HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Cats Drinking Butterwheel Whitney Stop

I WENT BLOGHOPPING EARLIER... through so many cats blogs you wouldn't believe that number of cybermews exist even..!


I HAVE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH. I know I have. Every day I drink drink drink (usually I only buy one can at a time so imagine how tired the local shop gets of my face)... It's only when I come to empty the bin that I realize just how many of these empty half litre cans have piled up over maybe three days... enough to fill the entire bin up (along with newspapers etc. I've given up recycling I used to do it SO conscienciously yet I noticed people were just chucking the entire recycle box INTO the giant wheely-bins ... #1: WHY? What harm are my newspapers doing them.... Without being "racist" that attitude IS typical of all the foreign landlord types I've had over the years. They're the type of people who would pour mercury into a river if it saved them $50 safe disposal fee. I think that attitude stinks but as I say I've just given up on trying to save paper for now also I don't tend to tidy up until things near crisis-point and so sorting the trash is just an unwanted obstacle to getting "clean" (so to speak).

Hey does no-one like Whitney? I used to LOATHE the woman's music when it first came out in the 80s. Especially the fact that... weren't her first TWO albums both called "Whitney Houston" - what genuis came up with that idea? Makes it near-impossible to put one on order. Duh. Anyway as I said earlier I found her remixes they are pretty good and the stuff she put out AFTER the Greatest Love/I Will Always Love You phase is GOOD.

My hamsters did get very excited by the buttery wheel... one big reason being they took to EATING the butter haha! Yesterday I saw two of them drinking the water at the same time they looked so funny like baby cows drinking mothers milk... or something...

Hang on what was I actually going to SAY? Well that has gone to the four winds... Better go and do something more "constructive" with my posh gel ink carbon black pens collection. (You want to see the state of the notebook it's literally falling apart at the seams (thanks to my repeated cyder-spills) ... looks more like a 12th century parish register that's been buried since 1777... Oh well beggars can't be chosers maybe one day a university will want to put it in a controlled atmosphere under dim lights so phd students can read the original MS to the top-selling memoirs of all time (won't be my MS then; hahar!!)


Pet's are 4 Life said...

Thanks for visitings us!!!
We don'ts know bout musics..cause we preferes meowlings and howlings.


Starbuck and Torrey said...

A buttery wheel for hamsters... I'm going to have to try that with my cats (have to find a big wheel first) =)

Thanks for visiting! Your blog made me laugh... I know just what you mean by the recycling bin going into the general trash. Irritating.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds. I like Whitney music.. Specially My Love is your love..
I still recycle but sometime wonder why I do.

M- Filer said...

All of her remixes are good, like Madonna's music, I always like the remixes better. Not that I am comparing the two of course , no one beats the queen.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi there Gleds, looks like I have lots to catch up with as to what's been going on in your life - please take better care of yourself, you were trying so hard the last time I visited ... I bet you stopped drinking tea huh?

btw, did your Roborovski's make you a venerable grandad yet?

IVY said...

wow..i had no idea you even touched alcohol or booze. i want a fucking clear list of what you do every day, what drugs you take.. if i get this right, you are taking methadone every day, shooting up, drinking on top of this... or is your writing just fast forwarding and then rewinding ect?

I left this comment on your comment reply. wow that sounds like gibberish, lol.I mean that i left this in response to your analysis of my last short story.. i finally feel confident that i know where to begin fixing it. for some reason james advice perplexed me and just made me feel self conscious... telling somebody their piece is too"celebration of a 15 year old girl'' makes somebody feel a bit tied down at the hip.

" gled- yes, that idea of bringing in physical appearance does occur to me although i guess i shied away from it.. but it is definitely missing from the piece. i think after spending some time away from it and not re-reading it at all i know what is wrong with it. yes so much is missing.. that is the problem. reading your suggestions i finally understand what you were saying.

9/15/07 10:51 PM
IVY said...

and yes, dialogue would help.

9/15/07 10:51 PM

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds, not a Whitney fan, not a Mariah fan, don't mind Madonna's later stuff. I heard Amy Winehouse for the first time last night...what a talent there, pity she's got into the drugs.

My youngest granddaughter likes Rhianna, I think her songs are boring but there again, I'm no longer a teenager...haven't been for some time actually.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Well you have been busy, buttering wheels, trying to write memoirs, drinking too much and with the drugs it is a wonder you can think straight enough to post, and add the videos. I like Whitney, did you see the film "Bodyguard" with her and Kevin Costner. It was great and she sang "I will always love you" and other songs in it. I tried out the play blogger com and it looks great except I don't have a lot oof time.
Look after yourself my friend,
Best wishes, Merle.

CalistaWasHere said...

I ask you again;
can I talk you out of your addiction?
Is there any chance to drop it and live differently?


Kvatch said...

80% average. Hmmm...seems to me it's rigged. ;-)

RAFFI said...

the whitney era which you are referring to is her bobby brown abusing, crazy cracked-out, prada toting, far from church choir girl whitney. i agree, it's great stuff.

LittleJen said...

Hey Gleds,

I like Whitney, I actually went to her concert back in the 80's and she got laringisits and was a chance it might have got cancelled. Luckily she got over it in time.

Gledwood said...

Pets4: definite howling preference... my old black devil cat once ate an innocent white dove... what symbolism!

Starbuck: cat's will never run on a wheel. They will never do anything you plan for them. Unless you have them believe (like a 3 yr old child) that you do NOT want them to do it...

Jeanette: yeah I'm with you on the recycling... I used to be SO consciencious... EVERY till receipt etc... & yet I wonder why now too... how odd?!?

Gledwood said...

MFiler: Only one queen. Whitney. Of course!!

Bimbimbie: The tea went by the wayside.. but I've continued with lemonade-drinking... sad to say Baby Itchy may WELL be a female so NO babies on the horizon... unless I got the "holes" wrong yet again!!

Ivy: glad you did get it... my comment was so mixed up... I guess I was trying to say bring in the focus closer and sharper... does that make sense?

Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Rhianna I don't even know.... I love songbirds with strong pure voices... Madonna I admire more for her strength/ambition than the actual singing but her choice of TUnes is good I would say... Whitney I think has 24ct vocal chords like Barbra S... not many singers do they'd do better as secretaries at exhaust changing garages/etc...

Merle: Whitney WAS a GOOD actress wasn't she... like a black Barbra Streisand almost though I'd say her acting was actually better than Barbra's ... hmmm I get your point no wonder I'm confused 1/2 the time...

Calistawashere: no you cannot talk anyone out of addiction otherwise addiction would not have the intense hold it does have on the addicted. All you can do is be there and watch and eventually most people do snap out of it so I'm told...

Gledwood said...

Kvatch: wow you're a treefrog!

Raffi: yeah right on!!

Littlejen: did she still sound OK though? I would go to a Whitney concert but ONLY if I got seats near enough to see her WITHOUT opera glasses... I mean £1000 seats... (why go to a gig to see someone on glorified television?!?)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood