HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Great Video Debate, Baby Itchy's Long Bedroom, Laundretta Crack Binge, Memoirs Begun etc

THE GREAT VIDEO DEBATE: before I proceed any further let me ask you to answer the following query: should I continue posting videos up top in giant format as they have been? Or should they go in miniature on my sidebar? Or should I give up posting such timewasting trash?? You decide!!

O man what was I going to post today...?

O yeah! I finally started my funky memoirs... a full 800 words (2 pages. big deal) but I wrote it out... now I just gotta complete an entire first chapter. Perhaps Sly and the Family Stone helped me out with trumpeteer Cynthia Robertson's jazzery toodle-doo-ing. Or something.

I had the most horrible protracted drawn out nasty nightmare last night... the type of dream that once you wake up from you cannot explain what the problem was.. except I was being chased by accusers... and as usual had done nothing wrong... and seemed to spend vast amounts of time on rooves and guttering and flying between different building-tops... (as you do...)

My miniature Porkshire Terriers now live in a giant 18 in long bedroom... the original Xmas Maltesers tube is now extended with 2 slotted-in toilet rolls and a third sticking out at an L-shaped angle... They hide in this all day like baby gremlins. And sniff my fingers suspiciously if I dare to venture them in. And run away if I dare touch, poke, attempt to pick up anyone except Baby Itchy. Ho-humm.

Matran and Laundretta seem to be having a giant crack binge. I know this as all sorts of "guests" have been showing up at their door (a sure sign there's drugs in the offing)...

Even though I did post up about their 8am underwear bizarreness lockout when I dealt with them and handed out endless pairs of scissors, knives, plastic travelcards to bust the lock open I never once sneered or refused to was anything less than civil... possibly for this reason they keep giving me big lumps of the stuff (well they did twice which is so unlike them)... but WHY?!?

Righto and here better endeth the present vulgarteering... I have cod in parsley sauce in my bag that is melting beside me... am I the only one sweating like a swine on conkers this afternoon? It has been ROASTING hot for the past two days...

Kylie Minogue: Giving You Up
Lilly Allen: LDN


Diesel said...

That Lilly Allen song is pretty cool.

Shaz said...

I voted! 800 words, woowee you've been working hard. Hope you're as good as Mr Maupin . . .lol

Audrey said...

Definitely giant on top for me Gleds, part of visiting your site of late has been that anicipation of what music clip/video will appear today, so varied,often coming as a complete surprise...I for one would miss it if it disappeared..and always LOVE!!the update on the miniture porkshire terriers would miss that too if it went..so descriptive its easy to imagine those little fur balls getting on with life..lol

And keep writing those memoirs...

Have a good weekend, Ive got 16 days annual leave ..WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Lee said...

I can't make decisions today...It's the weekend here already! Gimme a break! ;)

Deb said...

I like the videos. You bring some to my attention that I hadn't thought of for ages and some are new to me.

Sly & The Family Stone for instance - I used to LOVE their "Everyday People". Reminds me of my childhood.

I'm sweating too lately....but still not quite feeling right.

Miz UV said...

Interesting blog. I found you via Cheezy. :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi GLeds...I voted. 800 words, that's a pretty good effort...keep going.

I'm also writing and it's taken me six months to do five chapters...in rough draft. Ho hum, I guess I'll get there.

Take care and keep on keeping on.

Jason said...

anything about lily allen should be in big huge letters at the top of the page, LOL

gledwood said...

Diesel: only thing about Lily Allen is that exaggerated London accent of hers... if I'm not mistaken she grew up in a 4 or 5 storey house in Highgate which is where Annie Lennox and other people of her ilk reside... her dad's a famous actor (ok he has a fairly Cockney voice)... went to private school... i don't know

her music is quite good though

Shaz: but that IS only 2 pages! (or 4 in my squiggly handwriting...)

Lee: I can hardly blame you. i can't either. that's why i put the pole up

gledwood said...

Audrey: trust me to get the order wrong... it is 11:51 am saturday morn... the furry gremlins are hiding in an L-shaped contraption made out of 3 toilet tubes

Deb: go to the drs!... having said that I can predict what he/she will say: it is post-viral residual symptomology come back if you still feel bad in 3 weeks. do you have to pay for the dr in Canada? Ours are totally free. But I still hate going. I was having a discussion with someone the other day and we both agreed we would never go if we had to pay... having said that i've not been to my gp/family dr for over 2 years

Miz UV: are you named after psychedelic blacklights?

gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Keep writing... only way I ever managed it was to force myself into doing it 6 days a week... (always had one day off)... but a chapter a month isn't bad.. is it a completed chapter tho, or a draught? or a draft? (whichever)

Jason: already is, haha!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood