HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 03, 2007

7a.m. Booze

DRUNK AT 7AM! That was me today! A cleaning bug bit me (bedbug more like)... and I had to have alcohol to get moving... in the end it deteriorated into me plunking out random glockenspiel sounds on Yamaha synthesizer as Moonlight Sonata blared from free Mail on Sunday "Country Cottage" CD. The neighbours have spent enough time annoying me I felt it was my turn to make some noise. Strangely none of this woke up Laundretta or Matran... perhaps I was being quieter than I thought...

Later in the morning I took to feeling really quite ill. Eventually I had to return home and to bed and sleep it all off. How inconvenient.

Nobody got disturbed by my impromptu classical music concert, either.

I THOUGHT I WAS HALLUCINATING EARLIER ON WHEN I SAW BABY ITCHY RUNNING AFTER A BALL IN THE PARK! Yes! My escaped hamster had turned loose on the green I was frantic with concern... till I realized it was just some old age pensioner's Yorkshire terrier... hmmm.

AND BIG MOMMA SPHERICAL GOT STUCK trying to squeeze her fat backside out of the Tea House (a Sainsbury's Red Label 40 teabags box with "windows" cut in all sides by moi) ... she looked so indignant and I had to resist temptations to give her a poke with an old crow's feather or something that would really have got her moving. Neither was she put in a good mood by my sudden appearance, cackling at her and saying "Have you got a fat bum? You have!"

BASHFUL has done nothing of note of late except been bashful.

YANGYANG the Chinese hamster has aphagia. I once told a certain friend "aphagia" meant giving up smoking and they believed me!

Yesterday I revelaed to Ruth how I have 50% turnip blood coursing these battered veins of mine. In fact half my entire family have (or had when they were alive) Wurzel Gummidge accents.

Ruth was quite shocked and confessed she had believed me to be product of some ancient aristocratic lineage.

Not so, I'm afraid. Although I did used to speak in the same voice as Prince William when I was a student in Norfolk many moons ago... this had more to do with being surrounded by public schoolboys and Sloanes and being out of touch with the local people. Two of the people I know now claim to hail from elevated backgrounds. But most of my friends nowadays really are quite vulgar. Some even have Cockney accents.

Yeah, as I was saying to the Duke of Marlborough only the other day: I'm a real man of the people .....

And on that note I had better leave things be...

Tunes:
Sinead
Thank You For Hearing Me
Three Babies fan vid
Three Babies original vid

11 comments:

jim dandy said...

I had a similar day, sans the jam session and accents. O.K. so the only similarity was that upon waking early with a hangover and seeing an open beer still full, drank that and then commenced cleaning the refrigerator out of any others and spending the rest of the day with my cat in bed watching the history channel with nibblies and scotch. As I said to Lord Byron just the other day, The only thing in the world worse than getting drunk in the morning, is not getting drunk in the morning.

Audrey said...

A real man of the people with a great sense of humour, really enjoyed reading your post especially the part about Itchy in the park ( reminding me of an old song )Had a similar experience last night when visiting my son, thought there was one of those draught excluders by my feet,until it moved and I realised it was the Boa constrictor out for some exercise.......Pass that bottle please. Enjoy your day Gleds

gledwood said...

Hey I thought I had answered these.. how singularly REMISS of me... I wish I had the history channel... one day when I'm rich I shall have a wallmounted plasma TV hooked up to a multimedia PC or even better apple MAC ... I shall use this Mac to make THEE ambient album of the noughties... a skewed simmering vibratron of odd sounds plus me singing (after extensive lessons) my own versions of out-of-copyright songs plus melodies of my own composition ... as well as my own poems read in my Shakespearean actor's voice... wow it will be an underground hit... people will kill to get hands on the limited edition double vinyl version...

... but lots of people think I'm NOT a man of the people Audrey ... once I showed Valium Marilyn a picture of the Queen's "blue drawing room" (a ballroom by anyone else's standards) from Buck House and said "this is like my old drawing room from the house I grew up in but quite a bit smaller" and she BELIEVED ME!!

Yes I have seen THREE Porkshire Terrorizers that reminded me of Itchy... he doesn't like it when I laugh and say "You're a little Porkie, you are!£" ... somehow hamster faces can portray indignancy... like Big Momma Spherical a wriggling and a-biggling her fat backside through that teahouse window... imagine Mama Cass trying to wriggle out of a back toilet window if you will.. and THAT is the impression Momma Spherical created... she was SO OFFENDED when I laughed at her...

Liz said...

My cousin, a little Welsh girl, went to uni in Reading or Kent or ... somewhere English, and the first time I saw her afterwards I nearly fell off my chair. Heard her more like. I could not believe the accent she was putting on. It wasn't just the unconscious picking up of dialect or lilt, but like someone who was trying to take off the Queen. Badly. And she was serious. I kept waiting for her to forget and to talk proper like, but she kept it up. And now she never visits her old mum and dad (they're too common for someone who now lives in Surrey.)

Gledwood said...

are you serious?? how dreadful

what a bitch!

sorry i had to say it

RUTH said...

Doth the man protest too much!!!! Surely there's blue blood in those veins somewhere????? Sorry Gleds but you've still not destroyed my illusions of you...or have I just drunk too much red wine and seeing you through rose coloured glasses :o)

gledwood said...

well you are hardly the first to gather that opinion of me... but far as i know i am just an oik and as vulgar as everyone else

Liz said...

I'm glad you did, Gleds. Say it that is. It's true.

gledwood said...

i hate people like that...

i spent years not seeing my family but it was bc of water that hadnt yet passed under the bridge... not snobbery

if you feel you have moved on to bigger and better things you should not feel bad/scared/disgusted at going back where you came from bc you have truly moved on

seems to me someone like that is just a fake and is scared of getting found out!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood