £30 for a gram??!!! Well fuck me, it's about (Australian Dollar = AUD) AUD$350 - AUD$450 here (Conversion: £158 - £203 per gram). I usually get .3 gram which costs me AUD$120 or .4 gram for AUD$150. (Conversion: .3 Gram = £54 or .4 Gram = £67). You mention £20 for .4 gram, that's only AUD$44!!! I could afford that! I am coming over to live there ... you won't mind if an Aussie junkie comes and lives with you for a few years? I only have a wife, 2 dogs and a cat ... you won't even know I'm there.
I have never snorted heroin or even know of anyone who has until you. Even worse would be brown, dirty hash like gear being snorted ... I couldn't do it.
Is it easy to score there? For me, once you know someone who is Asian (Vietnamese) and who uses, they tend to know others. I have used the same dealer for nearly 10 years on & off. When he went off, he usually got me hooked up with a friend or if times were tough, he would get it for me and I would cut him in for a third of it. I have another friend is not Asian uses another dealer sometimes and that is always an option. A few years back, you could go down the main street of a suburb near me and just try to catch the eye of all the modern looking Vietnamese guys you would pass and eventually one would give the nod. That's changed now and most deals are done by phone. Street deals are rare. When I first got into hammer, I was shocked at how deals were done with strangers and on the street, I was used to speed or hooch that required a contact and was always at a someone's house. If you ever took a stranger, you were banned for life.
One more thing, do you know much about the UK prescribing heroin to addicts? It's been part of your law since 1926 but rarely used anymore. There are about 350 people who have been receiving heroin from the government for years. They are also in the middle of a properly researched trial where they supply clean heroin and cocaine instead of methadone to a group of about 500. You go to the chemist and instead of getting a cup of methadone, they give you a fit, a spoon, water and smack. Cocaine addicts get a mirror and a straw if requested. Sounds interesting.
Talk soon.
Terry
Legalized diamorphine! Yes I used to know somebody who picked up two 30mg (pretty sure they were 30mg not 60mg... 30mg would be a metricated half-grain; 60mg a whole grain; though a grain is actually (if I remember right 68mg).... this was a considerable cut-down from his previous dose.
I asked how he achieved this script (I mean I can vouch I SAW the amps. They were dry amps (bc diamorphine breaks down to morphine eventually in water and morphine is weaker) they said diamorphine 30mg IV/IM/SC when you opened them they made a loud POP noise... with them came glass water amps... both amps looked like stinkbombs
a few years ago methadone amps were pretty widely available from private doctors... they were massively overprescribed. the standard one was 50mg in 1ml. again I can vouch for having seen one (though I tried neither type which makes the junkie in me quite grrrrr-some) it wasn't uncommon for scripts of 6x50mg daily to be doled out.
far as I know amps of both types were about £2-£3 each.
methadone amps corroded the veins pretty badly ... I don't know ANYONE who gets them now, though I do know a clinic that (far as I know) still prescribes them
back to diamorphine:
I know this guy was on heroin since the 1960s... he is the only longterm user I've known to get genuinely clean... he is a great guy. Not rough or arrogant or full of front. Unfortunately he got cancer from Hep C and drink, lost 2/3 of his liver and now looks grey. He is still ill though I'm not meant to know...
the story he told me was that he was originally prescribed injectable methadone but it "disagreed" with his system... bc this was early 70s (I think widespread heroin-prescription stopped in 72 the year I was born) he got this diamorph script...
what gets me is that if I got a proper evaluation they'd see that I was ideal for an injectables script I have NOT been able to stop ever since I started. Not for longer than 1 day off 1 day on.
I just deleted some really gross stuff about injecting old blood I have posted it up if you really want to know I will tell you
few years ago when I had access to a friend's landline phone I went phoning round to find out about getting a diamorphine script
there was one project somewhere in central London but you had to come in every day and inject under supervision... it was already 1 year or more in so no new places
I found the name of one dr who was "licensed to prescribe diamorphine to addicts" but that yielded nothing
yes you are right there are about 350-500 people getting diamorphine for injection in the UK right now
trouble has been a great FIRE in the drug company's warehouse PLUS a worldwide shortage (how ironic!) of pharmaceutical diamorphine... so a couple of years ago many who'd had scripts for years and been stable were shoved on to oral methadone. and of course turned back into street junkies nearly all of them.
in 2007 many times politicians parped on about "prescribing heroin to addicts" if this is ever going to be widespread it will be many years in the future. in fact it's the only thing I see worth saving my groin for..!
I would far rather be clean but cannot see this happening. I have no record, no experience of ever managing to go more than a day or two without...
only way I can see myself cleaning up would be if I had money enough to put self into a cosy posh detox place and then get the hell out of Britain
in my experience when I had money to binge as much as I liked (briefly) i got sick of the drugs.
poverty only keeps the drugs as a perpetual treat when you can get them. I don't do shoplifting or anything like that but at present my life is not moving forward at all
I hope this meandering crap answered most of your points...
http://www.atomic.yoyo.pl/kara-smierci/kara-smierci.html
http://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kara_%C5%9Bmierci
http://caffeinewithdrawal.weebly.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine
Post a Comment