HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Boilered To Death

I NEARLY GOT RUN OVER BY A PRISON VAN JUST NOW... ok slight exaggeration. It did whizz right in front of my nose tho. I just thought that might be an "arresting" way to commence a post ...

Our house is still all boilered out. I had a wash in a bucket of freezing cold water, just like in Tudor times. Just like every day for the last seemingly six months ... Some tank in the ceiling has sprung a leak. Though it is only drip-dripping through it's filled two entire buckets in about half a day. The plaster's not come down from the ceiling yet (not like last time) so it's not that bad. I'm trying to remember where I was and when the entire ceiling caved in like mushy tea-soaked toast. Ook! It was horrible. It got everywhere! Ukk! Where was that now? Possibly (quite possibly) in my present house. My memory's gone so patchy at times. E.g. I can remember conversations yet cannot recall who with. Which, as you'll imagine, is rather inconvenient...

Laundretta and Matran have been remarkably quiet. People have asked me how/why I put up with them. All I can say is, when they first came on the scene I was in such a state that their objectionable behaviours pretty much went over my head. In one ear; out the other. Whatever. I was gradually emerging from a sitting in the middle of the floor all day and staring into space stage of life and so nothing they did or said could really faze me. As I said yesterday I was well aware of what she'd been saying about me; it was just hearing it with my own ears that offended me so.

I could not sleep properly last night and so wound up sleeping all through much of the day. Then at three o'clock Dr Evilstein, my landlord barged the door in (no lock or catch on my door so it's just swinging open all the time. Has been for months. And people wonder why I don't bother keeping the place nice??!) anyway he said "keep the taps shut" (bc he can't speak proper English: he meant keep 'em turned off.) So I ran a big bucket of water and got up and now I'm saying this....

I don't know what else to say now... my head is full of schemes... I have realized I am too good for this life and have been slumming it for far too long. That's why I don't feel any need to avenge myself on Laundretta for basicaly lying about me (saying I was leaving the most disgusting mess in the bathroom - when I've told her repeatedly who does that). Because I will leave this nasty life behind me. Her and her Ratman will in all probability remain wallowing in it for the rest of their lives. So that's that.

Right I'm off!
See I did update my links as promised.
But they are still not finished. I am just racking my brains for a power ballad of the day...

8 comments:

Vincent said...

Does that mean your landlord is fixing the leak right now? I hope so. And I thought you did have a lock on your door. Or did it break again? I hope you'll sleep better tonight mate :-)

Companheira da alma said...

Gledwood,

welcome to my blog.
Thank you, i loved your blog too !!!

kisses.

:)

Deb said...

Hey gled...haven't been around much. Working, trying to beat this heatwave at the pool, etc. And was fidding with Facebook...you should come over there and sign up. Here's the link.

I live in a three story, 2100 sq ft condo. The roof of our entire building had pooled with stagnant, ankle deep water when roofers arrived to replace it. They should've drained the water off before commencing with the work, but didn't. They hit a "soft spot" with a wheelbarrow full of gravel and it was directly overhead my unit. The entire roof full of water emptied into my condo...ran through the walls, ceiling fans, light fixtures, etc. Took out entire ceilings. Still isn't completely fixed, as I fight it out with insurance. Awful. This post touched a nerve - hope your landlord fixes things.

Anyhow...going to catch up on things here. Have missed you while I'm been temporarily absent.

:)

Deb said...

oops, forgot to link you.

Here it is.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Gleds, you're not going to "do anything silly" now, are you? Hop the landlord is sorting things out there. Simi the dog and I are thinking of you here in Sicily if it helps at all. x

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: do you mean bc I said "my head is full of schemes.." I meant schemes for the future (ie ambitions). No I'm not wasting my energy on avenging myself on people like those two. They invite calamity on themselves~ I'll never need to get my hands dirty!!

Debs: thankfully the leak is below my room but having just braved the dank dripping dark hallway (no lights in bathroom or toilet, no lights anywhere down the passageway)... it feels like the bucket has overflowed already. The carpet is sopping. When I return I will change it in the dark... you don't need to be able to see to know where to put it back as obviously you can hear it drip drip dripping down on the right place. NB the bucket is only there bc I put it there. Matran and Laundretta who claim to keep the bathroom so clean never bothered. I called him Matran bc it is a spoonerism of Rat-Man. She is Laundretta bc she is outwardly very clean (has to be for her job) ... but the accumulated nasties have ... well: I don't think she's clean on the inside... let's just say that.

Vincent: they came up and turned off the water at one point. The boiler man, who I heard talking on the phone... I get the impression he's v good but v expensive. I don't understand why they can't fix it. But maybe they would rather let everyone have water and just patch up the damage later..(?)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood