HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Why Can't I Write As Quick As Spherical Runs?

THIS IS GONNA BE A very short post as I've not much to tell.
My roborovskis are in hamster heaven after I discovered a stash of kitchen-roll and toilet tubes in a back bin yesterday. They now have tunnels galore to ping along...

Also I am beginning to theorize that "Baby" Itchy might not actually be a Baby at all, as he/she shows no sign whatsoever of growing... but might rather be a dwarf dwarf hamster... he/she is very tiny - small enough to fit inside a hen's egg shell...

Well there's no specific news of them really. Except yesterday I accidentally dropped a chicken bone on their heads. Wow! The palaver as they all scuttled and hid. For all of five seconds. Only to emerge in exact unison from three separate places... poking pink noses up in the air as if to say "What was THAT?!?"

Memoirs: I have been slogging away every day. (Slogging might not actually be the right word. "Trying" is perhaps better.) I've put pen to paper at least on a daily basis... and yet have yet to complete even four pages (as printed)! I don't know WHY it should seem so incredibly hard. But hard it seems....

Right I better had go and sort various "things" out....

***

TUNE OF THE DAY
(Something very different. I lifted this from Calista's blog...)
Dino Merlin i Zeljko Joksimovic - Supermen

25 comments:

Sharon said...

Hey, I glad to see you are still around.
In regards to your comment--yes, pressure cookers cook in 1/3 of the time of normal cooking process.
It makes a better product in shorter time if you know how to use the cookers properly.
Here is the verse I quoted:
"3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
So even in the hard times I can be joyful because I know-- if I belong to Him--all things will eventually work out for my good. He promises it. But I have to let HIS perfect work take place. This week has been rough and I have been tempted to tell Him I have had enough. But, that would be like quitting just before the reward was given. The runner looks up at the curve in the road and says, I quit! What he did not realize was that just around the corner was the finish line and no one was ahead of him.

Sean from DocintheBox said...

I came home a couple of weeks ago to a dead hamster:( She had pushed her house in front of the water when I was away on a long weekend. Other then getting divorced by the girl of my dreams, life isn't too bad. Hanging in there though.

Calista*Was*Here said...

Hi,
tell me more about yourself and let's find solution 4u.
Please, don't tell me that I can only watch.
That sounds like grave digging.

Wait 4 your book:)

Gledwood said...

Sharon:... I will try and remember the gist of that!

Sean: something VERY similar happened to me once... the water bottle BLOCKED UP I honestly had no idea until a bloody dead mouse.... I had as I say NO IDEA what was causing all the illness up till then. Ukk.

Calista: I will try and explain myself in a post... that will at least give me something to write about... ive been SO uninspired of late

zen wizard said...

I am going to say, "stay fullsize."

That poor Britney looked like a really bored stripper who just dropped a Qualude.

The old foreign guys in the first one look way sexier.

Gledwood said...

you know what.. surely if she's a professional she knows that live TV aside if your performance is going to get so badly fff'd up you just sit down quicly and pull the boots off - wobble the heel to camera if necessary... then rejoin the routine where you left off... or get 'em to start it again.

i think that's what i'd do.

i'd rather be all over the papers for a broken shoe than for being inept, wouldn't you?!??!

david mcmahon said...

G'day Gledwood,

``Palaver'' is a word that should be popularised. I'm all for it.....

Just added you to my blogroll.

Do keep in touch

Cheers

David

Gledwood said...

yes she does definitely look like a bored stripper as well

the british press printed pix of her from that show looking enormous (bc she was slightly bending over making her stomach look far huger)....

which just goes to show why i don't trust the press... they are transparent enough to show stuff from things they know I will see... knowing i will see through their own biased version... don't they get it?

the tabloid press, i predict will not exist in another 20 years' time

gledwood said...

hi david mcM... how odd you just posted that comment as i was posting "britney bored stripper" etceteras...

aparently the word palaver means a tribal dance gathering in africa or some such oddness....

i will put you on my role in a sec or tomorrow this computer is MISBEHAVING!!!!

Stu said...

That's interesting that you think the tabloid press will disappear in 20 years - why is that?

Not surprised to hear that writing your memoirs is a tough job. I know I'd find it hell tough if I tried to write mine. I reckon the only way to do it would be to set myself a daily word count - maybe 1000 words a day? And I wouldn't necessarily write it in chronological order, otherwise I might get bored, or overwhelmed early on by how little of my life I'd managed to get through.

Watched the Britney vid - I didn't see it live, but clearly that heel was a problem. Poor lass. She did look like a bored stripper though, I agree.

Mousie/Paisible said...

a dwarf dawrf hamster ! i would love to see that ...

AintNeverScared said...

Not that you asked for advice, but I find that if you just make it a goal to sit down and write for a certain amount of time everyday ... that's how you'll get it done. Not everyday is gonna be a great, inspired day. I don't think any writer is that lucky! But it will come; your stuff is great. All those volumes you wrote for awhile about your history were wonderful; are you using those? Methinks you should!

I loved "Zen"s comment re Britney! Perfect description. I think that's pretty much what/who she is nowadays. And I liked the girl. But damn. If she wants to make music and be famous, then she needs to get her ass serious and get her ass to WORK. Otherwise, just stop messing around, just quit the industry, puh-leeze.

gledwood said...

Stu: I think the tabloid press as printed papers will go because people no longer will bother buying and reading these things, rather want to watch the clips online as Youtube style short films....

Surely the future for the press would be to have written stories and pictures that you click on and they play short film clips... THAT I believe is what the public would go for... the technology for a newspaper with readable electronic type PLUS moving picture clips is very nearly available now and I'd say THAT is the future for the "press"...

gledwood said...

Mousie: I would love to get a picture of the dwarf dwarf he/she is so tiny... as small as my thumb... maybe if she IS a she I should call her Thumbelina!

Ain't Never: What you and Stu advised is what I'm trying to do already ... though my word count is more liberal (ie more liberal to ME ie SHORTER) actually I'm completing as little as a couple of hundred words a day...

... part of the trouble is I'm wading through my childhood ... then I've my adolscence to do... I MUST write all this in order I'm certain of that otherwise I'm only sowing seeds to get even MORE confused in future.... not all of this prior time is strictly relevant but something must be set down... maybe as much as 1/2 or more will have eventually to be cut out... anyway I'm still a couple of chapters off actually starting to tell the story of my DRUGS. And even when I DO I have to describe my first (4 doses at once) manic bad LSD trip etc etc... heroin doesn't come along for a good few years after that... but I'm certain if I tell my story in chronological order and in strictly relevant detail I'll begin to detail the roots and threads of where this addiction came into the life of someone who was so very cautious and careful all along....

Top right "writers' blogs" the one link there at the moment said he's putting a memoirs writing post in there just for me so have a look there

Gleds

Marty said...

Marty here -- greetings from Deutschland! I'm feeling a bit more "chipper" (*ahem*) today than I did earlier this week. Hey, while I'm here, I meant to take that "How American Are You" test you posted, but forgot ... how did you find it?

Anyhow, you've got the link now. Stop by and say hi!

pissed off patricia said...

Any time any of us think we have problems we just need to watch that Britney video and realize as problems go in a personal life, she has us all beat.

I'm sure when the chicken bone fell the poor little hampters thought the sky was falling.

Take care of yourself and the little fur guys too :)

mutleythedog said...

Glad to see you are still keeping busy Mr G. I hope the memoirs go well they need to be a bit more than four pages you know. The tiny dwarve sounds fun..

Gledwood said...

Marty:... I'll see yer in a minute...

P.o.P.:... they were so entertaining the way they all ran and hid for LITERALLY about 3 seconds then emerged from 3 different places at EXACTLY the same time!

Mutley: A bit more than 4 pages... I know! I've gone and PURCHASED memoirs for £6.99 in order to use as inspirational template. Type thing...

Marty said...

Wie sprichst Du so gut Deutsch? Yeah, it was perfect, as far as I can tell.

Oh, only if I were one of your hammies, delighting in those too-cool tunnels ...

And yes, your comment was posted. It has some sort of feature that forces you to verify that you're a "real person" but, if all goes well, the comment goes through immediately.

Marty said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gledwood said...

Hey you commented twoce? Twice. Hmmm. That is like saying "zwo" 'stead of two, surely....


Do you like my Gorillaz tune?

Those hamsters are going to get a megahuge stuck-together tunnellery soon...

Jason said...

i need some time to hang out here and really read... keep it up...

gledwood said...

yes; i have tapped in a lot of drivel in my time here!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood