HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Part 5

TWO LIFE PARTNERS AT ONCE. They do say an addiction is like a relationship. Or more to the point, a bad relationship. Think of domestic violence. Did you know that one in three victims is male? Now I'll tell you a fascinating reverse-statistic. Only one in three addicts is female. Go to a few methadone clinics or NA meetings and that truth will become self-evident.

Anyone can become an addict - addiction is a condition dormant in everyone alive. It only has to be awoken by the correct chemical "light"... then it begins to smoulder and burn, eventually raging like wildfire!

I hope I have made clear the fact that despite dabbling quite heavily I did resist addiction's wily clutches for as long as I possibly was able. But every day iwth Libra was a day that I used - all the way through our liaison except at the very end when she stopped and I went on. In fact, one of the very first questions I asked her mother (after she'd driven us to score) was "Have you got any kitchen foil?" I was still smoking at this point and couldn't bear the thought of Libra butchering herself. Also, the fact ath she could overdose at any time truly frightened me. Smoking £10 worth of heroin takes at least a quarter of an hour because the drug first melts then must be coaxed along the foil in lines; an intravenous injection - once the vein is correctly located - can be done in seconds. The difference to the brain is like the difference between taking a shower and jumping into a huge, deep, hot bath. Both get you soaking wet and the same amount of water may eventually go into each; but there is, at least initially, a matter of degrees of wetness. And that's the only analogy I can come up with, I'm afraid!

While we were at her's the drugs came, of course, from her dealer. Everything seemed easy. Addiction was laid out on a plate. I only had to cough up £10 for every day I used. When I didn't use heroin, a tiny does of methadone or a couple of DFs (dihydrocodeines) were enough to hold me.

When Libra came with me to London, I initially had to brek through the reticence I still had against scoring every day. (Even when I'd used every day in the past the bag had lasted at least into next afternoon on nearly all occasions.) Whereas her dealers were also users and addicts, in my metropolitan neck of the woods heroin was nearly always sold by professional drug dealers. Fair enough, they had to fit dealing beetween taking kids to school, shopping, cooking and watching EastEnders and to this end were often exasperatingly unprofessional. I mean, does dial-a-pizza ever take two hours because he has to sign on for unemployment benefits or fit in a trip to probation on his rounds? And then have the cheek to take maybe £50 or more from you expect you to be grateful that he bothered to show at all? Of course not! But that's part of the junkie life. As Lou Reed put it: "One thing you lern is you always gotta wait."

(Click here to see the psychedelic Velvet Underground version) of Waiting for The Man.

Continues ....

(so sorry I couldn't fit this into less postings and less space... but ho-hum ...)

30 comments:

Nicole said...

No wonder you're so tired! The amounts of typing you've done the past few days! I need a good afternoon of catching up. We just got home about an hour ago, I did my blog and now I'm ready to collapse. It was my day off today and I painted the hallway and cooked. Went out in the evening but didn't stay long. Just too tired. Summer has been gross here so far, nothing but wind and rain. You've inspired me to buy a lottery ticket tomorrow. I promise that if I win enough money I'll be sending you to de-tox.

Gledwood said...

Thanks!

Your hallway looks super-cool by the way

(that said by teh way first. since i've been typing in my life drugs story (did you notice i knocked everything else out of it... most people i knew, relationship dynamics etc... that would take TOO long ... oh) ... & what was i saying here?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Gleds, you're so honest. Well done for posting this - it can't have been easy. I totally agree that addiction is a fuse waiting to be lit in each of us and the trouble is, most people don't know how easy this is.
Can I add you to my blogroll?
Love from Sicily.

Gledwood said...

of course you can! ...

i'm really bad at updating mine. i will put you in now

¤Lara's ridiculous world¤ said...

Hi! you visited my blog last week so now I visit yours. The traduction works, but it sucks since words are traduced without taking into account the meaning of the whole sentence... I'll carry on reading it in english, to make me practice my english (i need speaking english, i can't)
see you
by the way, well done!

AintNeverScared said...

I'm working on catching up...THANK YOU for sharing this story with us. I venture to say that everyone will gain something valuable from these posts.

Personally, it's extremely important and touching and helpful for me to read about someone else who's been here too.

Now, on a lighter note, and a note that shows why I'm still struggling (don't take anything seriously) ... perhaps I should check out an NA meeting after all (ratio 3:1!!!!)

AintNeverScared said...

I find this curious ... I've never done the waiting game (YET anyway), as my problems have always been with legally (albeit bending and twisting the rules) prescribed drugs. At one point, until they found me out and cut me off, I had a really fantastic thing going with multiple "dealers." But alas ...

So what is the DEAL with these people? I mean they're making big bucks! The money one pays for dope? They gotta be kidding taking two hours or whatever. It's cuz they have no RESPECT! They know a junkie will wait desperately forever, as long as they are promised the goods, and be SO grateful when they come. Damn.

Right Eye said...

Hey Gleds,
Thanks for being so enthusaistic about my video blog! I am truly honored. I honestly like about half of what I put up. I figure Film and post, film and post...eventually I will get something decent. I have had a chance to read some of your blog. Very impressive. Life is so complex, and you seem to be handling your situation will a raw, sincere, reality that is remarkable. I wish you well...be good.

shAROn said...

hi, I'm actually from Singapore! Pretty close to Thailand, part of Southeast Asia.

I'll keep tuning in for your story. Keep it going!

Klatuu o embuçado said...

Velvet Underground is great!

Cheers!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, I could never be an injecting heroin addict and I so glad I'm not diabetic. I don't mind other people poking needles into me, but to do it to myself? No way.

Because you're writing about your addiction each day, you may surprise yourself in Detox and get through it successfully this time.

You never know...

Akelamalu said...

Thailand is awesome, I did a post about it a short time back, well our visit to a small part of it anyway. I hope you get there some day.

sadgirl said...

Hi Gleds

Your story and situation are still fascinating to me. I hope things change for you soon. Its got to be up from here for you. I am about to write a response to your questions about anti depressants on my blog. It was fine for you to ask. For you my friend I just don't have the knowledge to tell you whether lithium would be useful at this point i.e on heroin but off heroin perhaps it would be worth a bash. Get yourself a good pdoc.

all the best
sadgirl x

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Your honest and fascinating story continues, thanks
for sharing it - it may help someone from getting on drugs, or inspire hope to get free of them. Instead of calling it your personal story of your downfall, how about calling it your triumph over heroin. I am sure you will make it, because you want to so badly. To be free to do other things with your life, travel and write (and inspire others.)Thanks for your comments
we are not nearly as over run with creepy crawlies as some think. On a
farm you would probably see 1 or 2 snakes a year. Funnel-webs are mainly around Sydney. I see a redback very occasionally outside
and spray it. Never even heard of mouse spiders - maybe in the rain forests. Take care of yourself
Gleds, Regards, Merle.

grumpygit said...

Hi Gleds. Just got your message re the webcam (been away on my hols) If you want instructions, can you email me? (address is in my profile)
All the best - GG

Audrey said...

Gleds I'd go as far as to say an addicton is a relationship whether it be cigarrette,heroin or the dynamics of a personal relationship we find ourselves in. In my case it was a relationship, and the addiction, the adrenalin from all the drama that I hated much like I hate smoking yet continue to do so..I walked away from the relationship and learned I could live without the adrenalin rushes caused by the dramas, the cigarrettes I have yet to beat..

I love the way you talk about your dream in the present tense as if your living it now, in other words its real in your mind, you can imagine it,ITS POSSIBLE. A hard journey but POSSIBLE!! Right behind you x Auds

Diesel said...

Wow, you're hard to keep up with. Now I have to go back and read the rest of this.

Gledwood said...

Lara~~ I've read a Spanish blog in English using it and found Babelfish OK... but then I've never learned a word of Spanish in my life... I suppose reading in the original is better... sorry if some of the langauge gets a bit pretentious or "involved" ...
Ain't Never Scared~~ NA: all I can say about NA is I've seen it works for those who do the programme ... (by "do it" I mean the entire thing as it's meant to be. Not just turning up and picking/chosing bits of it) ... and that is all I can say about NA I'm afraid... except I did once have a sponsor... long story... I'm still "using" so ... ho-hum...
Right Eye~~ have a look at my Random Clips blog as well as the Musical and Celebrity ones and take anything you like... I'd prefer if you do what I do and give a link when you take something ....

Gledwood said...

Sharon~~ ... oer how did I mix that up..? Well I've not (yet) even been to that part of the world; so sorry. Ho-hum..!
Klatuu~~ yepp!! Nice one. I love the name as much as anything ...
Puss in Boots~~ I certainly hope so!

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu~~ yeah at one point I was chomping at the bit to get to Thailand!
Sadgirl~~ lithium: I wouldn't want to be on anyway... sounds horrible... nausea, blood tests, etc... uykk!
Merle~~ I found out about Mouse Spiders... they are well scary and found up the coast from Sydney onwards... oookkh!!

Gledwood said...

Grumpy~~ so you got out on parole then ..(?!?!?!) "LoL"! "LoL"! (as they say)... yes I will get in touch... gimme a day or 2 I'm v disorganized and am about to be thrown out of this present place
Audrey~~ there's a definite crossover between substance addictions and relationships. Big time!
Diesel~~ I know. It goes on and on. I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep things short and succinct. etc ...

Gledwood said...

Merle this is the scarey mouse spider link. Have a pee first bc I nearly peed myself when caught sight of the female redheaded particularly nasty-looking one...

http://www.amonline.net.au/factsheets/mouse_spider.htm

Zhu said...

This is a great text. Honest, well-written. You're definitely a smart guy.

Gledwood said...

Hi Zhu your new mugshot is far nicer than the old one please keep it. The old one was dead stern!
I agree with your PoV re healthcare Europe vs North America. We have free healthcare here. So much more civilized than the American/Canadian system in my opinion. After all sickness is a lottery, so everyone deserves a free ticket. That's my view and I shall never change it.

rocio said...

muchas gracias por sus palabras desde peru le mando mucha saludos deseandole todos los exitos y gracias por el dato sobre el traductor

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood