HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Exchanging Lives ... (+I'm a Thinking Blogger II, + David Beckham + England Pepsi Cola Must-See Commercial)

SUCH A TIRING BEAUTIFUL DAY... and yet I wanted no part of it... For so many years, the weather and I have been at odds. At best, the most splendid sunshine does little to thaw me out; at worst, I'm so thawed I'm sweating amphibian-stylee. Today I just wanted to retire from it all. Not only was I sweating like a swine, but I was stinking and not feeling at all oriented to submerge under cold water (still no hot water, so a cold bath would mean a stone cold one). All day I was being chided by life to engage. All day I failed to do so. The needle exchange gave me an enormous yellow sharps container, big enough to hold several hundred used "workses" ... this I carried in a dark blue carrier bag ... and yet, somehow (and How on earth this happened I've still not a clue...) I managed to bring home one carrier bag yet devoid of yellow container. Where did it go? Mysteries, mysteries.

What do I need such a container for? A huge number of old worksies lying in boxes in my house, in the bottom of drawers, mostly blunted up. In shameful quantities. Several of those huge yellow containers full, for sure.

In fact, to coin a phrase, my mind is focused on Exchanging Lives ....

In the late afternoon I got so depressed, and not wanting to creep back inside where it is so extraordinarily broiling hot (I'm in a garret room. Talk about roasting. And I've a powerful office-fan in there and it's still too hot. Ukk! As I say, I didn't want to go inside and so found myself curled up on my doorstep like a mouse, sleeping off the dregs of the day... Horrible day. Horrible me, more like. Tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of this life.

But I did, at least today (in the last hour, actually) come up with a killer scheme of what to do. I don't like posting up plans really. Plans are for doing. Fantasizing about doing them is only good when it imparts them power. But I don't want to dissipate my dreams by blabbing them. Does that make any sense..?

My story of a thousand instalments I should hopefully finish up by tomorrow. I've been racking my mind about what I want to do how and when ... how I want to spend my energies and my life, both in the immediate and far future. For the time being I shall leave you with this thought: I want so much more from life than a drug habit and a blog!


Many thanks to Janice "Twist and Skewer" NW!

Here are my all-new nominations:

Nicole Mobile

Of Czech origin, she's found herself in Amsterdam via Adelaide, South Australia. She's a graphic designer and so thinks in the medium of photography. Take a look at the blog and you'll see how "thoughtful" requires no words ...

Ruth's Million Stories:

In her own words: ruthjen (ruth jenner)
Happy wife and avid gardener. My Husband was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer May 2005. Given 2 months tops to live. I cared for him at home; sadly he passed away April 6th 2007; somehow I must go on.
Compelling, uncompromising; a powerful ongoing true story ...


This is the first blog I ever visited after I first set up my own, and I'm still in touch with Mousie to this day. Plumpiemousie is a magickal village, somewhere on the dreaming seashores of France ...


A "silver-surfing" Australian lady from Melbourne. She's full of common sense and posts up the most amazing parables, proverbs and fables. Very intense (too much sometimes to take the entire post in at once.) (And I don't get where she gets so much material to be able to post it every day ...)


Blogging from Scotland. She understands life's little contrarinesses and tricks. "...I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly for you tread on my dreams..."

To those nominated: you must nominate five others (it doesn't matter if they've been nominated before because I've been nominated twice now! But I have to say, I did nominate five different people this time.) You don't have to display the Thinking Blogger medallion if you cannot or just don't want to. But I think they prefer it if you do .... And of course you have to tell those you've nominated via their commentary boxes!


Click on my entertaining clip of the day: David Beckham and English Soccer Team Bavaria 2006 German Pepsi Cola Commercial. Unless you're really familiar with German television, you've probably never seen this one before, so have a look, be entertained... (It's really funny with blond plaitted serving wench, lads in lederhosen, und so weiter; und so weiter ...!


Puss-in-Boots said...

Hang in there, Gleds. Dreams and plans must be dreamt and planned to come to fruition.

I know what you mean by not speaking about what you want to do. I'm the same, I feel if I speak about my dreams, they won't happen...so I just work away quietly at them.

All the best, I'm thinking of you.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

just don't pick up... just for today.

smiles, bee

JaniceNW said...

I'm sorry my comments sections was being mean and nasty and evil. It won't happen again. Thank you for passing the award along, you gave it a truly international flavor.

I found Madonna's oerformance on Live Earth kinda gross...your opinion?

RUTH said...

Thanks Gleds!!!! I'll try and get my post done tomorrow; bit pushed today...for a change it's a really busy and SUNNY weekend! Hold on to your dreams

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so glad that you have plans and dreams to alter your life. I wish you well and hope you can achieve all you want to. Thank
you I think) for the Thinking Blogger award (my third) but I don't know how to add that thing either. My brother
Peter (HoltiesHouse) will possibly do it for me - or tell me how. I think it is done through Template at blogger. Your words are very descriptive , so you don't really need photos. Do you have any on your computer? Thanks for your kind words about my blog. I get a lot of items sent to me by friends, find some in papers & magazines and
also look on the internet for jokes and stories. You only had to ask!!
I also have some books with some of the things in them. Thanks for adding me to your links.Best of luck Gleds in all you do. Maybe you should go get another sharps thing
and get rid of some of those sharps. Take care, Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Puss in Boots: you're right. Most things must be planned in advance to have any meaningful chance of succeeding (I'm expert at spotting the loopholes in things. For this I get called "cynnical" but I'm only being realistic most of the time ... well I think so) ...

Empress: thanks I will try not to ...

Janice NW: It was my computer being evil not your comments... it kept taking ages to get from one page to another then kept repeating senselessly a message sub-screen (so to speak) that I was in the comments in the comments in the comments yes I know yes I know I kept yelling back but then computers are deaf, so ...

Ruth: hope you got some garden things done to "fruition" so to speak ...

Merle: I don't have my own computer... in my house I seriously doubt it would last very long! I'm going to get a new sharps thing tomorrow... I think I may actually have left it in their office as, racking my brains, I cannot think of WHERE I would possibly have put it down (also it was given to me in a carrier bag, which I still had when I got home ...) so the mystery is rather bizarre...

Hope yous all had a happy weekend!

Till tomorrow


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood