IS EVERYONE GOING TO HATE ME NOW BECAUSE I KICKED OFF MY LAST POST WITH TALK ABOUT DRUGS? I went bloghopping earlier and found myself at some pretty good sites by people with names like Teacher Bee and her friends... Now I bet they will hate me. Remember that guy called Path whose blog I enthusiastically commented on bc it was brimming with funky snapshots of Berlin? And who came by here leaving a snidey comment about my "boring dope stories" ... well I am an addict. And I have consciously cut down the drugtalk in recent weeks in preparation for my eventual leaving of all that nasty scene behind. But I gotta mention them sometime; specially times like today when I find them lying free on the pavement!
When I saw that psychiatrist last time I said to him I was thinking of nominating a day and just stopping from there (I do have methadone already, remember. I'm just useless at sticking it just that. Methadone should not leave you feeling at all sick. You should feel perfectly straightened out and normal on it. If you are sweating conkers or shivering or having constant hot flushes on methadone days then the dose is not high enough. This is borderline the case with me; but I don't want them upping it evermore. I'll end up drinking a fishtank full every day... Anyway this psychiatrist said quitting on a nominated day and just stopping forever from that date was a bad idea as you've been taking this stuff practically daily for donkeys' years on end... and also that is putting too much pressure on yourself over one single day. Select many single days and just do not use on all of them... That was his philosophy. He seemed to believe NA put undue pressure on addicts over the fact that using alcohol or any drug at all is considered "using" by that fellowship... I do get his point. I've known one person in particular who "relapsed" by taking sleeping pills... believed all the good work he'd put in over the predeeding two years to have been scrapped and was back on heroin and crack within a week... THAT is what I consider a dangerous state of mine. Addiction is a single condition and you're an addict no matter what drugs you take. That does NOT make all drugs the same! One thing I noticed in NA: a lot of people in there seemed to have lost sight of that particular fact. Having said that, NA is a brilliant place that does work for those who "keep coming back and work it". I've seen THAT fact with my own eyes. So don't think I'm doing them down because I'm not.
Tonight's the night I go back to my memoirs... I have a LOT more of this chapter one or two (depending whether I break the story up there)... the entire history of my childhood. All I've said so far is that basically I was born into a different age! With 3 channels on black and white television, no video recorders, no freezers in our house, no microwaves and that when I was very little I went hiking with my parents through a disused railway tunnel and saw for myself the meaning of "light at the end of the tunnel"... an experience that would come back to me with greater meaning in the light (or dark) of my subsequent addiction to this heroin ...
... And I'll tell you something else: I think I just told you in a paragraph a message that took eight hundred words and several hours of scribbling to word not as well! Maybe I'll scrap it all and just quote the above.
When I have something even half finished by way of introductory chapter(s) as I said, I shall post it here for yous. Only thing is I won't be able to post the entire book because, legally speaking, that would mean I had already self-published and might compromise the situation re agents/publishers. The fact that only about 60 people a day visit here would be neither here nor there if they decided I'd somehow "breached" my own copyright. You know what lawyers are like.
Before I go I will mention that - wow! - I actually saw Yangyang the Chinese hamster venturing out of his nest today. Now that is a turnup for the proverbial "books" ... He is the shyest, most retiring hamster I have ever come across. I think he has hamster depression, though I'm not sure why. His millet spray was barely touched though the Robos have demolished both of theirs... If I were American I'd take him to the vet's to get hammy-sized Prozac...
Must go and get scribbling. Wish me luck!
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