HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Cloudburst

CLOUDBURST!
It's now raining so hard the streets have gone white
where a sheen of water jumps up back to the sky with each new pitterpatter ... it is madness. The air has nearly gone white... buses, cars, stopping. Most vehicles have lights on now. (Why do they do that? Do headlights somehow dry out the rain?) ... I've done a tiny bit of bloghopping and found this one about music from Jesus's time: http://theancientstar-song.blogspot.com/ - have a look and see if you like it.

I'm off to see Mother Hubbs now. Maybe she can be a cornerstone of sanity in the wild seas of my existence. Or something like that. See ya later!

18 comments:

Vinz said...

In The Netherlands it's pretty customary that everybody basically always has their headlights turned on. Even in broad daylight it makes your car seen a little bit better which prevents a few more accidents.

diakoneo said...

Thanks for your comments and the honor of your link today. I hope a few stop by. Enjoyed reading a bit here and there. Here in the States same as vinz in Netherlands. Varies from State to state but think most have laws for being able to see oncoming cars. Accident prevention.

diakoneo

diakoneo said...

You night want to check out Heaven Grooves at: http://heavenly-grooves.blogspot.com/ also.

diakoneo

Steve G said...

I'll trade you some of our heat for a little rain. I know it sounds strange coming from Germany.

tom said...

The wind has kicked up, the clouds are getting dark....wet weather, thunderstorms on the way here in the New World..

Exquisico said...

I like it when rain comes so hard it looks like smoke blowing off the sides of the buildings. That means they're all stuck inside, which means they're leaving me alone.

I think most people fear rainstorms because rain knows what it's doing and where it wants to go in life.

Nicole said...

Headlights are just for visibility.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Thanks for dropping in and for adding my site to your sidebar. I have also added you to mine.

I hope your head is feeling better now that there has been some rain. I know that heavy head feeling that is associated with pressure changes when there is rain coming!

I hope that things settle for you this week!

meeyauw said...

Visibility so that others can see you because in rain that heavy you can't see a thing. It's the law in some states but not in Vermont.

As I was reading your post, our skies opened up. It's constant and unrelenting rain.

Regina and Renee said...

thanks for stopping by at our blog!! actually i have no idea who we are named after! but i'll be sure to ask!!

~exoh~
Ray

Audrey said...

Aberdeen has been bathed in brilliant sunshine all day making a pleasant change, Im one of those who switch my headlights on in heavy rain its become an automatic reaction now

Puss-in-Boots said...

We put our head lights on in heavy rain purely to be seen. There are idiots out there who drive like maniacs whatever the weather and no-one wants to be smashed into.

Have a good day.

gledwood said...

o i see about the headlights now... being a nondriver, to me it always looked atmospheric in a storm, suddenly these lights coming on everywhere ... considering, as i said, the air going "white" i can see how such lights would be useful ...

JaniceNW said...

My car is a 2006 Honda Civic and my running lights are always on when my headlights are off. The cars in Canada have "daylight' headlights that are always on. It's a law for cars built after a certain date.

I love rain myself. Good thing I live in Seattle, huh? Yesterday it 87 with high humidity. NASTY. I was my clouds and my 60 degree weather back.

Hope you're keeping dry!!!

AintNeverScared said...

I checked out the blog, but why do they call it music from Jesus time? He says it's recorded between the 1960's and 1980's, a period of Evangelism. Hmmm, I never considered that a particularly Christian time. Then again, I wasn't alive or aware for most of it, but still. I thought it was gonna be, like, JESUS' TIME.

IVY said...

Wow! You have 15 (now 16) answers to an entry that short!
I liked your first line about it raining so hard the streets "have gone white..." and the word "sheen" works nicely.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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