HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Power Ballad Sunday

MOTHER HUBBARD HAD THE WORLD'S 100 GREATEST POWER BALLADS (presented by Bonnie Tyler!) playing on one of the digital TV music channels.

Though they're not always my first choice of music, I do love a good power ballad that stirs the emotions in a shlocky melodramatic way. The book I mentioned writing when I was with Libra was a literary power ballad. (It's totally unfinished; I don't know where most of it is any more and it's too much a load of shlock to bother finishing. If I'm gonna write a book I'd far rather put my energies into something new.) In one scene when the lovers are parting (she is sick to death of his drug using (hmm how art imitates life!) and resolutely determines to walk out on him. As she does so, as the strides through the open door he looks up at her with childlike eyes and, feeling his heart literally tearing into two he screams in agony. Looking back and witnessing the love of her life weeping so pietously on the floor her heart melts, she falters. She cradles him in her arms like a little child. "There-there..." And she knows in her heart she can never leave him again... (And that's when the trouble really starts ... haha!)

I've posted some Power Ballads up on my Musical Blog... so come with me, take a trip back to (mostly) the 1980s ... and be surprised (!)(not!)

... So come on! Click with me ... the very best (and the very "rest") ... of rock-n-roll's most over-emotional songs!!

(You can just click on the purple-highlighted words here-below...)

Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart has been there for ages anyhow.

The enviable title of Worst Power Ballad of All Time - a solid 9-carat gold musical achievement - surely must go to a song originally written and performed by Dolly Parton. Though Whitney Houston's performance in that dreadfully good-bad film The Bodyguard somehow made it her own. I Will Always Love You! Yeah, man! Sometimes rubbish can be excellent.

Another contender (though I personally love this one) is Celine Dion's ... you guessed it ... performance from Titanic My Heart Will Go On. I've always thought the introductory piped notes sounded Scottish. And took this as my cue to drunkenly irritate all around me by singing said song in a loud Glaswegian accent ....

Though Celine Dion also covered this, I could only get the Mariah Carey version on youtube ... Without You! Fantastic song! So that's what you're stuck with here I'm afraid!

And finally we get to some 24-carat gold... remember that movie Mannequin? Starring Kim Cattral as a kind of living doll? No? But surely you know the famous theme tune: Nothing's Gonnna Stop Us Now, performed by starship. I've also got a (slightly)more modern jazzed up version (same vid clips) of the same, if you'd prefer that ...

Happy viewing now...

I'm off to wrap up (if I can in one post, I'm not promising anything) my personal drug hell tale of falling down life's toilet bowl of anguish memoir this evening ... so stay tuned. It should be here within a couple of hours!


Isn't the internet amazing...?!?

here are two of the bizarrest current google searches that have led folks here

(the weirdest of all time
was the guy (somehow I suspect it was a guy) who, seeking "squat down and pee vids" got ferried to my blog where I'd written something along the lines "if I'm not answering (the Gabbly) at precisely midnight tonight, I'm probably out the back toilet having a pee..." Honestly Google has a lot to answer for at times!!

1st from the USA: "perm short cut help grow out"

led to

Hair Cut!8 May 2007 by Gledwood
Just let it grow out naturally." Which is what I did. And I have not touched "Sun In" (6% peroxide spray) ever since. Imagine if we had used some home product (as Nutnut was often wont to do ...) and my hair actually had melted and slid ...
Gledwood Vol 2 - http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/

2nd from Poland: "'sleeping most of the day' diarrhoea"

led to

Gledwood Vol 2: April 2007... infection is the most important cause of hospital-acquired diarrhoea. ...... I was sleeping most of the day (I don't know why, not that I was drugged. ...
gledwood2.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html - 281k - Kopia - Podobne strony

Can anyone trump these with more bizarre search referrals?
(You need a Statcounter or Sitemeter or the like, and must click on the facility to show you the keywords people entered to find your site.


WANT AN ENTERTAINING READ? I just come across this purely by chance (NextBlogging) ...
It's called Dating Diary New York City

and it's well worth a look ...


STOP PRESS: Sorry. I've just written out today's "part 9" post and it doesn't finish it by any means. Should be up and posted by 11:15 pm ...


RAFFI said...

how bout journey 'don't stop believin', especially with the recent sopranos tribute. as for google searches, how do you find out what leads to you?

Gledwood said...

All the counters use a different phraseology. Sitemeter call it "by Refferal" ... that will show you the url the person came from. If they come from Google or somewhere like that it also shows the search terms/keywords they keyed into Google/whatever. Most of the searches that come to me via search engines are off of Google or Yahoo...

Anonymous said...

>Though Celine Dion also covered this, I could only get the Mariah Carey version on youtube ... Without You! Fantastic song! So that's what you're stuck with here I'm afraid!<

Hi Gled - take an entertaining look at this one:-


Anonymous said...

Hi again Gled

Please also watch Leona at the X-Factor final:-


The Beach Bum said...

I prefer the Harry Nilsson of Without You! I first heard it on a Badfinger album.

I like the Carey version, but have never heard the Dion version of this song.

The Beach Bum

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood