I USED TO HAVE A FRIEND CALLED CHARLOTTE who was a real woman (far as I know or else she just bought tampons for show) and wore bright red hotpants nearly all the time. Filling out a graduate job application which required one to specify:
Sex: male, female or "other"
she appeared tipsy and cackling her head off the following evening, telling us all she had ticked the "other" box! (Good on her. Serves them right for putting it there!)
Strangely, however, she was never called in for interview...
Now I'm having my doubts about poor Baby Itchy. After more hapless rambling atop a CD case (Sarah Vaughan sqeaked so shrilly on opening that Itchy went into a kind of fight-flight-playdead shock and appeared utterly paralysed for a minute before making a jump for freedom on the carpet.)
Well I am now totally confused, I don't know about Itchy. Whether it is a he/she only time and babies will tell I'm afraid ... very confusing indeed....
OH WHAT A DRAB LIFE IT IS BEING A CAT!
There's an incredibly bushy tabby on the next road from me. Who not only rather unhelpfully (for their owners) sits on the front step telling burglars of the world "my house is empty!" (aparently where I live has the highest break-in rate for miles around... we've only got "done" once though my room was such a pigsty at the time I wouldn't know wether anyone had rifled it. I certainly had nothing worth nicking and so nothing went...)
Anyway this poor cat sits there all day long waiting forlornly for its owners to return. And if it thinks you may be someone who will come out with a saucer of milk, or if you smell of rodents (not that I do, ahem) it pirouettes round miaowing. And I started miaowing back and we took up a duet and several black girls with fancy nails looked at me as if I was a lunatic...
I WAS SWEATING SO SEVERELY THIS AFTERNOON I was more than damp... practically soggy from head to foot. I felt like a human amphibian. Took off clothes. Entire body was running like a melting glacier. Took some heroin. That stopped it. I don't know why, but opiate withdrawal causes sweating but also taking methadone makes it happen too. This is frightfully inconvenient as Ruth would believe I talk. (She was most shocked to discover I have actually 50% Worzel Gummidge turnip blood! Said she still believes to this day that I hail from an ancient aristocratic lineage. But my housemaster at Eaton told me never to admit this to any common people as they would come and break my windows. And our ancestral home has a lot of windows!
I WANTED to buy an icecream from this cybercaff but was too shy. You know when you gaze into the freezer. And when you're as fussy as me. And they have just plain flavour Cornettos and something else you don't want and no tropical fruit flavour Soleros... I've never been the type to compromise out of the politeness of being stared at in a capitalist "buy my wares or stop examining them!" fashion. I don't know why I'm telling you this.... aoh! Except I had a real scandalous experience with the local halal frankfurters. Those labelled "beef" varied so much in actual beef content... some being as low as 9% of that meat and mostly chicken. (One variety were 25% beef, 25% chicken (but labelled "beef"... what the rest of the bulk constituted I shudder to imagine. Probably dead farm animal's eyelashes and toenails picked out of the plughole after they swoosh down the corpses... Well that's what "mechanically reconstituted" meat's supposed to be made of... Ukk!
Eventually I found some 79% beef, the rest soya protein. I know frankfurters are traditionally pork but it says in the Bible you should not eat pork. And pigs are disgusting. When I was in India they had a thing called the "pig toilet"... and these pigs ate my amoebic diarrhoea. (I'm tempted to exaggerage and say they also licked you clean because Indians don't use toilet paper but you had to use a carefully aimed jug of water to perform that function.) Well whatever, nothing is going to have me eating a dead whiskery, grunting swine. Ugh!
Can I ask you a question because there are never cooking instructions on these things. Do you need to cook frankfurters? Or are they "ready to eat hot or cold" type of things? I honestly have no idea I've just been boiling them up as much as I can then dropping into baked beans and hoping for the best...
Well I've totally lost my thread so I'd better go. Got to get back: I'm spring cleaning. I mean Autumn cleaning.
The abscess is going down btw... I'd had it for days and days when I finally realized what it was (I mean, I noticed it hurt but thought it was just a "lump" (that happened to be bright red. Yes I know I can be quite thick. No wonder I have been feeling ill and sleeping over 12 hours a day!
Right better go!!
Mika: Relax, Take it Easy
Then 4 versions of "Somewhere"!
1. Il Divo ft Leona for Simon Cowell's "This is Your Life" episode.
2. Pet Shop Boys
3. Barbra Streisand
4. original clip from movie: West Side Story
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