HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Long Drug Clinic Appointment

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T POST YESTERDAY: because I was too mentally frazzled after this interminable (is that a real word?) drugs clinic interview. I missed my appointment last week and yet my prescription went on so I didn't HAVE to come back until yesterday and when I did it felt like a year's worth of catching-up was to be done... Filling out forms about self-care, happiness ratings, what food I eat even. She also remarked on how I'd given up my teadrinking non(alcohol)drinking ruse. Though I have taken to diluting lemonade into the cyder which makes it taste less scummy as much as anything. (Stuff I drink comes in 59p cans 500ml 7.5%ABV which is basically the cheapest alcohol you can get in this country on a pennies per mls alcohol basis so...)

I still might get my place in pensioners' sheltered accommodation. I hope I'm allowed hamsters in there, else I will only smuggle them in.

It's quite extraordinary but they are slowly becoming tame. From the early days when they fled for cover if they so much as heard the door opening. Or I dared speak to them. Or go anywhere near them. They now allow me to put my hands in there and might sniff them. Bashful, who is now ill-named keeps trying to bite my fingers if I put them in front. But I can stroke her back which has her trying to turn round in spiral-fashion... I think she considers this to be some sort of hamster grooming by an almighty pink foreign object with probably 10,000 aromas emanating from under the nails. Spherical goes nuts if I try to touch her but is more interested in dashing about in blind panick than actually escaping my touch as sometimes in this fury she actually runs up to and past my evil alien hands. Poor cow.

They were awfully funny the other day when I accidentally dropped a chicken bone on their heads. Instantly they fled to 3 different toilet tubes. Precisely 3 seconds elapsed and the three pink noses emerged in unison from their discreet hiding places. Another three seconds and, none seeing the others' actions so far as I could discern all three decided it was safe to leave said tubes and went about their daily pinging as if nothing untoward had happened....

Then they took to nibbling gristle off the bones - cannabalistic swines that they are! Hamsters DO eat meat. It's just stupid people who cause them problems like the man who took a hamster into Rolf's Animal Hospital (tv programme) with inch long scarily overgrown teeth... poor mite couldn't close its mouth anymore. "What do you feed it on?" asked the vet. And the fat redfaced alcoholic-looking man smirked and said "'E eats full English breakfast just like I do. 'E loves 'is fried eggs and sausages of a morning." How vulgar. Rodents will eat anything (as anyone who's had housemice eat their candles can vouch) but I'm surprised that man's survived at all... Chinese hamsters aparently like LIVE INSECTS and allexperts.com recommended me to buy live locusts for him. (Oh the fun I could have letting them free in the bathroom!!)

I found an hilarious video. It's only a 3-year old boy talking, but he's so funny. I purloined it from Raymi the Minx's blog she said it's her voice talking to him. Have a look it's so funny (click here) if you're reading this after today.

My other video today is Dido - White Flag

And yesterday Gospel Medley

and Diane Sawyer interviewing Whitney, Bobby and their kid. Which is old news really as it came out in 2002...

***

Blog of the day

South American Journey: http://elisega.blogspot.com

Text is in Spanish but the Amazonian tribespeople photos are intriguing...

17 comments:

Elween said...

hi just pop by to see how are you doing. well, the meeting at the drug clinic was great, isn't it? hope you wil do better the next round! take care and God bless. :)

gledwood said...

thanks.
great, though?
tiring, but!

pissed off patricia said...

The Webb amendment said that the soliders of the US should have as much time at home as they spent in the war, before being sent back into the war. If they have been in Iraq 15 months they would have gotten to have 15 months at home before being sent back again.
It was blocked by the Republicans. So while they say they "support the troops" they have shown they do not support the health and welfare of the troops.

Have a lovely weekend and enjoy your furry little friends

gledwood said...

i will

at first i thought you were talking about some sort of internet amendment...

then i noted the capital W, double B

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

I`m in Canada Gled. Maybe they do have veampire bats in America, not sure... but not in Canada thankfully. And I will go and have a look at Ruth`s blog :)

tea
xo

Akelamalu said...

Get back to drinking tea, it's much better for you than cider and lemonade. I didn't realise that hamsters will eat meat but thinking about it I suppose it's logical.

Amazing Gracie said...

Hi, Gledwood!
My parrot loves to eat the little bones from chicken wings. I think what he likes doing is cracking the bones. He picks at the marrow then.
We had hamsters when the kids were little - that whole habitrail thing. Little rascals always managed to escape. I had better luck with a white rat. Loved that little guy! Drove my husband nuts. He hated vermin of all types and wasn't real crazy about the hamsters but tolerated them because of the kids.
I'd rather be with animals than a lot of the people I've met...
I love it when you drop in to visit! It lets me know you're doing okay.
Hope everything works out for you and you get what you want!
~~~Blessings~~~

gledwood said...

Margaritas: duh why did I think you were American?!?

Akelamalu: WHERE does that name come from btw? It made me think you were a native Hawaiian tribeswoman for many weeks... but anyway meat/hamsters. Oh yes, just not too much

Gracie: I've got a Habitrail cage with interior spiral staircase and revolving 3D wheel thing atop... they are NOT well designed and come open far too easily I agree. My Campbells escaped forever and I don't know if I would risk trying to reconstruct it for my robbies I cannot risk them escaping they're so tiny how would I ever get 'em back..?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

The next time I find a locust on the balcony I'll send it over to you, Gleds! Your hamsters do sound funny and I'm glad you're determined to hold on to them. Hope you're having a better day today.

gledwood said...

hold on to them?! i most certainly shall. even if they have to hide in icecream tubs in my new house!

(if ever i GET a new house..!!)

Nicole said...

I really hope you get the other accommodation! You need better living conditions.

gledwood said...

thanks I most certainly do!!

Bimbimbie said...

Fingers crossed for the housing situation - I've put a link to the little mouse you asked about - they are called Antechinus *!*

Calista*Was*Here said...

Long drug clinic appointment sounds awful.

I hope u do good.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie:... I have an appointment coming up with just me and 3 other people from 2 agencies ... so that should hopefully sort SOMETHING out!

Calista... I hope so too... I will try and get back to you but that is a difficult question to answer: what type of comments do I want... just whatever type you wanna give!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood