HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Tuesday - Soporific Nite

OK; not quite nite yet. Evening time. Time for slow jazz or the neighbours' wailing reggae:- "Rolly-polly rolly-polly-no!" or have I verse 3 of Obie's Teeth rap nibbling my head? Naomi-Joy says rap 'n' hiphop ain't the same. Will some-1 please help me cos it's not my music. If it ain't "rap" - what da hell is hiphop den?Hey the reggae's perked up somewhat. BTW, wot is that chang-chang-chang every other beat? That seems to mark out reggae from every other music. What is it? I always assumed it was some honkeytonk or stummed guitar or something. But what is it? Please sm1 tell me as I've got it on the brain ...

Talking of things "on the brain"; the advice of Jesus Christ comes to mind: "Moderation in all things." Since when have I ever been capable of doing anything in moderation? That is my biggest failing, I think. And yet paradoxically, conversely, I also suspect it shall be the very thing that, put into action on the right thing at the right time, will finally give me the NRG to drag me up, lift me clear of this morass in which I'm helplessly wallowing, to lift me out and keep me on running until I'm not just clear but well clear and all this jumble, this confusing nightmare of existence isn't mere memory but a vague fadedness, as indistinct as it deserves to be. Lost smithereens of another lifetime will not be worth collecting in the future. Which is why if I'm gonna do it, I'm commencing penning my memoirs right now. So that I know. And my readers shall most definitley know. That the story I tell is real. Then I can let it go and my past can go two places simultaneously where it belongs. The dustbin. And the dump-bins of bookshops worldwide!

I'm behind, both in life and in blogthings. I know I'm meant to fulfill at least two "tags" (why do they call a "tag" a "meme" now? When a "meme" merely means (supposedly) "a unit of cultural information"? Can anybody explain? Because I'm confused by that one. Seriously confused.) Also I'm meant to email at least two people. If anyone else wanted me to get in touch for whatever reason and I don't - please would you remind me? (More to the point, re-remind me!) I am not just human but easily "confused". Even the local council says so - so just bear that in mind! And I do apologize. I can't even do one thing at one sometimes, let alone all these things I'm often meant to do and yet cannot recall even to do as the time comes round ... ho-hum!!

Tune of the Day: Cafe del Mar "Open Your Mind" - especially for Claire who's disappeared in Guatemala.

And here's Obie Trice - Got Some Teeth lyrics (click here too see the video!)

[Obie Trice - talking]
WOO!
Damn ..
There's a lot of bitches up in here tonight boy
I'm about to get drunk
Let's hold down,
Where the bar at?

[*crashing noise*]

[Verse 1]
Okay, okie dokey Obie's here
No more focus, hobo's got a career
And I like your brassiere and there's a party in here
And I'm ready to talk naughty in Veronica's ear
She erotic and it's hot, saw Heineken beer
Put her to the side and invite here to "Cheers"
Pull up a chair, nigga swear no drama
prepare for a player your workin with a MONSTER
[*yelling*]
I ain't got time to waste, let's vacate the place
Shut blinds and drapes, grind to your face in a grimy state
Concentrate, you will find that your bound to get
But we found what's fate
We can watch two incredible mates masterbate
Why settle and wait
Let's Escalade to the nearest Super 8
To your rear is on the mirrors and they smearin booty cheeks
C'mon


[Chorus - 2X]
And this is my favorite song
Now sing along when the DJ throws it on
And if I leave here tonight and I fall asleep
And wake up,
[*sound of water dropping*], hopefully she got some teeth

[Verse 2]
Okay holy moly derriere
Look around the club booty everywhere
She caught me starin
And my homies darin me to approach Karen
She's model material, but she got a venereal
Tons of baby fathers', baby bottles and cereal
She holla cause I got a lot of denerio
The DJ's playin Obie song on the stereo
And she's impaired and she wants to be headin home
With the real thing not the dildo clone
And I know I don't wanna be headin home
With some double D's full of silicone
Ten hoodrat chicks surround me outside
Found me outside, clown me outside
'Til I popped da trunk and they found me outside
Cussin' at the bitches screamin "off to they rides!"


[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
Okay rolie polies everywhere
[*horse naying noise*]
Gotta find a slim chick's atmosphere
Obesity's glarin and she got me fearin
She's gonna come over here and try to eat me literal
[*crunching noise*]
-ly, like a box of Cheerios
Carrot cupcakes and chocolate Tootsie rolls
I'm outta order cause I gotta big girl disorder
So better cover up that blubber or I'll split
[*feet running away noise*]
And I ain't got time to play
Let's investigate another place today
Ladies less in weight and the dress they shape
Dresses pettite, no window drapes


[Obie Trice - talking]
Word to mother, they god damn okra and beans
Got ya Oprah in jeans
Seems to me a little lean cuisine
Wouldn't hurt much, hot don't touch


[Chorus]

[Outro - Obie Trice - talking]
Haha, haha, ha
You gotta have teeth baby
It just wouldn't look right
Look, me big lips ..
You no teeth, it wouldn't work
You know what I'm sayin
Haha ha, yeah
I'm feelin good
Shady Records man
Obie Trice
C'mon

3 comments:

rowan said...

easily confused.. lol. you are!!! But sometimes it's a good quality of yours because then you ask more questions other people wouldnt.

Liz Hinds said...

I thought meme meant 'the same' (in French) (dug out of my schoolbook memory). How come I can remember the words of all four verses of For Those in peril on the Sea, when i can't remember what i had for lunch? Did I have lunch?

Anonymous said...

I don't think Jesus said that. I think it was Confucius.

...catching up here, Gled. I've been away too long. Dealing with my own problems, which is never any fun.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood