HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Please Don't Hate Me

IS EVERYONE GOING TO HATE ME NOW BECAUSE I KICKED OFF MY LAST POST WITH TALK ABOUT DRUGS? I went bloghopping earlier and found myself at some pretty good sites by people with names like Teacher Bee and her friends... Now I bet they will hate me. Remember that guy called Path whose blog I enthusiastically commented on bc it was brimming with funky snapshots of Berlin? And who came by here leaving a snidey comment about my "boring dope stories" ... well I am an addict. And I have consciously cut down the drugtalk in recent weeks in preparation for my eventual leaving of all that nasty scene behind. But I gotta mention them sometime; specially times like today when I find them lying free on the pavement!

When I saw that psychiatrist last time I said to him I was thinking of nominating a day and just stopping from there (I do have methadone already, remember. I'm just useless at sticking it just that. Methadone should not leave you feeling at all sick. You should feel perfectly straightened out and normal on it. If you are sweating conkers or shivering or having constant hot flushes on methadone days then the dose is not high enough. This is borderline the case with me; but I don't want them upping it evermore. I'll end up drinking a fishtank full every day... Anyway this psychiatrist said quitting on a nominated day and just stopping forever from that date was a bad idea as you've been taking this stuff practically daily for donkeys' years on end... and also that is putting too much pressure on yourself over one single day. Select many single days and just do not use on all of them... That was his philosophy. He seemed to believe NA put undue pressure on addicts over the fact that using alcohol or any drug at all is considered "using" by that fellowship... I do get his point. I've known one person in particular who "relapsed" by taking sleeping pills... believed all the good work he'd put in over the predeeding two years to have been scrapped and was back on heroin and crack within a week... THAT is what I consider a dangerous state of mine. Addiction is a single condition and you're an addict no matter what drugs you take. That does NOT make all drugs the same! One thing I noticed in NA: a lot of people in there seemed to have lost sight of that particular fact. Having said that, NA is a brilliant place that does work for those who "keep coming back and work it". I've seen THAT fact with my own eyes. So don't think I'm doing them down because I'm not.

Tonight's the night I go back to my memoirs... I have a LOT more of this chapter one or two (depending whether I break the story up there)... the entire history of my childhood. All I've said so far is that basically I was born into a different age! With 3 channels on black and white television, no video recorders, no freezers in our house, no microwaves and that when I was very little I went hiking with my parents through a disused railway tunnel and saw for myself the meaning of "light at the end of the tunnel"... an experience that would come back to me with greater meaning in the light (or dark) of my subsequent addiction to this heroin ...

... And I'll tell you something else: I think I just told you in a paragraph a message that took eight hundred words and several hours of scribbling to word not as well! Maybe I'll scrap it all and just quote the above.

Maybe.

When I have something even half finished by way of introductory chapter(s) as I said, I shall post it here for yous. Only thing is I won't be able to post the entire book because, legally speaking, that would mean I had already self-published and might compromise the situation re agents/publishers. The fact that only about 60 people a day visit here would be neither here nor there if they decided I'd somehow "breached" my own copyright. You know what lawyers are like.

Before I go I will mention that - wow! - I actually saw Yangyang the Chinese hamster venturing out of his nest today. Now that is a turnup for the proverbial "books" ... He is the shyest, most retiring hamster I have ever come across. I think he has hamster depression, though I'm not sure why. His millet spray was barely touched though the Robos have demolished both of theirs... If I were American I'd take him to the vet's to get hammy-sized Prozac...

Must go and get scribbling. Wish me luck!

29 comments:

M- Filer said...

Here's wishing you all the luck in the world.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Don't stop sharing about your drug dependence. Just don't surrender totally to it. We're here to cheer you on. We want you to succeed in kicking drugs because there is more to enjoy and relish in life.

And so we look forward to hearing you progress along that journey. However, when you take a step backward, it's not the end of the world. Just try to take two steps forward the next time. I appreciate that you are honest about your feelings and experiences.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hey, it's your blog, Gleds, you can write about whatever you like. If there are boring people who don't like reading what you write, they can just naff off without reading anything...it's that simple. But, of course, some people are too stupid to do that and can't resist moaning and criticising.

Anyway, that psychiatrist seems to have the right idea...quitting cold turkey is not good for your system (not that the drugs are, either), but gradually weaning off them, as in his suggestion, is at least a start.

Hang in there, Gleds, it'll happen for you one day...and I want to hear about it when it does.

Cheers and have a good week.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Robyn is right - you write what you want. We want to know how you are going and wishing you the very best. I enjoyed seeing Kylie -as
she is not a favourite of mine, but the video was good and Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. is a really good song. As for where you place the videos, again, where you want them!!
People who want to see them will go to where they are. Whichever is easiest. Keep up the good work.
Kind regards, Merle.

jim dandy said...

Hey, thanks for the Nick Cave. It reminded me of a good friend of mine and I sent her the link to your blog.
She is very cool and I think would enjoy every thing you have to say.
Good luck with your scribbling. Keep your energy up.
Can't have scribblies with out some nibblies.

jim dandy said...

I posted my last comment before seeing the Big Girl video so I have to add on that It Was Awesome.
What fun, I hope it is empowering to big girls everywhere.
I have never heard of Mika (or many of the artists you feature) Is it a Brit thing? Anyway, I am here to learn. Thanx again.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds I agree with others its your blog, If others dont like what you write let them go else were.

Gledwood said...

MFiler: thanxx!

LoneGrey: thing is i've almost run out of things to say about that it is boring even me now!

Puss-in-Boots: I think you're right... i didn't mean totally cold turkey tho i meant just going with a jolt from heroin/methadone to just methadone... i suppose that isn't the best idea either

Gledwood said...

Merle: that is a good point... i sometimes stop thinking it is my blog and think it is just for other people. i suppose

Jim D: good I hope she does like it... i had never seen that big girl vid before today, in fact i had heard of mika but knew nothing about the guy he is better than lily allen i think.. doesn't sware for one thing

Jeanette: i agree with you NOW, but i used to think it was not my blog it was only for other people

where i got that idea from i do not know...

IVY said...

"One thing I noticed in NA: a lot of people in there seemed to have lost sight of that particular fact. Having said that, NA is a brilliant place that does work for those who "keep coming back and work it". I've seen THAT fact with my own eyes"
I feel like this undermines the delicacy of your own insights about the problems with NA.

IVY said...

ps. i think that we are taking different methadone!!

Gledwood said...

well what i mean is IF you can stick with their programme and do it by the rules i've seen na DOES work for lots of people...

having said that people there get this overenthusiasm thing a lot of the time and often seem to possess the opinion that NA is the ONLY way to get clean... NOT SO

also i was being diplomatic as i know at least 2 or 3 people who go to na read this blog

re the methadone we most certainly are... mine is 1mg in 1ml ... i bet yours is 10mg in 1ml ... ie i have to drink a bottle full a day i bet yours fits into a large capful??? am i right???

Gledwood said...

Jim: sorry i missed the last bit of your query... about the music.

well yeah i suppose they are british

what do i mean i suppose they ARE

the papers keep saying Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse and Mika have "cracked America" ... I take it this is NOT really true then?

Kylie Minogue is a megastar of the pop world... the only country she is NOT widely known in is America!

The British equivalent to her would be Robbie Williams... Americans always assume one's talking about Robin Williams... absolutely no connexion he is probably the topselling act in the world not to be famous in the USA...

the other stuff... i spose some of it is just a bit quirky that would be why you don't know it

jim dandy said...

Amy Winehouse is very familiar, I hear her music on radio and tv shows. I didn't even know she was English until this morning when I heard her talking in an interview. Kylie's name is very familiar, but I don't really have exposure to pop or club music. That is why I need you to train me. haha. Most Brit pop icon names I am familiar with come from Ab Fab addiction. Such as Lulu. I know her name from Ab Fab but that is all.
Remember, I currently live in Maine. Not quite the club music part of the country. hehe. I moved here from key west tho, and I dream of partying in Ibiza.
cheers!

CG said...

your blog is yours; write what you want! Good luck! Thanks for visiting my blog and your thoughtful comments; really appreciated!

IVY said...

I'm not sure.. i have the pink stuff.. do you?

meeyauw said...

do you have email?

AintNeverScared said...

Gled, You MUST listen to me and believe. I may not be rich or famous yet, but I AM an actual professional editor and writer! Dammit.

Your writing is spot-on. The better you are, the more controversy you will draw, the more you will inspire feeling in readers. Sometimes the feelings will not be good. But it means they are thinking about what you write and reacting; that my friend is the sign of a great story.

Write what you want to write. I am a recovering (sometimes) addict as well. If I have a hard time or a bad day, shit, I'll post a whole page about drugs. My feeling is, read it or don't. Free country.

Wayward Son said...

For me, establishing my own rules about quitting and adapting them when I felt it in the best interest of my recovery, worked... or is working. Something i said in my group once seems to resonate with many—it was in reference to how getting clean was not enough and how the other half of the equation was just as daunting. I said i felt as if I had dug myself out of a hole only to find myself at the foot of a very huge mountain. And I think it is like that. But for whatever you decide to give up and for whenever you decide to do it, it happens one day at a time. In fact, i have found that all of life happens one day at a time. Who knew?

I think when you have had your fill you will find a way. Whenever that is, I know that you can do it.

gledwood said...

ooo let me come back to this in a sec... v involved for Monday afternoon!!

Gledwood said...

Jim: ah, but if they're famous in America they gotta be famous in Maine... & Steven King lives there!

: thank you!

Ivy: oh no ours is GREEN all the time... or so I've been told but never seen ... yellow...

Gledwood said...

Ivy: it is nearly ALWAYS green and 1mg/1ml... VERY occasionally you can get 10mg in 1mg but I seriously doublt they would ever let you walk out of the pharmacy with that in your hand... it would be too "injectable"... what hypocrisy! because they also provide ampules of 50mg in 1ml FOR injecting... these are hardly ever available on the national health though you gotta go private to get them and I hear they corrode the veins even MORE than citricated brown heroin

Meeyaw: yes I do

Gledwood said...

Meeyaw: it is

hammynutter@lycos.com!

Gledwood said...

Aintneverscared: so sorry I got these comments the other day and somehow omitted to answer them... you really think it is spot-on? Good I only hope I can keep that spot-on-ness through the handwritten drafts and computer typed out version to the final book!

Good point: I see what you mean. Someone who never offends is pretty much not worth reading, yes

Gledwood said...

Wayward: are you talking about the difference between "merely" cleaning up and fully "recovering" ... ie recovery being the mountain?

jim dandy said...

I live about 20 minutes from Stephen King. I ran into him shopping at Borders book store and talked to him once. (We were both browsing the monster magazine section)

Gledwood said...

wow!

Is Stephen King all right now? I heard he got really badly smashed up in an accident... then held hostage by Kathy Bates... hang on am I confusing him with James Caan..??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood