HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bang! Behind the Door

Long story, but it is by an acquaintance, who left it lying literally in the street. (A she. I don't know that most blokes would be so expressive.) I'm not in touch with her any more. Don't know what happened to her. So from one junkie to another; this is my tribute:

BANG! DID YOU HEAR THAT? Bang! Bang! There it is again. I can't believe it. Another day over. - can you believe it? Bang. Bang. Bang. That's it. Behind the doors for another night. Nothing but my feelings and these four walls. Just me sitting in here, thinking about the outside. The bangs revolve around the wing, from everybody's cells as they lock up. Bang. Bang. Bang. That's everyone locked up now. Now the bangs of the prisoners. Pain. Pain. That is a strong word in prison, because we all feel the pain. Yes, the pain of being away from families, kids. The pain of detoxing. The pain of having your freedom taken away from you - such a pain. Just like a punch in the face. Or a knife in the back. I feel scared. Do you?

How do you feel?

Why do I feel scared? I feel scared because I might get a letter through my door saying your Dad is hurt. Your brother is in prison. Your freind is dead. Your boyfriend has left you. That's why I'm scared. It's because I can't do anything, my hands are tied. I'm behind the door on my own. It might sound mad but I can't wait to hear that Bang Bang again. The Bang Bang to let me know that I can leave my cell. I can go to education. I can just get out. I can be free.

By Hasty,
11th July 2004.


Naomi Joy said...

huh interesting...i have read your blog or anyone's in so long! i have soooooooo much catching up to do!

sadgirl said...

Strange story, full of death? I think your writing is just a tad more sophisticated!

don't worry, be happy! Tomorrow could be so much better than today

sad x

Gledwood said...

Naomi: you surely dooo!!

Sadgirl: really? I thought this was really ... well, fascinating. She surprised me. I never thought she would come out with such things... you see someone from the "outside" so to speak and never conceive they could ever be so thoughtful. I remember once this specific person sneering at me "what do I know"? type of thing. Well I know about more than you do. Know more about life than using, buying, grasping enough money for more more more drugs. Know a little more about life than that ... truth (of the long story I mentioned) is: that we never really got on. So I grudgingly pay tribute to her expressive skills! No

Gledwood said...

hang on that stopped in mid sentence. But I can't remember what I was going to say ...

Anonymous said...

yeah those last photos are exceedingly steamy i won't say any more... except that scary "funeral" home... wow that looks like a horror film house. i once went to denis nielsen the serial killer's old house with a mate of mine. as we strolled chatting up the road i was all for going right up to the back patio drain where the dismembered body parts were found... we got there, the house is set well up high from the road. lots of dark windows - staring. creaking "for sale" sign. seriously it was the scariest house i have ever been near to if i hadn't have turned and practically ran down that road i think i would have crapped myself

Audrey said...

Im catching up too Gledwood and glad that the situation regarding your being able to stay is perhaps a little more clear, I admire the way you appear to be handling the stress and anxiety it must have caused you

I find your acqaintances story very moving and I can almost hear those bangs. I hope she found that education and freedom that would allow her to move on in a meaningful way

Keep strong x Auds

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds - catching up, too. So I might have to come over tomorrow to read more. That is very scary - as it is meant to be - what your friend wrote: that feeling of "can't get out" even if something dreadful happens to a loved one is very vivid. Gleds, can't you publish this at least for schools / colleges to read? You would do more good than all the nagging the students get - because you have been there and they would listen to you.

Gledwood said...

WelshcakesI have been thinking of writing my memoirs actually!
I just have to get all the facts and stuff down in the correct order, then I can fill it out ... my writing style isn't that bad actually. I've read some stuff I did a few years ago and it really isn't bad. Hopefully, if that is the case with my memoirs, they will go on to be the internationally bestselling memoirs of all time. (I am nothing if not competative!)
Good to hear from you


Gledwood said...

Audrey: she didn't come across as "intellectual" by any means ... but I never had her down as thick either... having said that I was surprised to find her writing with such feeling. I never saw that feeling ever expressed in any other way, which is a shame ... but there you go ...

Ricardo and Lauren said...

Thanks for visiting our page. The ring is my best friends engagement ring so yes, it is real! Hope you have a blessed week.

Gledwood said...

Thank you... wow that must've cost some cash!! (or creditcard burnup!!) but hey, how vulgar of me to be talking of money like this ... I'm reminded of that quotation of Oscar Wilde's about "he who knows the price of everything knows the value of nothing" ... just as well I don't know the price then, isn't it!!

Leila said...

i want to hear the bang bang too, but this prison is my head tonight

Alexys Fairfield said...

That was powerful. Thanks for sharing it. I can't get it out of my head. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Best wishes.

Bimbimbie said...

... you have been nominated, visit and see what for *!*

Anonymous said...

Hi Gled!
As you can see I take a look to this blog...and I read bang,
even if I have to admit that my english is very bad and "out of grace"
Shame of me!
however I link you're blog to my page, so I'll read you sometimes.
It's known that links are streets of memory :)
Hi dear!

Puss-in-Boots said...

That is such a powerful piece of writing. Combined with your pieces, Gleds, you should publish. I reckon you'd find a wide audience.

Take care of you and good luck with getting the lock on the door!

whitenoise said...

Gled- thanks for the visit and the link. Could you send me an email? Addy on the profile.


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I was very moved by her writing. It helps us understand a bit better that feeling of helplessness. Nothing is worse than that. We all need to believe and to hope. Very honest writing. I am impressed.

Edyta said...

YES ITS ME!!!!!!!
at last!
I'm back! & will be a staler from now. yumie, i'm eating cherries now! yum yum yum yum :D
& listening to yes - owner of a lonely heart. feelin soooo relaxed. at last the prom, etc - almost everything is over. weeee.
whats new, gleds?

Gledwood said...

Leila, Alexys - it's good writing isn't it? I think so

Bimbimbie - ok but lemme check it later! I'm too "snowed" under with stuff right now

Gelostellato - well you managed to read Bang all right. I wouldn't be able to read instructions on boiling an egg in your language. Let alone an account of a night and day in prison ...

Gledwood said...

Puss in Boots - yeah I am considering doing my memoirs. Once I've found a squat or wherever I'm meant to be going. I wish the council would just chuck me out now as that is what they are going to do

Whitenoise - ok. o hang on. i will do it 2nite, ok?

Grey Squirrel - worst thing is I don't even know what's happened to her

Edyta - what's happening. Housing troubles. But that's about all. I actually feel quite good generally. I want to write my memoirs, but I am waiting till these people leave me alone

Anonymous said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

Anonymous said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood