HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Chinese Mousey Climbing

FOUND A NEW CAGE FOR THE CHINESE MOUSE! It was an abandoned budgie cage with birds' diarrhoea smeared all over the bottom; so I Cillit Banged it. Now it's gleaming shiny anew. I put Mouster in it. Wow, can he climb! Normal hamsters make up what they lack in agility in sheer enthusiasm. Surely we have all seen a great big fat tubby golden hammy pluckily attempting circuits of the upside down bar-clinging. Nearly every time they slip and fall, usually within half a minute. Well this one was right up the top for ten minutes and never slipt once, let alone fell... he really does have a "prehensile" tail (ie can hold onto things with it) and can even climb downwards facing down without once ever putting a foot wrong. Amazing agility. Now I'm putting all his nests in there for a furry transfer of homes. But it will have to be hidden come Monday morning when Evilstein promises to apply cockroach spray to every cranny. I told him I'd pack up my books in black sacks (bc the insects like to hide in between things and if I can pick up all my books in one go he can spray behind where they were. I loathe cockroaches and they're still there more than two years since their first manic infestation ...)

These mousey doings are all I have to say. Finding his new home really perked up my day as I've been exhaustedly down ever since forcing myself up at 11am. All I've really wanted to do ever since is to go back to bed ... well ... a bit like a hamster, really ...

Also I've been drinking far too much cyder. Which I shall have to cut down on, I know. But I don't know how I can ... I just wanted to go ro rehab and now I can't because they told me I'm on too much methadone juice and no detoxification plant would ever let me in ... so that is depressing too ... it's all very vulgar. If there's any news tomorrow except my going to Mother Hubbs's for Sunday lunch I will let you know.

BTW in repsonse to your question, whoever it was asked: Mother Hubbs (short for "Mother Hubbard" is not my genetic mother. Really just a friend. Who kind of took me in (took my stuff in more like. For over three years whilst I was at Nutnut Lona's and out on the streets.) Mother Hubbs is one of the best friends I have ever had.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

coo!

IVY said...

Ive never met anybody who loved their chinese hampster as much as you do. U probably are more attentive to it than most people are to their kids.

I have to brush my cats teeth. SO THERE, ;)

Edyta said...

OMG!
U love ur hamste sooo much! Thats sooo cute!
& btw, i am looking forward to the MEMEs. LOL, such a funny name. Anywho, as i was saying, u love ur pet :)
& much respect towards Mother Hubbs. Now that's a real friend!
How did that Placebo song go?
"A friend in need is a friend indeed
but a friend with weed is better"

haha. i always laugh out loud at those words :D
thanx for visiting me, hope ur hectic days shall be over soon & u will feel harmony in whatever u do :)
there. a poetic ending to a complete nonsense comment. TYPICAL.

Puss-in-Boots said...

It's great that you have a hamster to share life with and that you were able to find him a new home.

Sounds like you need Mother Hubbs in your life, Gleds and it's good she is such a good friend to you.

M- Filer said...

I am addicted to your blog. I find it so interesting. It's your candor about your addiction that really attracts me.

Two questions that you can answer now or wait and write about later in a post if you feel like it. Or not at all for that matter. Up to you...

1.You mentioned in a recent post that you can not post photos. Why not?

2.I don't know anything about methadone other than it is replacement therapy for heroin. What is the alternative to methadone? In other words how long would it take to go through withdrawals without it?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Your Chinese hamster sounds sweet and you are such a kind man, Gleds. He'll keep you going! Mother Hubbs sounds wonderful.

Gledwood said...

Anon: woo!

Ivy: the hamster is just like a pet wild woodmouse or something. I mean obviously the English wild woodmouse or "yellownecked mouse". American mice with similar names are probably different. I.e. our woodmouse has very brown coloured fur (not greyish like the housemouse) and really poppy beady eyes compared to the elephant-eyed housemouse (I mean eyes in scale as an elephant's are to an elephant's body ...)

Edyta: I can't even think of that Placebo song: though I know the expression well. In giftshops they used to sell a wallplaque reading: "A friend in need is a bloody nuisance!"

Gledwood said...

PiB: mmm without Mother Hubbs I would not have eaten properly for months on end and would never have been able to keep myself clean bc she's done all my (clothes) washing for me ...

M-filer: no photos? BC I don't have a camera. Also I would never post up pixx of myself otherwise I'd end up in hiding bc everyone in real life would know who I am I couldn't handle that...

withdrawal? It comes on within about 12 hours after the last "hit" ... within 24 hours you are generally feeling dreadful. symptoms peak in about 48 hours and level out for about another day ... then gradually they start getting better, fading out in about a week, though you still can't sleep after this. That is HEROIN withdrawal I'm talking about. Methadone withdrawal aparently goes on for weeks on end. Ukk! Which is why nobody withdrawl cold turkey from methadone if they have any say at all in the matter ...

Welshcakes: the hammy is very cute indeed!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood