HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Mysterious Ways

EIGHT A.M. IS APPROACHING. So I'm "posting" this in my A4 notebook first.

Just above this entry are the last lines of a "my landlord's not chucking me out any more" one from nearly a week previously, which concluded:

Still with a home. Whoever prayed for me, it worked. Thanks to you. But thanks most of all to God Almighty. Wahey!!

Which statement was, of course, with hindsight, starting to look startlingly premature at one point.

But God works in Mysterious Ways. And you cannot lose faith in him just because you don't get something you want or think you ned. Even if that thing seems as essential as a home.

Having said all that, perhaps I should take you back to my time living with Lona (this will be the next episode of my Life Story when finally I get round to posting it). Lona is better known here perhaps as NutNut. She took me in off the street - almost (well: almost, because circumstances are complicated) and I stayed in her home for over two years. While I was there I picked up the habit of reading the Bible. This she seemed furiously opposed to (even though she did, on occasion, read her white confirmation-style Bible herself). Perhaps she felt it somehow hypocritical of a street junkie to be doing that. But there was no hypocrisy in my actions. Hypocrasy is not practising what you preach. Seeing as I wasn't preaching to anyone, neither was I a practising, praying or churchgoing Christian there could be no hypocrisy. I was merely perusing an interesting book. I still don't go to church: which church to go to. And infrequently pray. So how can reading the Bible be so very wrong? Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder why she was influenced by dark forces. Strange powers were circling all around us those days. I had remarkably odd dreams (e.g. of horned Egyptian god-like devil skulls staring at me) and frequently woke up screaming in those days. Which is something I rarely do now. Though I can shock myself even in my sleep by making a most resolute (and sinister-sounding humming in my throat when I try to talk or scream ... But as I say; that was happening every day at her's. It's really infrequent these days ...

Saw Valium Marilyn this afternoon. Have made appointment to go see Posh and Becks on her cable telly 8pm Tuesday night. Mother Hubbs was upset with me bc I arrived late for Sunday lunch but I couldn't help it. It has been a hot and beautiful day ...


I've got those two tunes (well, one tune - "Don't Want You Back/F--- U Right Back" by Eamon and Frankie going round in my head. Click on their pink names and you'll be able to see both their videos.

Also don't forget my Obie Trice hiphop comedy about false teeth. I didn't rate it the best rap vid of all time for nothing!! - STOP PRESS: if you tried it b4 and got some Jesus divert don't worry. Click the link just above; go to the top screen. That one plays.

***

I got blinkin' diarrhoea all day thanks to that RAW hamburger I munched into yesterday. I was so hungry/greedy even once I did know it was undercooked in the middle I couldn't help nibbling the better-cooked outsides ... And now the squits ... akk!

STOP PRESS OBIE TRICE IS WORKING NOW. SO IF YOU WANNA WATCH MY FALSE TEETH HIPHOP VIDEO CLICK HERE

18 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

happy to read you are making time for some comedy ... 8pm Tuesday P&B *!*

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
You're a funny man. I like the angst of that Frankie song. He has a good voice. I have to check out more of his stuff, hopefully he's not still angry over that girl.

Be well and stay away from raw meat -- unless you're a lion!

Zhu said...

Raw meat is always a bad idea. Really bad idea. But probably not as bad as eating Mcdonalds' so...

Gattina said...

You don't need to go to church, I never go to church either I hate these hypocritical speaches ! and reading the bible just as a book (especially the first testament) can be very amusing !

Wayward Son said...

Hey, those were sad videos. Cut that out!

Prayer is good but I found I have to meditate to get the answers. Who knew?

Glad your doing better—even with the runs.

WS

Deb said...

Did you watch Becks and Posh? I did...I love them. Will be my new favorite show I'm sure.

I liked it when Victoria was being welcomed by the socialites and that woman made the dolphin noise.

Mike's Hard Lemonade is a bottled drink that is vodka, lemonade and carbonated water. It's quite good. I believe it's Canadian.

Edyta said...

Gleds,
nice to hear u being fine. & thanx to that person who payed. wow. no thats a relief. & love to hear u happy. wooohoo.
aww, yaaay u have the time to watch some commedies & posh & becks. haha 8 pm. tuesday. dont forget! hope ur havin a nice day :)

WAT said...

This line made me laff: Seeing as I wasn't preaching to anyone, neither was I a practising, praying or churchgoing Christian there could be no hypocrisy.

Yes, true true.

Valium Marilyn? My my. Drugs are part of many people's lives huh?

Nicole said...

I understand why Mother Hubbard was upset with you coming late. I get a bit shitty as well when I make the effort to cook a really nice meal and it goes cold and I can't serve it at its best. It's like the effort was for nothing.

On another note... I can't remember. Do you have a mailing address that's safe to send you something?

Puss-in-Boots said...

Eeew, Gleds! Raw hamburger...I'm not particularly a beef fan but raw, no thanks.

It's great that, so far, you still have a roof over your head...hope it stays that way for a while.

BTW, yep Fred was a bit sneaky about moving that tree inasmuch as I didn't realise it was going to be so soon...but there you go.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Hope you are feeling better by now. Undercooked meat- yuk!

Good luck again for Wednesday. I hope
you get some help - especially with your threat of homelessness.
Take care my friend, Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Best wishes, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

I knew you'd get the squits after that raw meat!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I am glad that you acknowledge God works in mysterious ways cause He does but he is always looking out for our good cause He loves us.

Have you heard of the Alpha Course? Some churches do this and its a good way to learn about God in a comfortable atmosphere where you are free to ask anything and to disagree with anything. Thye only request is that you are sincere in what you ask and what you say. There's also usually a free common meal for everyone who takes part. I am taking part in one here in Malaysia and everyone who comes really likes it. Perhaps you could give it a try. :)

Naomi Joy said...

i'm suprised to hear u talking about God and the bible...but it is a good surprise :)

Audrey said...

Hope your feeling better Gledwood and glad you still have your home.

I tend to find God in nature,but then every now and then I meet him/her with a skin on. Nine times out of ten they are people who have been through the toughest of times themselves and had faith that they could change things for the better,not only for themselves but for others,even in the smallest of ways...that always something special.

Really enjoying your music picks

Isabella said...

Hi there!
Thanks for your comment... I'm glad to have at least one reader. lol

You know, I thought about writing in english it would probably be more interesting. But then...anyway i'm portuguese but I speak english as well, so it will be kind of a mixture.
I also went to see your blog, didn't have time to read it all but I liked it...
keep in touch!

By the way I couldn't agree more, you're 100% right "God works in mysterious ways"

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood