HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Hot & Sticky Day

A HOT & STICKY DAY GASPS SWELTERINGLY TO ITS END. It is humid! And who are these people in Australia saying it's so dry you've literally got static charges crackling off idle household appliances? That is unreal, man! I would gladly swop a quotient of our moisture for your dry. Just don't let the mouse spiders and funnel webs scuttle over during the exchange ...

I was just thinking back in time ... My friend Marilyn was reminiscing earlier about the old butler sinks we used to get in every kitchen and how, when her old kitchen was modernized and the sink ripped out, the builders gave her first whack at it with the mighty great mallet of destruction! She bashed it with such relish, so she said. So she's horrified to see such sinks coming back into yuppie fashion!! I was telling her how I recall standing up in one of those sinks in my grandparents' old kitchen in Windsor utterly starkers and unashamed. And also young enough to be batheing in a kitchen sink in the first place! How old was I, I wonder..? Now Marilyn says that not very far up the main road there's one of those sinks on sale, in a yuppie antique fixtures shop, for £1,200!

Thinking back to childhood reminds me of the great drought of 1976. That is the only true extended spell of hot, dry weather I have gone through in my life - when summer was hot enough truly to dry out the climate into Mediterranean or California-like conditions. I was only four! I still remember walking with my Mum and Dad through the blackened, crackling, charred, still-smouldering remnants of a heath-fire and how radiantly hot the ashy, blackened logs still were, days later ...

The waters of our local reservoir, which was called Lady Bower, receded so very much that the church tower and rooves of the poor village that had been sacrificed for this manmade lake breathed fresh air for the first time in many years. And legend has it that the churchbells even rang ... Come to think of it - a submerged village, undemolished, wouldn't that make for the best diving..?? I've done scuba diving in my youth and let me tell you it is truly surreal. Nearest thing you'll ever get in this lifetime to actual human flight. Amazing. But let me tell you something about wet-suits. Yes they work. Wonderfully. The bit they don't tell you though is how slowly that icy water trickles into your every part and cavity! Gradually, freezingly. It will not be rushed. Then amazingly - with precisely the same principle as a feathery quilt on a cold night - one's own body heat brings it to a comfortable room temperature.

I wonder why it is that the British subaqua fits a Dungeons and Dragons colour scheme of greeny greys and browns and duns. Whereas an old friend of mine from Barbados said literally you stick your head under the water on the Carribbean sea-side and a rainbow of life is moving before your eyes in every direction! Does ultraviolet light breed all that colour? I'm not an evolutionist I believe God created everything, but still I don't understand why the tropics are so much more colourful than this temperate land of mine ...

Well, it is approaching 10:30 pm. The "cool of the day" is upon us - about as cool as it will get. I hear an aeroplane coming in to land; another reminder of Windsor, which is right under the flightpath of London's main international airport. Her Majesty the Queen must get that all the time when "one" is in residence at Windsor Castle - in my view that is her most amazing home.

I was shocked to see in the Sunday Mirror Carol Malone or some similar dimwit columnist actually standing up for flash snapper Annie Liebowitz and slanging into the Queen! I'm sorry but no-one but no-one tells our Queen to take off her crown and gets away with it. Perish the very idea!

And on that thought I'll love yer and leave yer.

Still with a home. Whoever prayed for me. it worked. Thanks to you.

But thanks most of all to God Almighty.

Wahey!!


***

I have the lyrics to T'pau's 1987 hit single China in Your Hand going round and round and round my head!

These are them, borrowed from http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricst/tpau.html
and, I might add, totally unaltered by me!

If you want to see the video/hear the song, click here and my music blog will provide all ...

It was a theme she had
On a scheme he had
Told in a foreign land

To take life on earth
To the second birth
And the man was in command

It was a flight on the wings
Of a young girl's dreams
That flew too far away!

Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself

China in your hand

Come from greed
Never born of the seed
Took life from a barren land
Oh! Eyes wide
Like a child in the form of man
A prophecy for a fantasy
A castle in his mind!

Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself

China in your hand
In your hand, your hand

Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself
You shouldn't push too hard, no no
Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself


OK I tinkered with the punctuation a little bit. I hate missing apostrophe's (or one's in the wrong places). And I couldnt resist adding a couple of exclamation marks!!

19 comments:

zen wizard said...

Hmmmm....

Just went swimming in Doctors Cove Beach about two years ago, and for some reason you can see really far underwater there with the naked human eye.

I sort of liked the actual beach, but I don't really like Jamaica all that much, since you have to hire a dude to walk around with you or you get mobbed by guys trying to sell you
$H!t. I mean, really aggressively trying to sell you $H!t, like grabbing you and not letting go...

I mean, it was all in all pretty cool, but when I'm on vacation I want it to be a vacation, not some major expedition just to walk down the street.

The other sides of the coin were that it is like 75-degrees down there in December.

Cancun is sort of like the same thing, but I always get sick when I go there. And not just hungover sick, like dysentery type sick.

So I guess it's a matter of, "Do I want to hire a guy to walk around with me, or do I want to hire a guy to drive me to the hospital?"

Of course, I have been there (Cancun) four times, so I must be either retarded or masochistic or both. Maybe I am just a tightwad.

gledwood said...

Jamaicans are really aggressive people. Matran, the famous Laundretta's boyf is jamaican (and, I suspect an illegal immigrant. I seriously wish, if that is the case they would deport him. But I don't know his real name even (he's dead sneaky like that, which suggests he has something to hide) and I'm not into grassing people up. I've got this far in life without doing it. Why should I start now??
I got dysentry in India. Correction GIARDIA... one stage worse... I was told not to bother taking panamoebicides until I was literally shitting blood. I thought no fucking WAY and took 'em immediately. They made me feel just as ill as the original disease. But seeing as I was puking raw sewage and literally shitting clear white water it seemed the least of all possible evils ...
Tightwad?
If I went back to India again I think I would be more generous to some of the tradespeople and not haggle quite as enthusiastically as once I bartered this woman down so much (it took over half an hour to do this) that none of her friends would come near us for the rest of the afternoon ...
That Doctors Cove Beach is fascinating me.... I am going to google it right now and find out more

jeremy said...

i met an australian last week. i'm hoping she gets me a job.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gledwood - just saw your comment you left me tooo funny! You obviously have hidden talents that are screaming to be heard. Smiles *!*

Puss-in-Boots said...

A bit of moisture in the air would go down very well here. Getting zapped has lost its novelty...if it ever had any!

Glad you still have a roof over your head, Gleds. What a relief. Maybe the landlord hadn't got any the night before and took it out on you guys...who knows?

Take care and don't melt in the heat.

JaniceNW said...

Glad you still have a roof over your head to block the sun! I love swimming and floating so I can relate to your comment on human flying! :)

meeyauw said...

You have heat; Australia is dry. We are freezing cold and it's always raining.

I think I prefer being wet and cold to dry and hot.

Deb said...

wow, what happened between the Queen and Annie? Haven't heard that bit of gossip...will ask my mum in law (she gets the "Hello" paper and passes them on to me). Gotta go catch up here...find out about you almost getting ousted out of your place?!....

Maie said...

Hello! thanks for visiting my blog...here I am also looking at yours...but it looks very interesting and full of stuff to check out so I think i will take my time to visit it calmly. You are always welcome to my photo blog and yes I do speak English so you can always leave your comments in this language...
Have a nice day!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I remember listening for the bells in the Lady Bower reservoir, too. The Mother's side of the family all live up there, so, as kids, we used to go there quite a lot.

What a coincidence!

Donna said...

Hi Gledwood,
Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I haven't posted for such a long time, my mum & family have been on my back, and as you know it doesn't really take all that long to post. I will get back into it soon.
It is always nice when you get a comment from new people especially internationals.
I haven't had time to read all of your posts, but I will do so when I have more time. I have to look at my family's and make comments before I can read everyone elses.
I promise I will return.

The weather in Victoria at the moment is quite cold. Our sunny days are over for a while.

Catch you soon.
Donna

ggirl said...

Hey Gled! Thanks for stopping by. I've been missing in action lately, just trying to hang onto some semblance of sanity. Lots of anxiety re ultrasound on weird breast thing, swelling, pain. Anyway, I haven't been visiting anyone lately...not even myself. ;-) Glad to hear you have a home and that you're well. Take care, Gled.

Istanbul said...

Ciao! é tanto che non ci sentiamo...
ti invito su istanbul ad ascoltare buona musica, link on the photo...
Fammi sapere che ne pensi!
A presto, un bacio!

actonskin said...

Just read through most of your blog posts today, and wow what a thought-provoking story... there was similar stuff in my life, depression and CFS.

I stopped doing H back in Jan after a couple of months ... was only doing it once or twice a week. Got depressed this summer and tried to get back in touch with "my man" ... (un)fortuantely he's been breached for never turning up for a single test on a drug treatment order.

Together with the fact that the the plod have PCSOs crawling all over the west london street scene, i've managed so far not to give in to temptation, but I've got a feeling it's only time...

Good luck on the accomodation front. Keep posting.

Toccata said...

Was just getting caught up on your misadventures with Dr. Evilstein.

Oh, and dry heat is way easier to take than humid heat anyday. Actually I prefer midtwenties. Anything higher and any kind of heat makes one feel blah.

Diesel said...

I think there is a biological reason for the bright colors, but I'll be darned if I can remember what it is.

I live in the California Central Valley, and it doesn't rain here for 6 months of the year.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds. Pleased your still got a roof over your head.
Wow were in winter now and 3 months of Bloody cold weather Low minus2c high 11c,Bring on the warm weather but then it can get unbearable in middle of summer up to 43c = 112f. take care ill be back.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood