HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Drugs Hell Literary Hell

I AM HAVING TROUBLES WITH THIS autobiog' of mine - my drugs hell memoirs are starting to create hell of their own.
1. I feel desperately uninspired
2. I would say "I don't know where to start" except I do. (Basically with a rewrite of my From Depressed Acorns Miserable Oak Trees Grow post.)

What I'm 3. worried about most is how to turn this tawdry story of mine into a full length book ie at least 150 pages (bare minimum) at 400 words to the page = 60,000 words... 200 pages 80,000 words would be better.

What separates writers from wannabe writers is one simple characteristic: the ability, having planned and envisioned your work actually to put it down on paper no matter what your personal feelings of the moment would rather you do. I do speak from experience. When I wrote before I forced the writing out of me... if you wait for "inspiration" to strike, chances are it'll never get done. Trust me.

Baby Itchy Roborovski seems to be proper perturbed by Satchmo's trumpeteering... he just done a massive ping off my arm and into a toilet roll tube I had thoughtfully provided (what would the domesticated hamster population of the world do without cardboard toilet tubes?? They'd be utterly confounded.)

Yeah so as I was saying about books it's all down to me which makes things doubly depressing... would you want me in charge of YOUR life??

Just as with any job you do you just gotta show up and do it however discoraged you feel. And tell yourself what a feast the book buyers of the world will be missing if this never gets scrawled down.

I suppose....

Clips:

Nina Simone: For All We Know
Sinead O'Connor: Rebel Song Live
Sinead: I'm No Man's Woman

If you click on the last two simultaneously, watch No Man's Woman to the Soundtrack of Rebel Song... perfection (try it; you'll see what I mean!)


***

The Saturday Play
Our Man in Jamaica, by Marcy Kahan, set in Jamaica in 1962. Noel Coward's neighbour Ian Fleming is determined that Noel should resume his wartime activity as a spy.


Click for BBC Radio 4's Listen Again and select the above for a fantastic glamour romp through 1950s Carribbean with Noel Coward in the company of Marlene Dietrich, Ian Fleming and Jamaica's very own Doctor Evil!

While you're there, why not select Just a Minute: the legendary panel game where a topic must be discussed for a mere sixty seconds with strictly no hesitation, deviation or repetition!

21 comments:

jim dandy said...

You seem to have no trouble blurting your thoughts out here, perhaps if you wrote your book as if it were a blog diary. Set up a private blog that only you could access, then just go there everyday, write the first things that come to mind, and don't look back. Edit when you are finished. Just a thought. I do my best writing first thing in the morning before my brain knows what's happening and never know what I'm saying until I'm done.
Oops, I did it again.Cheers!

gledwood said...

Note to Self Mostly: Recommend this play on BBC Listen Again... The Saturday Play
Our Man in Jamaica, by Marcy Kahan, set in Jamaica in 1962. Noel Coward's neighbour Ian Fleming is determined that Noel should resume his wartime activity as a spy.

gledwood said...

Jim Dandy: Are you one of the people who's blog I hopped into out of Kahshe's the other day? If so... well I found some really good stuff then... In answer to your point about my blog... yeah but when I've printed little bits out into cold type - MAN! - how scrappy the writing is... it's like having an operatic voice and using it to hum in the bath... harldy fulfilling my potential - if I DO say so myself!! Seriously though I just tap things out here, barely read any of it back... I know there are some rather good bits but I know I'm capable of so much more... Strange what you say about the private blog... I was actually minded to do someting of that ilk myself... How very odd!

Your first thing in the morning point is rather interesting tho I shall bare that in mind... maybe I can squeeze this thing out of me like a long overdue constipation log SOON AT LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LAST!!

Deb said...

wow, that Rebel Song really gave me shivers...I love it. I think it'll be one of those "stuck in my head" songs.

I think Jim Dandy has a great idea....just "jot" it and then put the bits and pieces together. That way it's not so overwheming.

Lucy said...

What separates writers from wannabe writers is one simple characteristic: the ability...to put it down on paper no matter what... I do speak from experience. When I wrote before I forced the writing out of me... if you wait for "inspiration" to strike, chances are it'll never get done...

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Stephen talks about it in his book with regards to muses.

Two things I can offer up:

1.) Grab a copy of Stephen King's, On Writing. It's a great novel that profiles how he manages to churn out the page lengths he does. It offers a little bit of his bio/history. And he gives specifics on how he tackles writing. (Granted, criticism against the book is mainly on how his method isn't universally conducive to everyone else writes. But there will always be critics, right. I know this from experience, being a standup comedienne.)

(You can get a copy from the local library if you don't feel like buying it, as well as the audio tapes/Cds if you don't have time to read it.)

He recommends writing 2000 words a day, and never take more than a day's break. Tough, tough standards he adhere's to.

2.) Have you thought about entering the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) contest? I do believe it starts in November which will give you plenty of time to "outline" your novel and then let 'er rip when the contest begins. Great motivator, no?

gledwood said...

Debs: I was trying to break everything into sections that can be about 2000 words/5 pages (as eventually printed) each ... thankfully what I begin with is my childhood... I'm going to point out that 1972 was another era with 3 channels on black and white television (well that's all we had)... 5 years since Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon... no microwaves, freezers etc in anyone's homes who my parents knew... no video recorders... different world... I thought that would at least make a fairly "arresting" opening... I want to point out that I feel more in common with the older generation than the younger one who feel BORN into a world of downloads etc (I got confused by DVDs in the record shop... as I posted the other day... seriously I thought they were film soundtracks... only so MANY of them... I feel like such an old codger!)

Rebel Song.. I always used to think it was called Englishman... what I like about Sinead O'Connor's stuff is the tension between expressing inner agony... and the outward form and beauty of her music, which often has a lullaby quality so beautifully let out by her distinctive voice

gledwood said...

Lucy: Do you know what Stephen King's On Writing... there was a copy in my local bookshop... which looked so fascinating as I blandly and distantly perused it... did NOT buy it.. now that entire branch has shut down! Such is life.... I must find an independent bookseller now from whom to order it... (don't have credit cards etc to use internet for buying books unfortunately)!

I can almost guarantee our local library will NOT have a copy anywhere in the borough... a real pet gripe of mine against our public libraries is that they stock themselves up with Sharon Osborne's autobiography and books by "celebs" who've done even less than her in their 21 years of life... and yet no life of Elizabeth I AT ALL when I wanted it!! Seriously...

The 2000 words a day is a v good idea that's what I aimed at (and did actually manage on average) last time I wrote...

This isn't a novel though... it's autobiographical... which I had MANY reservations about... until someone pointed out to me that is the vogue ... and of course requires NO RESEARCH... whahey!!

Thanks for the tips I'm definitely getting the Stephen King book... his little intros to other books when he ends up chatting about being a writer have always been fascinating.

Standup comedienne... that must have been SCARY!!

gledwood said...

Hey I was (nearly) right about the moon landing...

Apollo 11 moon landing mission on July 20, 1969. On this famous "giant leap for mankind", Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin descended to the lunar surface ("The Eagle has landed") and spent 67 hours exploring while Michael Collins orbited above.

That means man had first walked on the moon about 2 years and 9 months before my birth...

Mousie/Paisible said...

all that music is beautiful and powerful...great...thank you ...everytime i visit you i notice changes in your blog, so many changes since i know you...come on dear one, that so nice...and take your time about your book, it will come, slowly but it will...i'm already saving the money to buy it !

Gledwood said...

Mousie: I got bored of the "no video screens" rule... though I still don't put them in posts, just links to them on my other blogs... I hope the publishers would give me lots of promotional copies... but knowing how stingy they can be perhaps not!

Audrey said...

No pressure Gleds but my order is in for your book, keep going, the private blog seems like a good idea, almost like a confirmation of something you'd considered yourself, maybe the way...

'Like having an operatic voice and using it to hum in the bath' Wonderful!!!

You have a real gift with words.

Finally managed to do my random 8, thanks for tagging me...it was fun

Great choice of music, keep it coming :)

Gledwood said...

AUDS: I repleid to your comment... but lost where was it I made that opera singer in the bath metaphor/thing? I've been looking for it all over to see what I actually said but cannot FIND it!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

You are certainly right about the writing.

What I produce is more or less readable, and tending to jog readers' memories--but behind the technique is a nervous guy at the edge of breakdown.
Discipline, I suppose.

Ivan

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I am not sure what to say. You have blasted the pages with so much it is like watching a movie in fast forward and you need to breathe before you can take it all in.

I think that is my first bit of advice, if I may offer it, breathe. Then perhaps section the book off in layers. Once that is done, see what you can take out that might fit elsewhere (i.e. another chapter)then edit again.

Writing is the easy part.. it is being objective when one goes through it again that is the hard part. I think everyone thinks that what they write sounds good or doe not need improvement. Try reading it outloud or in a recorder and then playing back to yourself, or if you do not have a recorder ask someone to read it to you. Someitmes hearing it read outloud gives you a new perspective.

I wish you good luck.

Audrey said...

'it's like having an operatic voice and using it to hum in the bath... harldy fulfilling my potential'

Sorry Gleds I was quoting from your comment to JD. It really struck me and I agreed with it, very powerful metaphor!!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Just keep writing, Gleds! Do some every day and worry about getting it into book form later. I'll have a look for the play.

gledwood said...

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO REPLY TO THESE FOLKS. THAT IS BECAUSE I AM CRAP

Ivan:
hmmm i think you put it right there... & btw why are writers such neurotixx??

Inside: o yeah the dreaded rereading... you are right about the kind of fastforward thing bc i barely EVER read back anything i post i just press return and off it goes... i only ever edit if the prose is so dreadful it simply has to be done... otherwise things just stay as they are... when i've been writing "properly" i tend to do this "rhythm" thing... that is about capturing the rhythm not just of common speech but of dramatic English as spoken by the great orators and Shakespearean actors/ &c of our time...

gledwood said...

Audrey: yes i will try to keep my hands on that metaphor because it is quite timely & appropriate for me!!

Welshcakes: yeah that is what i have to do... at the moment i'm writing notes... only themed by the paragraph and into a BOUND VOLUME so i cannot LOSE ANY!!

IVY said...

maybe because it seems too formal..but damn i can understand having trouble. just start at the most confusing place and work out from there...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood