HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bloghop Blobberous Sergeant Itchy Memoirism

I WENT OUT BLOGHOPPING FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS LAST NIGHT and got such lovely comments back today. To "blog-hop" can mean different things to different people so let me say what I do. You CAN just press "next blog" and see what comes up but it's so very random and most of the 70,000,000 blogs have only one post or are in South American languages or nobody reads them at all so that's usually a dead loss for finding something interesting. There used to be a thing called Random Blog Button you could "press" and a blog would come up out of the ether to entertain you - and it usually WAS entertaining. No more, however. They've improved the life out of the Random Blog website so thoroughly the random feature has gone! (How typical is THAT of the modern world?? Hmmm.) The best way of bloghopping is easy: you go to someone's blog you know and click on a commentator you don't know. And you take it from there, clicking on comments upon comments friends of friends of friends and every time I see something interesting I leave my electronic calling card at least to say "hello - I coasted through, wahey!!" and on you go. (If you don't leave the callingcard you get no comments back - duh!)

I used to do that a lot. A lady called Annelisa who wears a glittery wig laughed because she'd seen me like a rash one night over every blog she knew. I DO miss the Random Blog Button... were it not for that I'd never have discovered the joys of Daniel Thompson, Microtonal Composer among many blogs of microminority interest ... nor Amazing Gracie, who seemed to pop up every seventh click!!

In answer to the queries I got last night, yes I AM a writer - as one who daily writes can call oneself but I'm not getting paid until I submit an entire manuscript to a literary agent and get my $1,000,000 advance, so until that time I remain poor and undiscovered and living (literally, yeah!) in a garett - haha! What was the other question? Oh yeah how do I find the time? Well, blogging takes an average half hour per day including replying to comments and spreading myself around a bit like herpes (you know, over the internet) not to mention posting. I always post EVERY day even though I usually have nothing to say (inherent factor of this blog, I'm afraid.) The book DOES take time... because in 4 hours I might write 2 pages. And by that I mean 2 pages in handwritten scribble on A4 33 lines per page "ruled, feint". Hmmm.

I found Clarissa Dickson Wright's memoirs (she is a former TV cook in this country, famous for the BBC show Two Fat Ladies) - in the bookshop today. Appropriately enough they are entitled, Spilling the Beans. She doesn't novelize her memories: just raconteurs them on paper the way a letter writer (or a blogger, for that matter) might do so. But Clarissa Dickson Wright is a known personality (who used to drink like a fish incidentally) who I got the strong impression really did write every word herself. She probably produced a manuscript so strong the publishers took it on as it was. I'm not known, but I still feel a bit spurious about bowing to convention and adorning my memories with novelistic dialogue that I don't REMEMBER strictly being spoken like that ...

My neighbours think I am mad. What else would YOU think if you stood at the door to hear 4am cooing, "Come out you old gremlin! Come out you swine!" (Me talking to Bashful.) Boy is she looking blobberous today, she's like a furry globe with a face racing about... Then Sergeant Itchy emerges to investigate. I'm sure Itchy really is a dwarf dwarf hamster, she hasn't grown at all since I got her - how long ago was it? Surely 2 months ago by now... Because she is smallest she still gets most washed - looks like a baby cow with wet back all prickled up. Hence title "Itchy" I thought at first she had the prickles literally...

On that note I must go. I've written no memoirs at all today and Valium Marilyn's threatening to come bellowing down my street if I don't come and shut her up first...

Wahey! Till tomorrow...

Video of the day:
REM - Losing My Religion


PS Remember I said Clarissa Dickson Wright gave great interview? Click here for her this year's Desert Island Disks transcript. Fascinating.

15 comments:

zen wizard said...

What kind of world is it when a man can't call out to his pet gerbils at 4 am in the morning, from his balcony, without everyone questioning his sanity?

As Chad & Jeremy once sang, "I can't stay in a world without love."

Even if it's love for a rodent.

Calista*Was*Here said...

I really admire your will to post every day!

You are good boy!

Bye!

gledwood said...

Zen Wizz! OR FOUR RODENTS! HAHAHAARGH!!!

Calista! I'M VERY GOOD INDEED HAHA!!

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hey Gleds,
Just checking in to see how you are doing? I liked the clips. I like to blog hop too, you never know what you will find. It's a mystery until you stumble on to something great.

Spacecake said...

Hi :D. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a couple of comments.

I used to hit the "next blog" button a lot myself, but just as you stated all the blogs that I ever came across were in languages I don't speak (well enough, anyway) or were just crappy with two posts from years back. :E.

And then I used to do the other thing, too. By going on someone's blog and just finding new blogs through them... but now I don't have much time because of school and everything so I don't do it anymore (I could, if I really wanted to except that I don't want to feel guilty after not having time to go on interesting blogs again and commenting more etc etc, the list of excuses is endless -- as is this comment, apparently).

Hee-hee, my blog comments weren't always this huge. I swear. :D.

I love blogging and writing which means I can ALWAYS (well, almost) find time for it. Not everyday, and sometimes I might not blog for weeks... but I'm just like that when it comes to writing. I write when I feel like it. And if I don't write on my blog I'm probably busy writing somewhere else, i.e. forums, notebooks, e-mails and so on.

Ok the end. xD.

the domestic minx said...

Thank you for visiting Gledwood, darling!!
I do hope to see more of you in the boudoir!

Love your blog!!
I can see myself getting lost in here with all these delicious distractions!

xox

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I too have wondered where the random blog button has gone. Bloghopping is a lot harder work without it. :)

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, just popped in to see how you going,be back soon Im having puter problems...

pining said...

Hi Gledwood!
I have been reading your posts for a long time now... you keep me amused :-)
so shall look forward to your memoirs when it comes out :-)

gledwood said...

Alexys: I get constantly surprised how good a lot of the stuff is, the writing and - especially the photographs. In fact I've learned the only difference between amateur and professional in these arts is "calling oneself" professional haha!

Spacecake: 1. you speak English like a native - how come??! 2. ooo school oer there WAS no internet when I was at school. Nearest thing to it was a network of Research Machines Nimbus computers (long extinct)... they were linked complete with data volume restrictions on each account - meaning you could only save about 10,000 words text tops (that is about 1/10 of a second of a CD) hmmm.... I used to hop blogs all the time now I only tend to do it once a week or so

Domestic Minx: your boudoir - haha! I will drop by soon I promise!!

gledwood said...

Lonegrey: yeah what did they DO to it? At least with that you KNEW everything would be in ENGLISH... and why keep it going but WITHOUT the random facility ... what does "random blog button" MEAN then... oh as I said it is a sign of this confused world we live in !!

Jeanette: Well I hope they get sorted out, Ruth's at the Dr's too

Pining: Hopefully by autumn 2008!!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ You are doing well with 5000 words so far on your blockbuster. The revenue doesn't sound wonderful, but possibly wasn't current. Please keep at the writing.
I see you visited Connie who was one of my visitors last Thursday. She is in my Aussie list under Meow. And she is the dark haired lady in my photo.
I am not related to many - only my brother Peter and his son Marcus in
my family list (above the Aussies)
But quite a few are friends like Jeanette, Gwen and Margaret and Jen's family. It is Spring here, not mid Winter BTW. Take care,
Kind regards, Merle.

gledwood said...

Actually it's memoirs... the "blockbuster" came in because that was all the bookshop had that seemed worth reading (and I'm not naive enough to believe that "writing for children" is going to make me the next JK Rowling... there will not be a next J K Rowling but there's always plenty of room for writers of adult popular books

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood