HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Diarrhoeary Moments Monday

WHAT AN INCONVENIENT TIME! I'VE HAD DIARRHOEA splurging into the lavvy like chocolate flavoured porridge (not the same smell though (oddly)). And the grips half the time. And the inconvenience, as I said. I missed Sunday lunch yesterday, not because I couldn't make it but because I couldn't face the thought of a piled up plate of steaming roast chicken, gravy, Porkshire pudding (baby Itchy style) and garden veggies (esp lovely stringbeans)... all I could see was myself swushing out a diarrhoea Everest next morning if not sooner. I know it has been dreadfully inconvenient all the way and Mother Hubbard said she got it plus someone else we know called Porker Mc Podger plus other people. It is going round like a dose of the clap or whatever the expression's s'posed to be...


WELL MY ROBBIES now have landscaped grounds
through which to scurry... an 18in long L-shaped tubular bedroom that breaks in half for them to do weeweeze on the woodchips and banks of graceful Capability Brown-style rolling hills carefully sculpted into their aquarium so they emerge, like Stig of the Dump, from the troll-like depths of the underground... Wooooowh!

And when I break open their bedroom in the daytime and lean over cooing three pink noses appear... Bashful and Itchy always as a two-storey hamster with Itchy as the ground floor... and Spherical is first to panic and go bolting into the blue yonder (well red actually because it's Red Label) of the tea house...

IVY REPREHENDED ME yesterday for jumping from one topic to the next like a stuck Chinese hamster chocolate sauce better than Whitney Houston. What?

Well you get the point there. Do yous all agree? That I hopscotch so rapidly between topics (albeit in discreet paragraphs) that my chains of thought become as disjointed as Ratner's 9ct belchers? Please add a comment to the great debate.

My memoirs have made a false start in their composition... People keep saying my writing's OK and (especially when it's quoted back to me) selected bits seem fine... it would be rather pretentious to say I NEVER read any of my blog posts back because of course I look everything over rather briefly and some bits I spend some time on... generally speaking though, I do just tend to tap out and press return and hope for the best! My argument to self about this is that while blogging's democratic (in fact most readers of blogs are also bloggers... and the general standard of writing, photography and overall graphix and design I would say is surprisingly high across the popular blogosphere... Readers of a book are not generally book-writers, however. And a consistently high standard of prose is expected ... surely? Or should I just knock 'em out like they're for my blog and hope for the best? (Or to put it another way: see how the results turn out and take it from there~??)

Hey I've a musical treat for you in today's vids: if you don't already know it, please be informed. Leona Lewis is the Next Big Thing. Voice of a generation. She's launching in America in the very near future...

Winner of 2006's X-factor (ie British "American Idol") she has a voice that in my view appears only once in a generation. She's up there with Whitney Houston. And far better than Mariah Carey.

Here are the songs:
Leona Lewis:
I Will Always Love You
(watch this right through to when she starts belting it out. The crowd go bananas)
All By Myself (best version I've heard. Compare to Celine Dion's version)
A Moment Like This (first British single)

21 comments:

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; glad you got back from the grouse shoot ok, how kind of Lord Devonshire to lend you his equerry. I wonder if that upset stomach is due to an overindulgence of Haggis and Scotch! Hope you feel better soon
Rx

Carver said...

Hi Gledwood,

I will answer your questions in comments on my blog in case anyone else is interesting but thought I'd pop over here. Sorry to see you haven't been feeling well. That's a pain in many ways.

The summer has been awful and it's still not cooling off where I live. I've also heard something similar about Arizona to what you've heard. Even where I live (NC), we had weeks in August where it was over 100 degrees Farenheit which is unusual and the drought is terrible. Even now it's not cooling off much.

The fires have been bad in parts of the U.S. but I haven't heard that stat about them being worse than what they've had in Greece.

Thanks for visiting me. I did enjoy looking at Ruth's garden. It's gorgeous.

Take care, Carver

gledwood said...

Ruth: o it was rather convenient as i travelled in the horsebox with straw in the corner as toilet...(!) i'm ok... nowhere near as bad as Debs http://debsbox.blogspot.com she felt like she was literally DYING from food poisoning/gastric flue/SOMETHING horrible like that. ukk

Carver: is NC North Carolina... surely it's not (traditionally) THAT hot there... wow the weather sounds really "out of order" out there to be honest... ours has been mad as well with floods all over the place... also we frequently get temperatures in the high 90s in London... i mean only about a week a year but it is MEMORABLE because London is not at ALL designed for the heat... many thanks for coming by... I'm glad you liked Ruth's blog I thought you would!

Wayward Son said...

It is quite hot in the Carolinas... often just as bad as in Florida which is where I am from.

I have read about professional writers who blog and they say the same as you. One types up their thoughts hit return and hopes for the best. there is no publishing house to provide editing and proofing. At least their is spell check but as we all can see in all of our writing, that hardly prevents misspelled words.

I rather enjoy your stream-of-consciousness, though. It lends a whimsical air to a less than whimsical subject at times and that makes it all the more easier to digest. Speaking of digestion, I hope your feeling better! You sound so cheerful for one beset with the runs! Must be your wonderful British-ness coming through again.


WS

Wayward Son said...

My comment is a PERFECT example of hit return and hope for the best gone awry! Such typos!

Audrey said...

LOL Gleds, that was some description of the dreaded lurgy :)

I enjoy the way you write, reading you exercises my brain in terms of keeping track of the flow, winding and bending,here, there and everywhere..never a dull moment, interesting, humorous, yet very often getting a serious point across..a great gift.

I had wondered what became of Leonna Lewis, she has a wonderful talent and very modest about it too.

Hope your feeling better soon

Nicole said...

Gled, once again I'm far behind in the blog reading! My job is really keeping me from living life! Vincent and I are back from Berlin and I am happy to announce that while there Vincent scored his Australian Permanent Resident visa and we're hoping to move to Adelaide in November. Keep your fingers crossed!

Mousie/Paisible said...

i do think it's nice to wander through topics, go from one to the other...and I do like Chinese Hamsters when they paint their faces with chocolate sauce...look cute that way...blogs are made to express one self not make logical writing...

Mousie/Paisible said...

forgot to ask? feeling better today ?

Gledwood said...

Wayward: "I have read about professional writers who blog and they say the same as you." Is that true? I noticed from Jeffrey Archer's blog which is in my links VI you won't see a hint of his at times spellbinding storytelling technique in any of those pedestrian blog posts!

Audrey: really i never noticed i go skewed off so much... except when i HAVE read it back and thought "hey i was supposed to go on and say such and such here" when actually the subject totally changed leaving the point to be made trailing in the dust!

Nicole: good! I bet you can't wait to get there!

Gledwood said...

Mousie: yes thank you Much Better!!!

Liz said...

You have the most delightful way of describing things, Gleds. especially at the start of your post.

I like the way you write your blog and part of me says that would be the attraction of a book written in similar style. But the other bit of me says, no, it must be written properly! I don't think a book, which is in longer chunks, would be so easy to read like this.

Gledwood said...

well Liz I was GOING to try and write the book as if it were a blog, ie addressing the reader "you" etc...

it wouldn't be possible to write in really small chunks as it's all one flowing story... the question i have all the time is what to leave in.. know what i mean...??

i just hope it DOES come out all right as i sometimes feel when I've explained HERE what I've written THERE the HERE version is BETTER than the THERE version that I spent FAR FAR more time on!!

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

that was just this eejut computer pasting up my comment twice!

Liz said...

Leave it all in and edit it out later. Easier than trying to include more later.

I think you can still use 'You' but need to be a bit less leapy-aroundy in a book.

I broke my glasses tonight - lost an arm - and now they're at a tilt across my face.

Gledwood said...

oh don't worry about it: I look like a human percentage sign unless I purposefully "correct" my glasses' skewed fit on my face ...

I agree with the point "leave it in" it's much easier than conjuring up something that's not there if you find you need it!

Actually I don't know whether I will really need to use "you" very much at all... I can infer it by the tone without actually using the word, if you know what I mean ...

Wayward Son said...

Leave it to Baron Archer to be an exception. Most likely he has a staff as large, if not larger, than any that might be provided by a publishing house. The writers I spoke of were giving a nod to their humanity in the absence of just such a staff.

gledwood said...

ha-haar!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood