HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Agatha Christie Afternoon

HI PEOPLE! I HAD A NICE SLEEP THIS AFTERNOON. Strangely, all this threat of homelessness and I've snapped totally out of the depression that had been dogging me for several weeks (it always comes in pretty indistinct waves, like recurrent U shapes on a graph, except it is sometimes possible to have an aparently good day (or better day) only to plunge back down...) On Tuesday when I got severe hastle off the Evilstein landlord I went straight to Mother Hubbs's with a suitcase full of papers all bubbly and hyper. But I quietened down and told her, "You know what, any moment now I'm going to flip," and I did flip out, but it was like the anxiety sensors in my brain had all been disconnected (OK I'd had a few drinks but drink is no cure for anxiety as we all know) ... no this was something else. My head turned a treble backwards sommersault and up up! Into Lalaland!! Strawberry Fields Verruca land! Yes I was indeed confused but I didn't want not to be confused. I knew the reality was too terrible to contemplate... does this make any sense at all? Like when I turned up (eventually) at the council's offices the woman treated me like I was retarded. I wasn't "hamming it up" either; I was trying to appear as lucid as I could but it just didn't work. My problem has been that even before I was on drugs people have accused me of being "stoned" when I was down and "high" when I was up. So what can I do? I can never win. Also my moods, I suppose I have to admit, do swing up and down a bit more than the average person's. Most of my friends say antidepressants "don't really do anything" ... well they do to me! I've had roaring highs off of them and been accused of being "hypomanic". Fortunately these periods usually stabled off within a week or so and I dutifully hid them from doctors to avoid the label "bipolar" and the dreaded lithium. I would hate to be on lithium. It is a toxic metal and aparently makes you feel all heavy and lifeless. On a mental flatline. Depressives who take it (as opposed to manic depressives) don't tend to complain about that factor so much, because, I'd suppose, if anything it is lifting them ... Anyway even if I were possibly "manic" depressive it would most definitely be the mildest type. I've never gone shopping naked in Selfridges dishing out million pound cheques to the homeless or doing other things the truly manic do. But ... oh I don't know. I have a psychiatric assessment next Wednesday but I'm not volunteering any info. I do want to complain about all the months I was paranoid and hearing through the walls (now I cannot hear through the walls, which suggests I was "tripping" the entire time ...) and will say to him what planet was my old drugs worker on, to let me come in in that state (I was in abject disarray I can tell you) and not do anything! That makes me so angry!!

Agatha Christie's book is "dreadfully good" as one of her society characters might pronounce. People say her plots are "creaking" and the dialogue "wooden" sometimes. No way! She captures the speech of a certain section of society - ie the upper and upper-middle classes of England ... really from the period between the wars. When At Bertrams Hotel came out in 1965 it was already a blast from the past then. That was the point of it; that was Christie's very appeal.

The "murder" is merely a disappearance and I'm half way through. There's been a great train robbery but Miss Marple isn't up to much yet ... I'll let you know how I get on. O! Did you know I did once read a Christie and guess who done it and how! (I'm sorry but merely picking the correct character's name blindfold with a pin, as it were, does not constitute solving the mystery!) But this one book I did guess howdunnit and kept thinking come on! Come on! Can't you see it. Usually I get it totally wrong. And have now learned not even to speculate. I just let the story roll out and at the end think: oh, of course! Yeah, like I was gonna guess it all along. Yeah, right ...

Okay dokey... Obie's here. Has nobody clicked my Obie Trice link? Come on!! It is fantastic!

***

PS Blog of the day: James's New Life in Beijing: http://shuanglong.blogspot.com
- he's off to Tibet now. As I told him, Tibet and Burma are the two places I've most wanted to see in the entire world ... strangely they are linked ("Tibeto-Burman languages for one thing. Many of the Burmese, Lao and Thai hilltribes supposedly originate from Tibet too...) Give it a click. Well worth the look ...

***

This is what "Madonna" claims to be her newest song:

I only rumbled "her" by visiting her oldest posts and realizing what an obvious spoof it was back then. Which has grown into some sad person's at times quite convincing fake of a famous person's website. Even before I found the blog's glaringly spoofy beginning I had my suspicions. E.g. "she" claimed to have "just finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" ... well anyone who knows about Harry Potter will realize that not even Madonna is allowed an advanced preview copy. The book was printed under armed guard. The MS American edition was so closely guarded the exec who carried it over sat on it all the way on a first class London to New York flight ... She says she had trouble rehearsing that Life Earth /whatever it was called concert with a children's choir "because they were singing too loud, I had to keep telling them to calm down; people wanted to hear me, not them" ... but sound levels: that is a sound engineer's job, when sound is electronically amplified it's a simple task to get the mix right. And certainly not the choir's problem for "singing too loud" come on!! Blahblah... And so on and so on! ...And these poor people who comment every day in their droves feel some sparkle's come into their lives because Madonna herself is reading their very words. No! It is a sad unemployed balding former milkman in South London, let me tell you!

I've been working on some more tracks for my new album. This one song in particular is looking very promising. Right now I'm calling it "Dance Dance Dance." I'm having it remixed now. I'll test it out at some clubs and see what the reaction is. You never know...It could end up on the new album! [strangely it won't. because madonna didn't write it.] Here are the lyrics...


See which flavor you like and I’ll have it for you
Come on in to my store, I’ve got candy galore
Dont pretend you’re not hungry, I’ve seen it before
I’ve got turkish delight baby and so much more

Get up out of your seat (your seat)
Come on up to the dance floor
Ive got something so sweet (so sweet)
Come on up to the front door
I need plenty of heat (heat)
Form a special connection
Just start moving your feet (your feet)
Move on over to me

I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy shop (candy shop)
Everything (everything)
That I got (that I got)
I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy store (candy store)
Lollipop (lollipop)
Have some more (have some more)

My sugar is raw
Sticky and Sweet
Dance Dance Dance

All the suckers are not all we sell in the store
Chocolate kisses so good
you’ll be beggin for more
Dont pretend you’re not hungry
Ive got plenty to eat
Come on in to my store
cause my sugar is sweet!

Get up out of your seat (your seat)
Come on up to the dance floor
Ive got something so sweet (so sweet)
Come on up to the front door
I need plenty of heat (heat)
Form a special connection
Just start moving your feet (your feet)
Move on over to me

I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy shop (candy shop)
Everything (everything)
That I got (that I got)
I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy store (candy store)
Lollipop (lollipop)
Have some more (have some more)

See which flavor you like and I’ll have it for you
Come on in to my store, I’ve got candy galore
Dont pretend you’re not hungry, I’ve seen it before
I’ve got turkish delight baby and so much more

Get up out of your seat (your seat)
Come on up to the dance floor
Ive got something so sweet (so sweet)
Come on up to the front door
I need plenty of heat (heat)
Form a special connection
Just start moving your feet (your feet)
Move on over to me

I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy shop (candy shop)
Everything (everything)
That I got (that I got)
I’ll be your one stop (one stop)
Candy store (candy store)
Lollipop (lollipop)
Have some more (have some more)

17 comments:

Florecita said...

Hello there! My blog is a spanish blog!!!!!! Hope I can learn portuguese... have you ever tried meditation????

gledwood said...

Yes. When I've been on my "clean" buzzes, I think, when I do feel anxious: "I must meditate ..." I know it works very well for not only curing anxiety but focusing the mind ...

gledwood said...

Sorry for getting the Spanish/Portuguese wrong ... I really ought to know better. I'm so sorry ...(!)

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so sorry your life has been in chaos lately and I hope you can settle down and feel more calm. Maybe once the living arrangements are settled, you will feel better and I hope you can get a lock on your door for some privacy. The very best of luck for your meeting next Wednesday. I hope it goes well. Take care, my friend,
Regards, Merle.

Florecita said...

Don't worry Gledwood, hope everything goes well this week, my vibes are with you... and keep on breathing it helps a lot... I've been meditating for the last 16 years!!!!!! that looks old, oh my gush!!!!

Akelamalu said...

Hope it all goes well this week for you.

Steve G said...

Hey, you need to watch out for those free burgers. I think I would rather eat a carp.

AnimaKonfusa said...

In answer of your question in my blog:
I think yes. Is really her. By blog she announced "Hey you" (nobody knows about it); she published pictures from Malawi (who else?). She's Madonna. After all she's human!
Best regards, gleds.
AnimaKonfusa

Dan said...

Hey buddy. Our moods come and go, like the tides. Sometimes all we can do is ride them out. Fighting them is futile. Hugs dude.

Liz said...

I listen to Radio 7 and they have Agatha Christie mysteries as well as Paul Temple and Rumpole. Paul Temple, made in the sixties I guess, is so very English.

I don't drink and people always seem surprised, 'You're like you are and you don't even drink?!'

Imagine what I would be like if I did, I say.

Zhu said...

Sorry to see you're going though bit of depression... it sucks. Hope everything settles down... keep on writing, it's a good and cheap therapy ! ;)

JaniceNW said...

My 18yo is bipolar 2 which is mildly depressed with one or more episodes of hypomania. They don't give him lithium. They now use newer antipsychotics if one needs them, he doesn't. A a mood stabilizer of which the most common after lithium, is depakote. It will keep one from going hypomanic or will bring 'em down.

Sorry to be dull.

Greg! said...

could be fake, could be real. kinda hard to say! I don't think the comments are read for the most part, if in fact it is her. Yeah , I don't blog nearly enough. I'll try to keep more recent in my postings :D

ggirl said...

I think there are more treatment options than lithium now. I actually now take a drug used to treat bipolar disorder. It works for those of us who are only deeply, deeply depressed, too. I love it.

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Anonymous said...

well.actually that song WAS in the Hard Candy album..

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood