HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

My Kate Moss Pete Doherty Dream

PERHAPS THIS WAS SPARKED BY THE CONFIRMATION in today's paper that I got at 7am that they had indeed split ... I knew this already. Don't know how. Somehow I just knew she would only tolerate "romancing" a using junkie for so long. Especially considering those scandals of her own ...

The dream began on a sort of industrial boat with a helecopter port on top. Kate (and I (? I don't recall)) had flown onto the boat by helecopter. We were sailing through some marshy enormous industrial no-man's land like the Hook of Holland with all cranes in the background and sea birds all over the place. Kate Moss was talking to her freind and I was so intrigued I suppose I must have ended up following her.

Next scene is in rehab, where I met Pete Doherty. He was much nicer and "cooler" (by this I mean less arrogant and more together) than he seems in the press. A Jamaican rasta grass dealer appeared with a huge bundle of grass on a dinner plate, offered it to Pete, who said yes and just slid it under his hat!

There was a wasps nest in the corner with wasps the size of budgies constantly coming in and out.

All manner of underhandedness was going on at this rehab. Principally, I suppose, to do with using drugs. But I didn't really want anything to do with it. It was as if I was grabbing hold of the carpet and yet someone was trying to tear it from me.

I remember I had this notebook that was supposedly important to me. One person in particular was trying to be really nice to me to get a look in this book. Then a woman came in, put her hand right up the wasps' nest and produced another notebook. It was Pete Doherty's diary. "Oh! He only had two yesterday!" (Two hits of heroin, I suppose.) "Oooo, bless!"

And that was my Kate Moss Pete Doherty Dream.

Sorry... should I have embroidered it for the reading public? Surely it is bizarre enough...!

10 comments:

JaniceNW said...

WOW! You have some very interesting dreams! Thanks for sharing.

Kahshe Cottager said...

I have been away from Blogland for a few days and had some catching up when I came here. Your writing is very prolific lately as you continue your journey into your soul. (Akin to Conrad's Heart of Darkness in a way) I get the sense you are approaching a resolution as I read through the past few days of your journal - you are sounding stronger!

Nicole said...

I love it! You know I follow that whole romance on one of my favourite websites D-Listed:
http://dlisted.com/

sadgirl said...

Hi Gledwood

The wasps would have been enough to terrify me as I saw my sister attacked by a whole nest of them when we were 7.(She is my twin but not depressed.) I wonder if its a good sign that rehab is in your subconscious?

see ya
sad x

Akelamalu said...

Strange dream.

RAFFI said...

must've been because the video and references in the recent past. cool dream though.

gledwood said...

Janice: you really think it's that fascinating. Wow! I'm flattered. I would say I don't normally dream about celebs, but I've captured myself doing that more and more of late ... so I obviously do... you can even go to my wondrous celebrity blog
http://gledwoodceleb.blogspot.com
it's wow-some!
Kahshe: I'm akin to Joseph Conrad??! Wow that is a compliment and a half. Tho I bet Conrad didn't exclaim "wow!" quite so much ...
Nicole:
http://dlisted.com ~~I shall have to take a good long look at that!
Sadgirl: probably a good sign that rehab's in the subconscious, yes ... your sister attacked by a whole nest of wasps ... oookkh! ukk. yukk. disgusting creatures. yeurrghkkkhh.
Akelamalu: bizarre dream, I know!
Raffi: and that dream was all true. As I said, I didn't embroider (though I suspect loads of other people do when they post stuff online) I never exaggerate. I s'pose I don't need to (which is unfortunate for me but still entertains the reader, I s'pose...)

Diesel said...

That's some crazy stuff. Although more coherent than most of my dreams, I must say.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood