HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Quick Scrawl...

SEEING AS I HAD bugger all to tell yesterday I'm scrawling today's "piece" on paper. Hey - at least my blog's still going. I know someone who used to have a "250 comments" per post blog who has (temporarily, so he says) given up, saying the blog was draining him too much and besides he's writing a book.

Well that's not something you'll ever hear from me. I'm writing a book and (despite feeling uninspired) tapping out a couple of paragraphs a day only takes ten minutes so count yourselves lucky here. (I suppose.)

A man on the radio last week proclaimed that mastery of a musical instrument (and by extension he said: anything else in life) requries 10,000 hours' practice. Or to put it another way - doing something as a fulltime occupation for 40 hours a week for a full FIVE YEARS. Personall I use the silkworm analogy re my writing. A silkworm must spin out an entire mile of CRAP before any quality thread is consistently produced. So to extend this to my writing: I hope that my years of scrawling utter rubbish in notebooks can equate to this mile and now we're on to the "quality" stuff!

I cannot manage 2000 words a day as advised (yet). I'm still somewhere nearer 500. But at least the writing's moving along. I want a good first draft finished by Christmas. Which I can tidy up enough to have the finished product ready to dazzle my literary agents by my 36th birthday in March.

My Indian palm readers all said I would be a "successful businessman" in my thirties. I'm just hoping such success can come in the business of writing. Then I will be made up.

Jim Dandy says the full moon kept him awake all last night. Well it did the opposite to me. I crashed out late afternoon - surely no later than 5pm - and stayed in bed all night and through the morning until circa 10pm. That's 15 hours even if you do allow two hours' pottering about during the night (which I did nowhere near...)

I need to get another wheel for my robbies as Spherical's gone into hibernation - I fear boredom might be the cause - Bashful's less bashful by the day. And I've renamed my smallest Sergeant Itchy as she comes out to stomp about self-importantly at every smallest sign of disturbance. Just like the trainee robo-police sergeant that she is.

And on this scrawly note I must leave. I've a drugs clinic appointment late this afternoon and if I miss it I'm dead meat so ...

Laters my friends ...

***

Video of the day
Sound Factory (New York) Last Dance... I lifted it from M-filer's blog
... the first tune I like but the 2nd... isn't that depressing... especially when you see the clear midday daylight shinin' through the "underground" haha!

The club I liked best was called Return to the Source

18 comments:

Deb said...

The full moon affects me too (I always know there's one before I actually KNOW there's one).

Wow, that's a lot of sleep - wish I could do that. I'm lucky to get 6 hours/night. I sometimes feel that if I could just get a really good dose of sleep in that I'l feel a whole lot better for it. But I can't seem to do it.

It sounds like you're keeping busy, moving forward - good for you gled.

gledwood said...

I bet you don't have TIME to sleep that long... I keep telling myself it's because I have the luxury of time that I sleep that long: but telling myself doesn't cut down the sleep any...

gledwood said...

you can also call my club by the gravyboat equivalent: return to the sauce ~ hahahaarghkh!!

RubyShooZ said...

Hi. Thanks for the comment on my blog, much appreciated. I don't know where people can find the time to answer comments and continue to blog and write a book at the same time. I know I sure couldn't.

I do what I can when I can and keep working towards moving forward.

Just wanted to stop in and say hello and start looking around here. I am working on my post for September 27 (tomorrow) in an effort to be united with bloggers to stop abuse and it's been a bit of work for me as I'm trying to do it up right. I hope you'll come see the final results.

Much peace and happiness to you today and to all your readers.

~ RubyShooZ ~

Afzes said...

Thanks for stopping by, Gleds! - I can call you "Gleds", right?

So you're 'what' could be referred to as "a writer", is that so?

I find that quite interesting, in fact. I'd like to write something, sometime, prefferably soon. I just don't know how "you people" find the time for it.

I used to complain, back when I had a regular job (Yeah, I quit), that once I got rid of it, I would have enough time to do pretty much everything I wanted to do, which really isn't much.

Yet, I find myself, now as a current Computer-Science (if such a thing even exists) Student, who doesn't even do his deeds properly, and still I don't have as much time for my projects as I'd like to, because I doze off and get easily distracted, which often leads to much time waste.

Anyway, nice blog you've managed to put together here. And, as much as you'd doubt it, I quite envy your rain-infested weather. It's sunny here everyday, and warm, and I could rant about it for days, but instead I'll just hit the "publish" (what a relieving word) button and 'GTFO', :D.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I certainly had a good laugh watching that Whitney-drag-queen video. Nice viewpoint and quickly paced. I haven't posted much video on my blog, however, my May 19, 2007, music video titled "Beyond The Sea ... Lake Huron" is probably my best creation so far. If you get the chance, check it out.

david mcmahon said...

Wonderful to hear you're writing a book. Just yell if you have any questions. I'd be happy to help.

whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, glad to hear that the writing is coming along. You definitely have a talent and an interesting way of looking at life.

I have to say, though, after watching a handful of addicts with good intentions buy the farm, that I really hope that you manage to get off the drugs. What a great end that'd make for your book...

Josie said...

Gledwood, your blog is hystrical...! I love it! I'm going to add you to my blogroll, and I will be back.

Thanks for the giggle!

Cheers,
Josie

Josie said...

I meant hysterical... but you knew that.

benjibopper said...

Apparently James Herriot wrote for 15 minutes a day, always at the end of a full day of rural veterinary practice. He is one of the all time bestselling authors.

Ropinator said...

Hi, You commented my blog. Hungarians are originated from Asia. I would like to comment your newest post but I can't so I tell here. You posted "my ex is paranoid". According to my experiences all of them are paranoid.

ggirl said...

Hey Gled, good to be back and checking up on how you're doing. Been busy with breast cancer myself, so it's been too long. Sounds like you've still got a home, which I'm *so* happy to hear! The drug clinic, robohammies, a book--man, I've missed a lot and it's all great news!

I may not be able to check in all that often (although I hope to be back to my regular self sometime soon), but I'm thinking of you, anyway. I always stop by my petstore robo hamsters (I go there a lot for doggie cookies) and think of you.

Take care, okay?

gledwood said...

Rubyshooz: I answered your first points in my post... it only takes ten mins or so to post; writing takes longer but I'm not working ...

Who was it posted the most horrific images of abuse. Really disgusting things these bastard men had done to women. Bad.

Afzes: yes you can call me Gleds; that's what I call myself 1/2 the time... as for the climate here it is seriously messed up... this time of year all trees should be gold, hardly a leaf has turned from vivid green... thanks for coming by and all the best with the comp science... All I know about computers is how to switch one on and how to tap in this type of rubbish haha!...

Jr's thumbprints: I will go have a poke at Lake Huron... poke? Peek. Peep. Yeah, and isn't Whitney genuis. Until today there was a faked-up "crack is whack" Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown-Diane Sawyer interview on my sidebar... it's now gone to my celeb blog so have a look 4it there...

gledwood said...

David McM: you're on your 2nd novel aren't you? What happened with the first? Best of luck with the literaturetricianalities, I know the tempests...

Whitenoise: yeah I was hoping that WOULD be the ending... how obscene just to spend the book money when it ever comes just on gear. I have to get clean and serene and run away from my present physical circumstances. That's what I want money for...

Josie: hysterical/histrionic/historical/hospitable. I'm all those things. Wahey!!

gledwood said...

Benjibopper: 15 minutes per DAY?!? That is VERY encouraging + inspiring!! haha-HAARGH!!!

Ropinator: What an odd name you have... I thought the Maygars came from the mysterious East... is it true the language is distantly related to Finnish and Lappish or Sami if you want to be differently politically incorrect about it... as for exes did you note the questions presupposed you split up because one partner got tired of the other or you maturely decided it "just wasn't going to work" not because one of you cheated and the new boyf came at you with a carving knife... (hmmm!)

Ggirl: why don't you get some petstore robohammies? They won't stay there forever unless they're breeding, furry spherical swines that they are...
... all the best with the treatments etc. My mum had a bit of breast cancer but I think she was lucky enough not to have to have the hardcore chemo or anything like that... I'm thinking of you and I won't forget you!

Gleds
xx

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood