HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Part 9: How Heroin "Got" Me ...

PART EIGHT actually took place six years ago. But this 9th chapter, (and the one following), though they cover the longest timeframe, actually (in a sense) have the least to tell.

You must understand that those negative thoughts I "captured" at the end of Part 8 depict an addict's nihilism. Though I'm less likely to think along those lines now, for as long as I remain a heroin or methadone addict, mind and body will go on being held under an opiated "spell" ...

Interestingly I had a conversation only yesterday with a reforemd shoplifter and former user-dealer, who insists he's 16 dyas "clean" now. I didn't press him on what "clean" meant (is he still on methadone? (if he ever was?) Did he give p all drugs completely? If so, how? These rae questions I didn't ask.

But we were talking about how much of a mess addiction makes of your life. And how, rather than face up to the pain of self-realization, the pain of putting things right, the addict's automatic answer (because it's a long-ingrained habit) is always to use again.

Thus, seemingly "escaping" pain in the short term - but in actuality merely deferring it. This isn't even seen as an escape route, though. Not at the time. For a hardcore addict (in the words of NA) only lives to use. Hence the suicidal feelings that so frequently spring up during detox.) And the habit itself is constructed of repeated daily using. Morning, noon and night (or their skewed equivalent). So whether one is "escaping pain" or not one uses. Whether one is happy, sad, celebrating, or mourning: using becomes integral to the picture. That is how deeply ingrained using becomes in the addict's life.

Heroin in particular takes on the characteristics of a cure-all. Tired? It perks you up. Need to sleep? Suddenly you can. Aches and pains mostly vanish, anxieties fade. Having had a hit or a smoke, the addict now feels ready to face life. Also, feeling as "soft" as it does, heroin fits into almost any situation. Nobody panics on heroin. There is no possibility of abad trip. It fits into every set and setting. In fact, it seems to become the very spice of life. Without it life is drab, forlorn and hopeless-feeling. But with a decent amount of gear in the system life feels full of possibilities. Its richness an be apreciated (if there is time to do so between grafting up the next fix and the next.)

Gradually one's outlook shrinks down too. Planning for the future becomes a thing of the past. Only years into my addiction did I suddenly realize how I'd pretty much given up daydreaming. How very alien of me! Not to daydream is not to plan. Not to plan is not to set goals. A goalless life is apt to become a very empty one for that reason alone. Day by day life constricts into a day-in day-out 24-hour rhythm. All days of the week are the same. Wake up. Use. By mid-afternoon (if one's not used again alraedy) it feels like time to use again. One must also use to assure sleep at night. When this periodic daily punctuation is removed, life is thrown haywire. It feels senseless. And "working" to eed an addiction, I might add, is almost as compellingly habituating as the drug itself. Drugs have become the be-all and the end-all to a degree that the non-user (perhaps seeing an addict contentedly chatting away in front of the television) might not immediately find aparent. Contentment is only bought from heroin now. As it was once put: "heroin is satisfaction you can hold in your hand."

Somehow, by coming off over that week, I merely jolted myself more rapidly and completely into a sudden meek acceptance of this state of affairs. Though I did, I have to say, after my initial lapse, make quite some concerted efforts not to use again. Every one of these, of course was doomed to fail ...

3 comments:

Wayward Son said...

I completely understand the fall into acceptance of one's addiction. Time stands still for the addict as we slowly but surely isolate ourselves completely. Six years or two weeks. It makes little difference when the world gets so small.

Of course I am talking about my own experience and NOT assuming yours is the same. That would be presumptuous at best. Your story does make sense to me, I think, in the way it would to someone who has battled addiction too. Ah the memories. They are not sweet!

Gleds, there's nothing that any of us desire that we cannot achieve. Nothing.

WS

The one said...

Hi Gleds

Your story is so harsh and real. I am so sorry for your suffering. I wish I could do something practical but alas all I can offer is moral support. Heroin sounds like a love hate relationship. I just hope in the end you can kick it.

all the best
sad

Andree said...

This post certainly points out the pain of "quitting": how do you live again with all those things (the aches and pains, goal-setting without any context, sleep or non-sleep) without it. I can see it is overwhelming. It reminds me of grief. All of those things I wanted to run away from but couldn't. The loss of goals overwhelmed me.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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