HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Strawberry Fields: This Is For Real

LIFE AIN'T NO BOWL OF CHERRIES. NOR OF STRAWBERRIES, NEITHER!

I'm well aware of that.

But I was right in quoting the Beatles in that confusional post below.

Because I've just seen a man at the Council and it's true: nothing was real.

He's coming here tomorrow to see the state of this "house of horrors" I live in and witness for himself my lockless door. So the latest is: I'm not getting chucked out. I just need to keep the place tidy. A main reason it was untidy was: no security. Far safer to confuse your stuff in with junk than to live in a house with doors swinging open between front door and bedroom and a neatly arrayed selection of all that's dear to me and a message to the thieves: here it is; take your pick!

So that's the latest. The man is due round tomorrow afternoon.

And then, at long last, this whole soap-opera of a situation might finally be put to bed.

***

THIS IS A COMMENT I GOT EARLIER ON:

Anonymous said...
um yea no offense but i dont even understand what the hell you're talking about.


18 July 2007 15:08

AND THIS IS MY REPLY:
I hope this makes the situation in clear for anyone coming in midway through (well: let's hope at the end of) the saga ...


Gledwood said...
i don't blame you
i've not known what was going on half the time
basically my entire house is a tip
my room was scruffy as well
i had enough stuff for an apartment, at one point, in one room
i've been chucking it out systematically
i don't get on with my neighbours (ie housemates but they don't share in rent or anything so neighbour is the best term)
they complained about me, blaming all the bad state of the house on me
a man from the local council, who provide this accommodation via a private landlord (it is a "bed & breakfast hostel") ... is coming tomorrow to see the house
and to see that e.g. i get a proper, operational lock put on my door etc
THAT is the soap opera


18 July 2007 16:27

Gledwood said...
ps: the beatles reference (ie "nothing is real") was for 2 reasons: 1 it felt so utterly surreal and 2 i knew i have not been getting the whole story; ie being told first we are all out, we all must obtain alternative accommodation from the council then only me and laundretta (the neighbour i don't get on with) are out, then only seemingly i am out (to be honest i don't have a clue about laundretta but she's so vocal i'm sure the whole world would know if she was out on her ear) ... landlords refused to put anything in writing ... and as per usual different people and departments know, don't know, say and have failed to communicate different things so it was not until today that the situation felt anywhere near to becoming resolved ...
and that's as much as i know so far
18 July 2007 16:35

***

OK KIDS, WANNA SEE "STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOR EVER"?

Click here for the original Beatles'
(v home-made-looking) cinecam promo video.

Click here for Candyflip's 1990s remake.

and

Click here
for a 1960s possibly Beatles-voiced cartoon
that I've only seen the beginning of, but I think it gets quite psychedelic ...

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

um yea no offense but i dont even understand what the hell you're talking about.

takfenglili said...

Finally you get to stay, Gled! :)

Gledwood said...

i don't blame you
i've not known what was going on half the time
basically my entire house is a tip
my room was scruffy as well
i had enough stuff for an apartment, at one point, in one room
i've been chucking it out systematically
i don't get on with my neighbours (ie housemates but they don't share in rent or anything so neighbour is the best term)
they complained about me, blaming all the bad state of the house on me
a man from the local council, who provide this accommodation via a private landlord (it is a "bed & breakfast hostel) ... is coming tomorrow to see the house
and to see that e.g. i get a proper, operational lock put on my door etc
THAT is the soap opera

Gledwood said...

ps: the beatles reference (ie "nothing is real") was for 2 reasons: 1 it felt so utterly surreal and 2 i knew i have not been getting the whole story; ie being told first we are all out, we all must obtain alternative accommodation from the council then only me and laundretta (the neighbour i don't get on with) are out, then only seemingly i am out (to be honest i don't have a clue about laundretta but she's so vocal i'm sure the whole world would know if she was out on her ear) ... landlords refused to put anything in writing ... and as per usual different people and departments know, don't know, say and have failed to communicate different things so it was not until today that the situation felt anywhere near to becoming resolved ...
and that's as much as i know so far

jungle jane said...

woooohooo Gled - glad to hear you are not getting evicted.

now go tidy that room!

sadgirl said...

Hi Gleds

I hope the council man sorts stuff out as its very stressful worrying about being chucked out all the time. And just to say because you are on drugs I don't think you are bad just very unlucky and unfortunate with perhaps a few unwise choices along the line of who you mixed with. However things could be on the up dramatically if you do something about the rehab.

all the best mate
keep going little by little

sad x

Kahshe Cottager said...

Sounds like things may be improving for you! I can only imagine how unsettling the last few days must have been for you.

Vinz said...

I'm very happy for you Gleds :-) Hopefully this guy will get that lock sorted quickly. How happy must you be knowing that people can't just storm into your room anymore :-)

WAT said...

Oh you mention and honor The Beatles in this post.

I AM SO GIDDY NOW! OR AM I HIGH? NO, JUST A BIT OF A BEATLEMANIAC HERE.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood