HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Sleepy Sickness?! Royalty Ripoff

WHY DO I SLEEP LIKE IT'S A DISEASE? Too long! Too long! From midnight till midday only waking up long enough to light cigarettes and then drop them smouldering back on me... Yes.

I moved my hamsters last night. I don't know why but they took to sitting in a row kissing and washing one another, great fat furballs that they are. I had to keep trying not to laugh at them. Laughter might offend them. This morning I put a lid back on a pen and that was enough to startle one of them back to the nest. Seriously how do they survive in the wild with REAL distractions I cannot imagine... but hey.

Well I didn't write anything yesterday but made up for it today, somehow churning out three entire pages... I can tell you what was holding me back now: the fact that I was writing from heavy notes and constantly feeling the need to check I had included everything etc etc all very neurotic-making. Now the notes have ended and I'm writing off the top of my head which is so much more comfortable. I think I've done 5000 words so - wow! - "only" another 70,000 to go, haha!!

Thanks for all the nice messages from people I didn't know before yesterday... there isn't really any news... oh except I took a look through the tawdry "creative writing" section in my local bookshop (which is WH Smiths - if you know the British high street you will know that WH Smiths is great at selling books by volume and great for popular choices, but if you want something even slightly obscure, chances are they will not stock it. Anyway they had nothing on biography writing. So the volume I gravitated to was called "Writing a Blockbuster"; I turned to the end, the legal contracts bit. And the author would have me believe that for my blockbuster I should accept the following rates for paperback rights:

First 10,000 copies 7.5% of cover price
Thereafter 10% of same.
Export sales (ie Australia etc) 10% of a lower figure cannot remember the terminology.

I was so ANGRY and depressed by this. It happens in the music business as well. That sales in overseas territories accrue you lesser royalties. WHY?? Why should I get less just because a book is bought in India, New Zealand, Tuvalu, South Africa or wherever. British publishers sell books all over the world (a colonial hangover) and I think that settling for less is so unfair.

Then we get to those 7.5%/10% royalty rates. NO!
If you have to sign a contract like that surely the rate should change at 5000 copies and go up to 12.5% after 20,000 and 15% after 30,000 and maybe even higher. That is why I fret about getting a good agent I hate the feeling of being exploited. Ugh! Does anyone actually know about these things who can give me some advice PLEASE!

***

Video:
Sinead O'Connor - Don't Cry for me Argentina
(sorry I could not think of anything else and I've got stuff on the hob at home...)

***

RIGHT: RE THE GREAT VIDEOS DEBATE, BECAUSE there was only one vote in it, the concensus says:
The videos stay as they are now.
Ie. the first day they come out big.
Then they go to the sidebar,
then they go to my other blogs, where they came from.

25 comments:

Ropinator said...

as far as I'm concerned sleeping is cool. My best is 22 hours sleeping.

RAFFI said...

you know da vinci slept in 4 hour intervals three times a day. i force myself to wake up early no matter what unless i'm absolutely dead. i also work-out if that's the case so i ensure good sleep the following night. usually it makes everything better.

Akelamalu said...

Good to hear the writing is going well. When you're sleeping you're healing honey! x

Audrey said...

Well done with the writing Gleds and keep going.
Catching up as Ive not been able to get online for a few days..just loving bloberous sergeant Itchy for your hammys name thats some description :)
Times when I used to sleep for a good 14 hours a day, cant do it now.
Apart from positive changes Im beginning to think its an age thing too.
Your body must need the sleep Gleds otherwise you would find it impossible to sleep for that length of time..listen to your body not should and should nots X Auds

gledwood said...

Ropinator: what did you DO to sleep 22 hours? Wow!! I've never exceeded about 18 flat-out...

Raffi: Margaret Thatcher did the same when she was PM... Look at her now though!!

Akelamalu: good point!

Audrey: age thing.. but that is a teenagers' early 20s thing isn't it... then again I find it FAR easier to do sleep deprivation now than I did then I used to feel it all day... it IS true isn't it that when you get much older (like 70, 80) you need much less sleep... how horrible. If I was that age I'd want to sleep all the time!

Lee said...

There is very little that is logical in this world...and your information about royalties adds to the list!

All the best with your writing, gledwood...keep at it...it's good for the soul...and the pocket if you can beat those royalty thieves! ;)

Gledwood said...

Oh yeah I will definitely beat them if I have any say in the matter whatsover. One thing about me that doesn't show so much I actually do have a v sharp business brain and legal brain - ;~>...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Sorry I haven't been over but I've been fighting with my computer! Well, that "ex" quiz is spot - on re me - or my ex - "histrionic". You had me worried for a mo re the hamsters, bless them! Well done for the amount you are writing!

Gledwood said...

what did i say about the hamsters? no they are fine. the chinese one is hiding and the robos are pinging as per usual... spherical only hides when she thinks i'm about as she's scared of me (i'm not quite sure why as i've never TRIED to scare her except about twice when i realized just how easy it was and could not resist...)
yes hopefully the book really will be finished in 1st draft at least by xmas...
fighting with the computer...?

IVY said...

I hate myself when i sleep too much.. i think it's when you really really cant deal with what needs to be done so you just keep resting up...after all rest is a weapon, right? i dont know.. ive been having really colorful nightmarish dreams but i dont remember them, it's like my conscious mind doesnt wanted to be bothered by all the subconscious crap..that's been happening to me too lately. what is your sign gled

Deb said...

i can't even imagine sleeping past 9...it rarely happens.

I don't know about the royalties thing...I wish I had an address because I could you some books from here. We have some excellent book stores here (cheap too). Lots of books marked down to sell.

I liked the part about you laughing at your hamsters...it's good that you have something that brings you such joy.

Janice said...

Hi Glendwood,

Thank you for posting on my blog about earthsea and yes I have read it, and enjoyed it too.

That's cute about the hampsters, and the reason that they scare so easily is because they are prey and that's how they surve in the wilds of I think Mexico or is it South America? And they come out at night to feed.

I don't know about the publishing business but I intend to find out, because I just wrote a book and I posted part of it on of a blog; http://janice-mymanuscript.blogspot.com/

Good luck with your book,
Janice~aka Lady Jan

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, glad to hear you have been busy with your writing. I agree with you it does seem wrong that royalties are at a lesser percentage on export sales especially when the book is sold to other English speaking countries!

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds,
Pleased to hear your writing is going well,and your hamsters are helping you Laugh.
BTW. "Ute" a Aussie pickup truck. "Smell like leather seats"

gledwood said...

Ivy: I know sleep is a waste of time! (Well too much is)

Debs: yeah I often have to try not to laugh people would think I was mad as I am not meant to have them... our bookshops round here are terrible. In fact the modern all new coffee shop bookstore that opened up about 3 years ago got sold to another chain and promptly closed down bc aparently the locals here don't read (don't speak English more like...)

Janice: hey I will have a look at that later. All I want is a contract (when I DO finish it) that is fair and doesn't cut off at unreasonably low rates. Jeffrey Archer used to get 17.5% on hardbacks. I don't think with paperback there is such room but...
oh yeah hamsters these roborovskis are from Mongolia aparently... normal hamsters get far far tamer I just don't understand why these are so highly strung but they just are like that...

gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I know. In a way beggars can't be chosers but on the other hand if you don't ask for better terms you certainly won't get 'em!
Are you feeling better now?

Jeanette: Leather seats... o I SEEE...
You are always smiling so much in your photos what is your secret??

jim dandy said...

I wish I could sleep more than 7 hours. I sleep 5 hours on an average night, and these last few days I'm lucky to sleep 3.
I have no problem being lazy all day, I just can't sleep. haha
Good luck to you.

Oceanshaman said...

I sleep 6 or 7 hours a night, now that I'm clean and sober . . .

Before that, I slept a lot more, or a lot less, depending on what phase of use I was in at the time . . .

Studies have shown that those who sleep less than 6 hours and more than 8 hours a night have higher death rates than those who sleep about 7 hours a night . . .

Nowadays, I'm a lark . . . up early, down relatively early . . .

I look forward to eventually aligning my sleep with the daylight/nighttime cycle . . . as I do in the wilds when camping . . .

Hang loose, Gleds . . .

gledwood said...

Jim D: As for laziness; I am either extremely it or extraordinarily focused and NOT at all lazy...

Oceanshaman: IF I had any feeling the rest of the world was doing this too, yes I would align myself with the "natural" sleep-wake cycle... as it is I hardly feel it's worthwhile... I mean one of our local news agents doesn't even open till 8AM I mean what use is that when you want your daily fix of The Sun first thing..?

CG said...

I could sleep for Britain now...maybe because I'm depressed?? good luck with the writing and the hamsters sound cute (loved your summing up of WH Smiths!!)

Gledwood said...

CG: Why are you depressed? Cheer up/get well soon!
As for WH Smiths ~ hmmm!

Liz said...

well done on the writing! And the sleeping. I feel as if I could sleep for 48 hours - and judging by the bags under my eyes I should do - but life gets in the way.

Royalties. First of all I don't think many books go into hardback these days, do they? Secondly the figures mentioned seem about right compared to anything I've ever read. It's scandalous but the author gets very little out it. And you need an agent before you get a publisher and you can't get an agent ... I came back from hols determined to re-write my novel. So far - no progress! No change there then.

Spacecake said...

There's no such thing as sleeping too much! :D. I need at least 12 hours of sleep to get around. The thing is, I barely get 5 hours of sleep/night.

Yeah, going to bed before 2 am just isn't an option. That or I just can't seem to get myself to bed earlier, although I've been telling myself for years that I should go to bed earlier.

I'm just a huge procrastinator.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood