HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Laundretta Chucked Out Too?

LAUNDRETTA JUST ASKED ME WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE STAYING, OR WHETHER WE GO. Because Dr Evilstein telephoned her when she was at her mother's on Friday informing her "out, out, out!" now she says it's not "out out out!" and I'm reassured at least that it's not just me who's somewhat confused about it all. She said "I need to know, as I need to tell Dr Bentos (her worker). I said to her "don't worry about it; if we were all getting chucked out today, I'm sure we'd all know about it."

As the saying goes: NO NEWS is (usually) GOOD NEWS ..!

PS While I was talking to her I said: "How many people use this upstairs bathroom."
Quickly she responded ... "Well three as my boyfriend doesn't officially live here."
"Okay then why do you always blame me for the mess in there?"
Because my room has been so messy, it transpired.
"Well I'm telling you it is not me, it never has been me leaving a disgusting mess in there. It has to be the guy downstairs. The guy whose ceiling you keep stomp-stomp-stomping all over."
That set her off. She "protested far too much" about how her boards are loose, how the sound cannot help but resinate through the roof.
"Have you ever fallen out with him?" I asked.
No. There is no "beef" between them whatsoever, she claims.
"Well don't you want to come down with me right now and confront him? Because it's disgusting what he's doing (pissing all over the toilet seat and just leaving it, etc) and it's quite obviously deliberate."
This she refused (rather strangely if you consider how convinced she's supposed to be that all is down to me).
"Well if you ever want to confront him, come with me and we will speak to him together," I said. (Speak? Yell, more like. He is disgusting.)
So that's what transpired at my house today ...

***

To find out in detail what is going to happen in World War III, click here.

***

Come here for a funky blog: Crib Ceiling

19 comments:

takfenglili said...

Hi... thanks for visiting my blog & left a comment to it. ;p I am a bit lost with your post but guess Laundretta is your landlord, right? She is judging a book by its cover, ya?

gledwood said...

No Laundretta is a crackhead prostitute who lives in another room in my house. I am a heroin addict down-and-out. She looks down on me bc my room was an utter tip at its worst. I was just staring into space as I sat day after day in a pile of cockroach-infested rubbish. So she assumes it must be me leaving the bathroom in a mess. I think she knows it is the guy downstairs but was not up for confronting him when I said Let's go, let's go down and do it! She has no bottle. It's all politixx, mate. All politixx ...

gledwood said...

My Landlord is called Dr Evilstein
and his boss is called Dr Betterstein ...

sadgirl said...

Oh poor Gleds!

It doesn't sound much fun there. Wouldn't a hostel be better? I wish I could come round with me Marigolds, a bit like Kim and Aggie!

Any more thoughts on detox? Recently you mentioned a nurse telling you you would need to cut down first. Any progress? I really believe you can build a better life although you probably don't believe it now. You deserve better than what you have now.

Keep yer pecker up! It shows something very good about you that you show a great sense of humour through all this.

all the best
sad x

Haley-O said...

Yeah, you do have a great sense of humour through all this. That's the first step to coming out of it (and it does sound like you want to end your addiction). It's the first step because you do have distance from it. I'm not totally sure what's going on here either -- being a first time reader. But, sounds like things are pretty crazay!

Gledwood said...

Haley~~no-1 ever IS sure what's going on with me..!! haha!

Sadgirl: I already AM in a hostel ... that's why the accommodation is so precarious bc they're using ultrashortterm accommodation as longterm housing options ... i could "easily spend 10 years in this place, so they tell me, so don't get itchy feet tooo soon"

serious bizniss!!

thanks for all your support though

gleds
xx

Wayward Son said...

Hi Gleds. It sounds as if the universe is sending you messages to reinforce your thoughts about seeking recovery. That's what the woo woo in me is thinking. I tried to think of something more practical to comment with but, really, what's more practical than your wish to be free of your addiction?

I share your faith that you will be alright until you make the jump from feeling the"need to quit" to "wanting to quit." That's when for me quitting becames an easier unfolding of events) Lately I have been tossing about in a bit of inner turmoil but I never question my desire to not use. It's the only thing I am certain of 100%. The rest fluctuates a bit. Meanwhile, I have a happy doggie video posted if you like a good feeling or two.

I'll be watching to see how the story unfolds next.

Your friend, WS

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Glad to see you are still installed at your place and blogging. Although, do you have any alternatives as far as places to stay? Does seem stressful where you are.

Gledwood said...

Squirrel: I'm not blogging from mine though!
Even if I'm homeless I can still go on blogging as I'm using a cybercaff!

Wayward: thanxx v much 4 your faith in me!!

IVY said...

Yea, that sucks when people judge you at the wrong moment and then use that as a weapon again and again.
PS. Do you know anything about "methadone causing a smooth brain" or what that rumor means?
PPS. Havent seen your comments in a while and miss you!

Gledwood said...

methadone causing a smooth brain??
do you mean it totally peggs up all the opiate receptor sites?
that's all i've heard
surely...
sorry i've not been anywhere except in the last couple of days when i tried to come back only the blinkin' computer went down on me just as I was trying to update all my links & everything ... so typical

Bétakarotin said...

Hi,I'm a fan of the Brandrodung blog,you know,the one written in that "mysterious" language.That's funny:D,our language is mysterious indeed,but very beautiful.
I wonder how did you manage to find out,it's hungarian?

K.M. said...

hello bloger with the blog previous that mine... how you doin'...

sadgirl said...

Hi Gleds

Oh me making assumptions about your accommodation! Are hostels all the same or if you moved round London you might get a better one? Its no problem giving you moral support. I feel abit powerless to help. I just know you are suffering. I don't think you belong in the scene you are mixed up in. I really think the only way is up. Do you remember that song in the 80s I think it was? Keep posting Gleds because everyone wants to hear you triumph against adversity.

Hang on in there
sad x

RUTH said...

Glad you've still got a roof over your head at the moment. Wish I could help.
Rx

Sharon said...

Didn't know you were still stopping by to read.
Thanks for putting me on your blog roll. I took mine down a while back because I didn't want anyone to feel left out. I figured they would know I was reading when I left comments.
As for your comment on my blog--I am an introvert and if it was just up to me I don't think I would take the time to get involved in caring about a lot of people besides my husband and immediate family.But I love and care--because He(God) first loved me.He taught me how to love. You know--this world is a mess why even bother getting all mixed up in it's mess. I do--because I care.
Praying for you.

gledwood said...

How did I find out it's Hungarian, Bétakarotin? There's a certain accent mark used in Hungarian, like a double acute accent or a slanted German umlaut and you don't get that in any other language I know ...

Hi, KM. I used to go bloghopping like that a lot, but I stopped recently. I went for a massive hop this afternoon to see what I can see... and as per usual, ended up all over the place ...

Sadgirl: thanks for your support. I know the only way is up. I feel it quite strongly now, a kind of turning-point has been reached. Can't explain any better than that, I'm afraid, but I feel it ...

Ruth: it's ok. Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok now. As they say "sufficient for the day are the cares thereof" and as long as I have a roof here and now, I'm ok, aren't I? And I am ok. Thanks all the same: what could any of you do..?

Sharon: I wrote out thanks to God actually in the post I'm just about to post now... I know how you feel about the blogroll. I've just added so many people, they were all the people who were commenting in the past month so I could get back to them ... I just add people willynilly and hope people realize there's no snobbery. I've always said "if you want to be in my links, just ask" ... open to all... I mean look at them! Not that I don't make use of them. Every so often I go down them like a Christmas card list and make sure I've not left anyone out! Also I know a lot of people I'm only in touch with on a once per month or so basis, but that is cool. There are some fascinating people out there and I don't want to loose touch.

Thanks very much for your support everyone. It is much appreciated ...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood