Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): What Happened Today...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

What Happened Today...

TODAY BEING SATURDAY. NOT SUNDAY. IT'S JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT AS I TYPE.

RIGHT I DO APOLOGIZE BUT THERE WILL BE NO part 6 today: that will have to wait till tomorrow. Today was my day of rest. I was too exhausted. What did I do instead? A series of mundane practical things involving clothes, shops, the exchange where I'm meant to return an entire cardboard box containing about two years' or more needles... yet every time I remember it's too late in the day.... you know how it gets sometimes. I just want that box of horrible blunt scary-looking child-unfriendly things out of my house. When will that happen??

I dreamed about having a bizarrely large home. It was so big it was the size of a hospital or university complex ... this is one of my recurring dreams (I hope it is prophetic! Maybe yesterday's £77,777 and I ought to have come up with a more J K Rowling esque £777,777,777 type sum. That would buy the house in this evening's dream ... somehow into the dream was melanged or factored or mixed in or whatever the fact that ancient Egyptians dug in sandstone(?) it was easy to make tunnels in the pyramids(?) but the sandstone had gone and we could not dig in any more. Some such dream-style nonsense.

On that note I'd better go before yous all want to flee from my folly.

No more news of any consequence so ... till tomorrow...

6 comments:

raffi said...: have a good weekend. we'll wait for part6 when you get to it. as for your dream, pretty fantastic.; 1 July 2007 at 03:57
RUTH said...: Checked my lottery numbers with you in mind...would love to have a spare £5k to get you clean. No luck though..hang in there.
Rx; 1 July 2007 at 08:10
Merle said...: Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you have been feeling a bit down today, but hope that tomorrow will be better for you.
Thanks for the comments, I was very
interested in the mouse spiders and
will use your link to read about them
I don't like any spiders, even cute tarantulas!! I don't think you would meet up with a funnel web in Sydney unless you were outside gardening.There are very few deaths from them.I don't think I should be the one to try to help you with photos, although I would like to, but I am far from expert. You would have to have photos on your computer to choose from. You go to Blogger, click on the picture icon
in the row of icons. This brings up
a window, You click on Browse, and then you will select your Pictures, and pick a photo to post, Highlight it and then click on Upload Picture
and this will bring it up with the clock thing that publishes our posts. Then click on Done. Then it should be on your post. Good luck. Someone else may be able to direct you better. Take care, Refards, Merle.; 1 July 2007 at 09:38
Gledwood said...: Thanks Raffi
Ruth you've changed your nametag... how on earth did you do that... where do I go to get one of my own?
Hi Merle I replied to you at yours.. nasty mouse spiders... glad there up at sydney and not by you!!; 1 July 2007 at 11:16
Audrey said...: Enjoy your Sunday and your rest, aren't our dreams fascinating at times.

Work for me today,but intend to buy one of those 7's scratch cards..who knows???

When will that happen? you ask
When it happens,do what you can, when you can, not what you can't..or something like that..lol; 1 July 2007 at 11:41
Akelamalu said...: Sorry Gleds I didn't win the lottery yet. I'll keep trying though.; 1 July 2007 at 12:32

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!