Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Donner & Blitzen II

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Donner & Blitzen II

WE'VE A PITTERPATTERER OF A THUNDERSTORM clitter-clattering outside. And flickers of lightning. And thunder doing the funky zigzag thunder "thang" pinky-ponky-dinky-donky-DOOM!! Man, I love that thang!! It's raining too hard for me to rush go get my double cheeseburger from McDonalds. How vulgar. And I've left my brollie behind. Which is doubly inconvenient...

O! Here we go again...

swissssh~swashhh!! (the cars)
squizzle~flizzle (the rain)
SHIZZLE (that was lightning!!)
o! and here we go again...
pinky-ponky-dinky-donky-BHOOOOMMMMHH!!
oo! & yetagain: flish-fash-a-flash-dash-traaash!! ~ more lightning
(poo-boom!) (meagre thunder)
now Hindi film music's playing in the background. why do all those female bollywood voiceoverdubbers have such incredibly "bright" voices... they all sound like one and the same woman no matter what the music or the film ....
mmm
now it's a man singing. i don't mean to be "funny" but he sounds like he's straining to expel a turtle's head into the lavvy pan
flick-flash
tinky-tinky-tinky-donkey-tonkey-poo-BOO-per-BOOOMMM!
wow: that was a good one
all cars have their headlights on just to be atmospheric. they're swishing through puddles that weren't there ten minutes ago.
flash-a-bash
shiggery-piggery-ziggery-piaoung-gghnng!
man! that was funky thunder
swish-swash-plish-a-plash-SPLASH!
hoo-hoo-haargh! a woman outide with a transparent Queen Mother stylee umbrella just got splashed up the Chanel-looking business suit. O dear.
(ffl-ck(kh))
SHTONKA-TOOOMMB!~OOMB~OO~KHQUIAOUGH~KKHQQV~Q~CHTUOMMppq!
THAT was unexpected
(5 mins later)
all righty. methinks i can brave the trek to mickey-D's now ...

***

PS
shkish-skash-+++(flicker)
Shinky-shonky-pinky-ponky-KHLUUUUMM!
wowee!

13 comments:

Audrey said...: LOL Gledwood,pick me up a big mac and fries whilst your there....Go large. Im catching up after the weekend so be back to read some more..Thanks for the award I really appreciate your nominating me....In the meantime Enjoy!! that burger xx Auds; 9 July 2007 at 18:44
RUTH said...: I love those sound effects...remind me of the old Batman and Robin progs. POW! ZAP!
Rx; 9 July 2007 at 20:31
Anonymous said...: haha!!; 9 July 2007 at 20:43
Anonymous said...: Audrey ~~ be careful of McDonalds' mucky food. It can give you a haemhorrage, you know!!; 9 July 2007 at 20:58
Anonymous said...: Audrey ~~ be careful of McDonalds' mucky food. It can give you a haemhorrage, you know!!; 9 July 2007 at 20:58
Anonymous said...: Having fun? LOL

We had a LOT of lightning and thunder here above Amsterdam as well. Almost daily past week. I usually love it but I wasn't too happy when it woke me up a few times...; 9 July 2007 at 22:37
Audrey said...: OK Gledwood paste the link with all the facts....lol...Thankfully the last time I had a Mcdonalds was about 20 years ago. Thats another great thing about your blog its so informative on so many subjects. Takes a lot of time and effort so thanks x; 9 July 2007 at 22:53
RUTH said...: Hey guess what? you've been Schmoozed!!! see my garden blog.; 9 July 2007 at 23:13
Daniel Thompson said...: Thanks for dropping by my blog. Yes, both Chinese and Indian music use microtonal scales, but the western twelve tone equal temperament is becoming popular throughout the world, so the music you heard might not be microtonal or could be an Indian scale that is close to twelve tone equal temperament. Actually, our modern tuning system has only been around for a few hundred years, so every every country has a history of microtonal music and many still use microtonal scales.; 9 July 2007 at 23:39
Anonymous said...: This weekend we had a couple real boomers, love the rain and storms in general...while your out could you get me some fries??; 10 July 2007 at 02:03
Puss-in-Boots said...: It's the first time I've seen a thunderstorm in writing. Very imaginative...hope the Macca's burger was worth waiting for.

Our thunder goes...ominous rumble, rumble...CRACKKK! and then I have to be peeled off the ceiling...; 10 July 2007 at 11:21
Liz Hinds said...: Wonderful noises! I like the pinky plonky dinky donky best.; 10 July 2007 at 19:22
Anonymous said...: You know if The Weather Channel would do 'blow-by-blow' weather they way you do, I might actually pay attention. :-); 10 July 2007 at 20:42

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!