HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 06, 2007

Meme/Obscene/(-Not)/+the Queen

I THINK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF "MEMES" FOR THE NEXT... LONG TIME... When I said answer I meant at your place. It sounds like I was asking for answers here. Having filled out my "dream" house/car/vacation/life I actually got thinking to what I really wanted (the image of that purple & gold limmo parked outside Blenheim Palace remains emblazoned on my mental retinas) so hokay, briefly.... house ~ one that is absolutely massive (that will never change) but it must look really small and modest from the outside. It's the interior I'm bothered about. Don't wanna show off with my house (how common!). Car still a stretch limmo as a way of getting around but definitely anonymous black. Purple and gold's too much of a security risk. (Of course I'm filthy rich in the dream.) If it were a car for me to drive... o... i don't know. Actually I've always thought those Smart Cars were pretty nifty. Plus they only take up half a parking space. And you pay less C(-ongestion) Charge here in the "big smoke". What was the next one? Oh yeah vacation? Still Burma/Myanmar and all around that region. I wanna seee that giant gold pagoda shining in the morning sun. And life: that also stays the same. I want as little to do with the nasty old world as possible. When I was younger it seemed amazing in many aspects. Now I have grown to hate it! I would still write the emotionally draining (on me, not the reader) bestsellers.

Well it is nearly dark. The nearest bus-stand is glowing red (the display board). The sky is palest turquoise grey with peachy-pink clouds way high high up. It's quite a nice evening but I don't really feel it. I went to bed this afternoon because I was so depressed. As for my story it's now pretty much up to the present age (but unfinished).... tomorrow I will try to finish up.

Okay ... till then... take care of yourselves... and don't go on the Jerry Springer Show.

(BTW did I ever mention I once met Jerry Springer? Wow!)

***

Talking of historic houses: maybe Longleat would be nicer than Blenheim. It seems to be bigger (certainly twice as tall). Though having said that, you surely couldn't beat Blenheim's fabulous long gallery for rollerskating (these galleries were originally built so that aristocratic ladies could promenade about indoors when it rained)....

Another wondrous house is Chatsworth. If you click it, have a look at the enormous cascading waterfall. I spent ages and ages playing in that as a child. When we lived oop north (so much I haven't told you!) it was one of the nearest grand days out. Also the house is full of furniture made from a stone called "blue john" ... The house is very posh indeed. I think it's the Duke of Devonshire's home and he's one of the old guard (everybody calls him Your Grace) ... and so on...

If you're going for a castle, Windsor Castle is the most extensive lived-in castle anywhere in Britain ...

I've spent loads of time in Windsor because I used to have family there. One thing about the British Royal family you should understand if you're a foreigner is how un-aloof they actually are from the ordinary people. You are quite likely to see the Queen or Prince Charles in Windsor Great park. I remember being in a car aged ten and stopping off to look because "Ooooh! Charlie's playing polo!!" I looked outside and saw lots of men on horses. I had no idea which was Prince Charles. But (I suppose) I can say ~ wow! ~ that I have (sort of) been to a Royal polo match. Although I never got out of Auntie Ann's Mk II Ford Cortina ...

Also don't miss Buckingham Palace (of course) and the British Royal Family's official website.

***

Hey I just found "Jeffrey Archer's official blog"

***

Hey II: forget pokey British historic homes; go to the "Roi" of them all:~ Versailles

***

I met Jerry Springer in Central London, near Piccadilly Circus tube. He just kinda appeared there, complete with camera crew. One member of the public I heard in the background chanting in a cockney accent: "Jerry, Jerry!" His hair was almost luminously died this artificial blond (camera-good; real-life highly unrealistic) that's if it wasn't a wig. I shook his hand. The cameras rolled. He said, "How are you?" Being English I took the question literally and said, "Fine, thanks," yet could not help noticing he was already looking around for someone more important-looking to talk to ...

Yeah, so that's my "Jerry! Jerry!" experience!

3 comments:

Crazed Nitwit said...

Gled~you've won an award! Please check it out at www.janicenw.blogspot.com

Congrats!

Nicole said...

Where did you meet Jerry Springer?

Puss-in-Boots said...

Why did you meet Jerry Springer?

As for Betty Two Stroke, I'm a Republican, ie...want Australia to be a Republic, rather than bowing to the absentee landlords in a country on the opposite side of the planet.

Ok, that's my bitch for today. Have a good one...and don't pick up ;-)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood