HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Rainy, Clement, Dreadfully Intermediate

RAINY, CLEMENT, DREADFULLY INTERMEDIATE: it's that kinda day.

I, as I tried to write out last night, am reappraising my life.


Working out where it is I wanna go and what I'm willing to do to get there.

As the old Chinese proverb states, it's the Journey that counts ... whether or not we finally get there. Or to put it another way, life's not purely about winning: but it's most definitely about taking part. And that's been my trouble: not even taking part.

I still have the seeds of ambition within me. When I was younger I did nothing but daydream on what I would achieve and how. I was never someone to make any distinction between "daydreaming" and "planning" ~ which you can look at two ways, I suppose. It could be a tremendous weakness or it could be the strength that saves me ...

***

BOOKS I'M READING: (or attempting to read; I've not ploughed through any one of them as yet) ...
Notes from a Small Island ~ Bill Bryson. American author; but! Do any of ye Yanks know this? 'Twas a big bestseller over here.
Breaking the Trust by Lucy Clare. "The day that Jack Palmer dies is one taht his three children ... will never forget. Returning to the family home to grieve, the last thing they expect is their mother's shocking announcement: their father had had an affair and a child with another woman. Titus Palmer is the brother they never knew they had ..."
and
The Dream Merchants by Harold Robbins. This one I have the most likely chance of finishing even tho it is 500 pages of close type (I'm reading the 1974 NEL paperback. If reprinted today in that mandy type they use with massive extra leading I'm sure it would extend to six or seven hundred pages or more...) I have a weakness for dazzling rags to riches tales of passion, hatred and revenge. The "spicy" bits (as I detailed in my little critique on Mario Puzo) to be honest I often find cringeworthy. If you want porn go and look at it. It has no place in novels. So many times I've been affronted, upon reading a perfectly pleasing story suddenly to flip the page and "panting like a lion that has subdued its still living prey he diddled her doddles with his whatever ..." and I think "please!" shut up!!

Hokay dokey. I've got part the next (can't even recall the number) of my personal miniseries all ready for the typing ... by quarter past six local time all should be ready. Righty-ho then...

***

stop press no it won't :: i'm off for a mcdonalds £1.19 (what a cheek! they were 99p last year!) double cheeseburger. somehow they got the balance of meat to bread to running fat right. single cheeseburger = too bready. big mac etc = too dry (if they use the same "patties" to make expensive big macs & cheapo double cheese i'll eat my television licence) ... the double cheeseburger is delightfully swimming in grease and you get that full-on beef hit only steak and (rather bizarrely) hamburgers seem to give ...

righty ho then ...


***

ps i keep thinking of that story of the genital warts i heard yesterday. and even worse the lurid photographs i dug up from the genital warts wikipedia site. ukk!

7 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

"it's never too late to be what you might have been" - George Eliot.

Gledwood said...

o! that's most reassuring to hear!

JaniceNW said...

My sons were both forced to watch the STD film in 8th grade. Geneital warts is what freaked them out the most. My youngest, "Mom it's looks like cauliflower was growing down there. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" I laughed and laughed and hoped it would keep him away from sex just a bit longer.

Gledwood said...

ukk!

did you click the link and see the photos?

some of them look like mouldering sunflower seeds hanging off lower scotum

utterly disgusting

sexual organs aren't the prettiest part of any human body at the best of times

but bewarted ones?...?

ukk~ukkery~ukk!!

Wayward Son said...

The George Eliot quote should be the world's mantra. It is genius!

The double cheeseburger at MacDonald's here is the mainstay of the "dollar" menu and, as such, the mainstay of good many people's diet. Sad but true. I don't think anyone entertains the idea that it is real meat or real cheese, for that matter. It is, though, two patties I am sure.

WS

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood