HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 20, 2007

What Happened Next

I AM IN A CYBERCAFF. Everytime somebody's phone near me rings, the opening bars of La Isla Bonita come shrilling out. I am not homeless yet. (Nearly wrote "hopeless" there by accident. If that "slip" ain't fraudian, what is?)

As I was trying to say yesterday. - O man! La Isla Bonita again!! - As I was trying to say. But as usual probably got distracted before time for the point came before me ... Basically I had to go to the council offices about being "chucked out" and "confused" though that latter was the Vietnamese reception officer's assessment. Which was spot on bc I was exceedingly confused and still am. People lying, manipulating. Trying manoevres on. Etc. That is the truth: an ugly situation. Anyway Council Reprimander Guy arranged to come pointedly in the afternoon. "You must make room shipshape by then," he repeated several times. ("Shipshape" was my word. He adopted it off me.) OK OK I will. Then ... well I said yesterday. You gonna turn up three hours early when you told me to chuck mosta my stuff out? You gonna find rubbish piled by my door! Where's the surprise.

Anyway, now it just looks like a room with lots of books in one corner, some suitcases lying on a packing trunk under the sash window.... hammy hidden on cupboard by cooker (that cupboard is the real "fire hazard" ... being as heat rises and it is practically on top of the hotplates. Evilstein saw Hammy's tank. Was quite pointedly staring at it. Full of (clean) woodshavings. With various obviously nibbled toilet tubes and a Marlboro Menthols packet with a hole chewed right through the middle. Hammy has never been mentioned so I assume is allowed to stay. He is going for a celebration ping all over the newly cleared carpets this evening.

And that is that. I am ponderously reading (bc I can never stick with anything. Harrold Robbins is out the window.) Agatha Christie's At Bertram's Hotel (might as well have titled it Murder At Clardiges - woulda given their business the same boost the Orient Express Venic Simplon got from the book of similar name. Did you know the Orient Express used to run all the way from London to a boat. Then get on another train at Calais and go all the way to Turkey? Does anyone know whether it is running thru the Channel Tunnel nowadays? I hope so. Even EastEnders has been on the Orient Express. Angie drunkenly shot her mouth off and Den overheard. (This was in about 1985.) ... Slept for a great tranche of the afternoon as was tired. Dreaming of Harry Potter (ukk! Never read one. Did try. Never got past page one. I used to love "fantasy" aged ten. Now I have real troubles with it. Lord of the Rings confounded me with a description of a dragon (firework) passing overhead with "a roar like an express train" - what express precisely? The 9:27 to Mordor ... come on JRR!

Right gotta go pee. Hope this statement doesn't result in pervy ads to my top right ...

***

WHY AM I SO HUNGRY? I've been munching on bread rolls with brie. The brie I accidentally left out while I slept so it went horrible and sloppy (I am English; not French!). Once while I was in France we had this horribly sloppy French cheese that was just like white horses' diarrhoea. I swear you could taste the rancid chewed up grass in that slop. And man! It stank! Ukk. How can people eat something like that. Also there was a mental hospital nearby from where this man used to go out dressed as a red Indian squaw. And the truks on the roads were enormous! The size of American trains almost (actually, maybe bigger). Also to make an emergency call from a phone kiosk you had to insert 10F (this was well before the days of Euros!) - even though it did spit it out again after I was utterly disgusted by this. What? So muggers, rapists, etc. can just make sure their victims don't have 10F left on them? What then. I was truly outraged by an international sense of injustice. Just thought I'd leave those "thoughts" with you.

If anyone has pertinent complaints or observations about Britain (not stupid stuff like Iraq, please! We all hate Tony Blair for that.) I would love to hear 'em ...

PS Tomorrow I'm going to get currants and sugar (already have the white self-raising flour and an egg) to make Welshcakes ... as in Welshcakes Limoncello, yes ...

8 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. At last! I've found someone else who hasn't read and doesn't intend to read Harry Potter! Loved your description of France. Do let us know how the Welshcakes turn out and thanks for the mention. Buon weekend.

RAFFI said...

one must be an attention-seeker to have a song (esp. midi music which sucks) play when the phone rings... "look at me, i have a cool song on my phone... look at me i'm popular and people call me". stoooooopid. i can't stand smelly cheeses.. and i will say some of the french cheeses smell worse than a rotting rodent trapped in an inocuous location in a hot, sultry cellar. as for harry potter, i've truly tried getting on-board (as some of my colleagues), but i can't help like it's a bunch of crap... not to mention, my friends who like the films sit there a observe hermine (?sp) like a hawk... sick bastards... she's like two y/o. as for britain, i've only been to london, though i have a friend living in coventry. i loved w1, canary wharf, the millenium bridge, camden town, and many others.. just can't remember everything.

RUTH said...

Hope the Welshcakes turn out oK and SO GLAD you're not homeless!
Rx

JaniceNW said...

Glad you have a place to stay. Your landlord and the committee sound a bit like nutjobs to me. I do like Harry Potter but I am with you on Harold Robbins~total rubbish!

Nicole said...

I haven't had a chance to read for a few days. Our telephone and internet connection died on Saturday and someone is coming on Thursday. I'm only online from work until it's fixed at home.

Did you know that the Orient Express also went through Croatia. Zagreb was a major stop and they built a hotel especially for this. It's still there and is one of the nicest hotels in Zagreb. I have a lengthy link to show you the dome ballroom, you'll have to do a bit of copy and paste as it's broken in the comment here:

http://www.fivestaralliance.com/
luxury_hotel/zagreb/the_regent_
esplanade_zagreb/gallery/67421_
conf_01_e

ggirl said...

Harry Potter: no. Star Wars: no. Tolkein: no. Any other books/movies known and loved by all: hell no. I'm just crazy that way.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood