HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 24, 2007

So Britney Spears is Going Mental. So is Laundretta...

SO BRITNEY SPEARS IS GOING MENTAL; Laundretta is throwing pitiful weepy tantrums in the hallway; Burmese monks are protesting the country to the brink of collapse... What is the world coming to..?

Poor Laundretta: she is howling such desolation; ranting out lists of Matran's crimes and inattentions. And it struck me suddenly her problem. How she is so exceedingly immature. Because most people realize by age ten or twelve that the World and most of the people in it will not listen, do not care and never will give a damn about how you feel, what you think or your behaviour. Simple fact of life. But Laundretta somehow never learned this so she thinks her 25 year old self can cry drunkenly on the stairs, burbling the injustices piled against her and that somehow someone listening will effect some kind of change in her favour.

Which of course is not going to happen in a million years. How very sad ...

Did you all click my yesterday's post for your free cyber-copies of the News of the World? Britney's bodyguard reveals all in her post-matrimonial breakdown.

As for Myanmar; the BBC refuse to use that word (even though they slavishly follow nearly every other politically correct language convention from around the world... argument being in brief that they do not recognize the sovereignty of the ruling military "junta" (what on earth IS a junta? sounds like something you might wrap in chapatti following a nice chicken tikka dopiaza!) On what authority the BBC make such decisions I would be absolutely fascinated to find out, but hey ...

I've even had hits from Myanmar (not recently though). It's one country in the world, along with Tibet, I've had a permanent fascination to visit...

On this note I must indeed go as fresh pasta and cheeses (not pustules and diseases) bray my name from Sainsbury's...

My roborovskis had a great squabble this morning. Oh! The squeaking was so entertaining. Imagine two dozen rubber ducks being murdered ...

Righty-ho!

***

Video:
Britney Spears "Acting stoned"...


***

BLOG POKE OF THE DAY:

"STRANGE DAYS" http://sianikatt.blogspot.com... Victorian London Vampirism etc ... ooooh!


***

Video II

Eurythmics' Miracle of Love - Japanese Manga Anime video "Saint Seiya"...

18 comments:

M- Filer said...

Well her crying "drunkenly" on the stairs might have something to do with her immaturity. I remember slipping into King-Baby mode quite a bit when I was using; maybe not to THAT extent, but still in a way I could never do now. Thank GOD!

Gledwood said...

VERY immature.

And yet she thinks I AM NAIVE!! haha!!

Mousie/Paisible said...

dear whimsical and quirky Gledwood, i definetely think you are my friend...
all the best from whimsical and quirky Mousie...and proud to be...

Gledwood said...

whimsical and quirky II!

Gledwood said...

hey did you come up with any names for that (female) writer of modern fairytales in French... I think she was Belgian and wrote 2 or 3 books a year (I'm not sure about these facts though)... do you have any ideas?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Poor Laundretta! I do feel for her.
You are quite right about the BBC. I just love your interpretation of the word "junta"! Hope the hammies have calmed down now. Gleds, has it ever occurred to you how much you cheer people like me up? I know you have more than your share of troubles but you are a tonic to others!

Gledwood said...

Laundretta was "sleeping" on the floor right outside my door till I blasted R&B Whitney Houston at her then strangely she vanished! haha!! The hamsters are all right I got paranoid they were fighting seriously as aparently they can bite each other's necks and kill each other...
I am glad I have a tonic effect that is one of the good points about blogging... also I have always had this odd effect of making people laugh without really trying... it is called "bathos" or being a natural comedian... I don't know which word to name it by!

whitenoise said...

hey... ;-)

Kahshe Cottager said...

I'm back to wave and smile for you! It is still a little hectic here as we are trying to tidy up the cottages to get them ready for winter so I haven't be consistent in Blogland of late.

Love hearing about the hammies and imagining their antics. They seem to be providing you with lots of entertainment!

It also sounds as though things continue to be positive with your treatment program. I am here cheering you on, you know!

AintNeverScared said...

Whoa! Previously I had only seen clips of that Britney video. And that was BEFORE she even got married and had babies, did you know that?!

Why does her jaw hurt so bad? A common symptom of Ecstasy, yes.

Deb said...

I'm quite sure that the filmmaker in the Brittney video is Kevin Federline, her ex. Sounds just like him. And it seems that this was done awhile ago, as she was talking of being on tour (and of course he tagged along/freeloader with her on tour).

Calista*Was*Here said...

Oh, I'm so familiar with military "junta".
And 'junta' is not edible fme. Never sounds like edible thing.

Bon appetite, anyway!
:)

Deb said...

*that should've read "freeloadeD"

gledwood said...

whitenoise: ;~>

kahshe: smile and a wave or a nod and a smirk haha!!

aintnever: yes overstimulant drugs make the jaw clench, hurt, ache... and that guy, feather-line or not sounds such an incredible sleazeball. ughkh!!

debs: i saw some of that tour on the home vid reality show they put out. now her security guard, the biggest one was well sceptical of featherline and openly said he did not trust him at first... then featherline even ingratiated himself to me on that film... (or was cut to look nice. whatever: the cutting worked)... now i'm with britney's security: their gutfeelings were definitely right. oh! ughkh!!

calista: i really don't think junta tastes nice either... in fact it's probably like Rotherham Ink-cap mushrooms. or summut...

debs: freeloaded or freebasing?!?

Siani said...

Thanks for the blog poke! Much appreciated. Thought you'd like to know that Strange Days has been updated with a new article.

gledwood said...

OK I'm pinging over for a look presently ...

... wow such viridescent eyes still!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood