Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Bang! Behind the Door

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bang! Behind the Door

I DID NOT WRITE THIS!
Long story, but it is by an acquaintance, who left it lying literally in the street. (A she. I don't know that most blokes would be so expressive.) I'm not in touch with her any more. Don't know what happened to her. So from one junkie to another; this is my tribute:

BANG! DID YOU HEAR THAT? Bang! Bang! There it is again. I can't believe it. Another day over. - can you believe it? Bang. Bang. Bang. That's it. Behind the doors for another night. Nothing but my feelings and these four walls. Just me sitting in here, thinking about the outside. The bangs revolve around the wing, from everybody's cells as they lock up. Bang. Bang. Bang. That's everyone locked up now. Now the bangs of the prisoners. Pain. Pain. That is a strong word in prison, because we all feel the pain. Yes, the pain of being away from families, kids. The pain of detoxing. The pain of having your freedom taken away from you - such a pain. Just like a punch in the face. Or a knife in the back. I feel scared. Do you?

How do you feel?

Why do I feel scared? I feel scared because I might get a letter through my door saying your Dad is hurt. Your brother is in prison. Your freind is dead. Your boyfriend has left you. That's why I'm scared. It's because I can't do anything, my hands are tied. I'm behind the door on my own. It might sound mad but I can't wait to hear that Bang Bang again. The Bang Bang to let me know that I can leave my cell. I can go to education. I can just get out. I can be free.

By Hasty,
11th July 2004.

21 comments:

Naomi said...: huh interesting...i have read your blog or anyone's in so long! i have soooooooo much catching up to do!; 18 July 2007 at 20:24
The one said...: Strange story, full of death? I think your writing is just a tad more sophisticated!

don't worry, be happy! Tomorrow could be so much better than today

cheerio
sad x; 18 July 2007 at 20:31
Gledwood said...: Naomi: you surely dooo!!

Sadgirl: really? I thought this was really ... well, fascinating. She surprised me. I never thought she would come out with such things... you see someone from the "outside" so to speak and never conceive they could ever be so thoughtful. I remember once this specific person sneering at me "what do I know"? type of thing. Well I know about more than you do. Know more about life than using, buying, grasping enough money for more more more drugs. Know a little more about life than that ... truth (of the long story I mentioned) is: that we never really got on. So I grudgingly pay tribute to her expressive skills! No; 18 July 2007 at 20:52
Gledwood said...: hang on that stopped in mid sentence. But I can't remember what I was going to say ...; 18 July 2007 at 20:53
Anonymous said...: yeah those last photos are exceedingly steamy i won't say any more... except that scary "funeral" home... wow that looks like a horror film house. i once went to denis nielsen the serial killer's old house with a mate of mine. as we strolled chatting up the road i was all for going right up to the back patio drain where the dismembered body parts were found... we got there, the house is set well up high from the road. lots of dark windows - staring. creaking "for sale" sign. seriously it was the scariest house i have ever been near to if i hadn't have turned and practically ran down that road i think i would have crapped myself; 18 July 2007 at 21:03
Audrey said...: Im catching up too Gledwood and glad that the situation regarding your being able to stay is perhaps a little more clear, I admire the way you appear to be handling the stress and anxiety it must have caused you

I find your acqaintances story very moving and I can almost hear those bangs. I hope she found that education and freedom that would allow her to move on in a meaningful way

Keep strong x Auds; 18 July 2007 at 23:07
Welshcakes Limoncello said...: Hi, Gleds - catching up, too. So I might have to come over tomorrow to read more. That is very scary - as it is meant to be - what your friend wrote: that feeling of "can't get out" even if something dreadful happens to a loved one is very vivid. Gleds, can't you publish this at least for schools / colleges to read? You would do more good than all the nagging the students get - because you have been there and they would listen to you.; 18 July 2007 at 23:12
Gledwood said...: WelshcakesI have been thinking of writing my memoirs actually!
I just have to get all the facts and stuff down in the correct order, then I can fill it out ... my writing style isn't that bad actually. I've read some stuff I did a few years ago and it really isn't bad. Hopefully, if that is the case with my memoirs, they will go on to be the internationally bestselling memoirs of all time. (I am nothing if not competative!)
Good to hear from you

Gleds; 18 July 2007 at 23:28
Gledwood said...: Audrey: she didn't come across as "intellectual" by any means ... but I never had her down as thick either... having said that I was surprised to find her writing with such feeling. I never saw that feeling ever expressed in any other way, which is a shame ... but there you go ...; 18 July 2007 at 23:30
~The Neaves Nest~ said...: Thanks for visiting our page. The ring is my best friends engagement ring so yes, it is real! Hope you have a blessed week.; 18 July 2007 at 23:30
Gledwood said...: Thank you... wow that must've cost some cash!! (or creditcard burnup!!) but hey, how vulgar of me to be talking of money like this ... I'm reminded of that quotation of Oscar Wilde's about "he who knows the price of everything knows the value of nothing" ... just as well I don't know the price then, isn't it!!; 18 July 2007 at 23:34
Leila said...: i want to hear the bang bang too, but this prison is my head tonight; 19 July 2007 at 00:43
Alexys Fairfield said...: Gleds,
That was powerful. Thanks for sharing it. I can't get it out of my head. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Best wishes.; 19 July 2007 at 01:29
Bimbimbie said...: ... you have been nominated, visit and see what for *!*; 19 July 2007 at 04:00
Anonymous said...: Hi Gled!
As you can see I take a look to this blog...and I read bang,
even if I have to admit that my english is very bad and "out of grace"
Shame of me!
however I link you're blog to my page, so I'll read you sometimes.
It's known that links are streets of memory :)
Hi dear!; 19 July 2007 at 06:45
Puss-in-Boots said...: That is such a powerful piece of writing. Combined with your pieces, Gleds, you should publish. I reckon you'd find a wide audience.

Take care of you and good luck with getting the lock on the door!; 19 July 2007 at 09:18
Whitenoise said...: Gled- thanks for the visit and the link. Could you send me an email? Addy on the profile.

cheers; 19 July 2007 at 11:36
Lone Grey Squirrel said...: I was very moved by her writing. It helps us understand a bit better that feeling of helplessness. Nothing is worse than that. We all need to believe and to hope. Very honest writing. I am impressed.; 19 July 2007 at 11:48
Edyta said...: GLEDS!
YES ITS ME!!!!!!!
at last!
I'm back! & will be a staler from now. yumie, i'm eating cherries now! yum yum yum yum :D
& listening to yes - owner of a lonely heart. feelin soooo relaxed. at last the prom, etc - almost everything is over. weeee.
whats new, gleds?; 19 July 2007 at 12:35
Gledwood said...: Leila, Alexys - it's good writing isn't it? I think so

Bimbimbie - ok but lemme check it later! I'm too "snowed" under with stuff right now

Gelostellato - well you managed to read Bang all right. I wouldn't be able to read instructions on boiling an egg in your language. Let alone an account of a night and day in prison ...; 19 July 2007 at 15:31
Gledwood said...: Puss in Boots - yeah I am considering doing my memoirs. Once I've found a squat or wherever I'm meant to be going. I wish the council would just chuck me out now as that is what they are going to do

Whitenoise - ok. o hang on. i will do it 2nite, ok?

Grey Squirrel - worst thing is I don't even know what's happened to her

Edyta - what's happening. Housing troubles. But that's about all. I actually feel quite good generally. I want to write my memoirs, but I am waiting till these people leave me alone; 19 July 2007 at 15:34

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!