HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Free Drugs Day

WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPOTTED A BLUE TWIST OF CARRIER BAG POLYTHENE (why is it always blue? Dunno; but it is.) At first it seemed to have white lumps in it (crack - wahey!) On closer inspection it contained three very tightly single-wrapped piggles of brown powder. I could tell by first glance that it was almost certainly genuine (because fake drugs would be far more heavily wrapped - gives the dealer escape time.) Also the deals weren't that big. So that made a start to the day ...

I haven't done any memoir-writing as I make Saturday my day off.

Pet gremlin news: Bashful will actually let me put a finger right down next to her... then she makes an attempt at nibbling it... Yeah, thanks a lot! When I come along and lean over cooing at them three pink noses appear in the gap between tubes... they are so frustrating as they're so round and furry you just want to pick them up and sqeeze them - but they hate that. Even Itchy doesn't like it. By the way I found out he is definitely not itchy in the literal sense. He gets washed all the time because he is youngest of the bunch. Bashful is older and Spherical at least a generation older... ooer the most amazing herbal ciggie smell has just drifted past... ghostly tendrils of canabinol fumes... mmm. I love the smell. Just hate to smoke it. Ukky stuff.

Come on people VOTE or the videos disappear to the sidebar.

Today's fabulous selection is:
REM - Everybody Hurts (I think this is their best tune. The video is based on a true story where the "inhabitants" of a traffic jam outside Los Angeles gave up and just got out of their cars and walked ...
Lily Allen - Alfie (not based on the shrill 60s Cilla Black version where she sounds like she's being poked with the sharp end of a feather in the privates)
Barbra Streisand - Hideaway (this tune was written for her by Barry Gibb or whatever his name is you know the BeeGee plus to other Gibbs I think they are his sons or grandsons... great songwriters. If you've ever heard Guilty I and been sick I can assure you Guilty II is better. Seriously. And Barbra Streisand (it turns out - remember my Celine Dion disaster?) is the only "adult contemporary" music I can tolerate ....

8 comments:

jim dandy said...

OK, I changed my vote from the side bar, to GIANT at the top. I was thinking at first that the page may scroll quicker, then realized that the videos would be harder to see.
You just decorate how you want to.
We are but your guests!

Anonymous said...

yeah but i don't write this blog for me i write it for YOUS!!

i'm glad you changed bc i was starting to regret that tiny screens idea... i don't reckon people will want to watch them as much ...

jim dandy said...

I agree as I am enjoying them more and more. And thanks for putting my photo blog site on your fantastic blog list. Very nice of you.
Be well, I enjoy you!

Stu said...

Hey Gleds,

Thanks for dropping by my place again.

Finding free drugs on the pavement - now there's a 'theme' that could make a killer poem, I reckon! (only with your approval though, of course - I wouldn't want to steal your ideas without asking).

Good luck with the memoir writing. Are you setting yourself a target of a certain number of words a day or anything?

Cheers,
Stu

Gledwood said...

Stu: that would certainly make a theme!

Jim: great stuff

wahey

!

rowan said...

sorry i'm so critical today.. i just wanted to say that i'd like to read about one topic for longer in your blog.. each entry switches ferociously thru three things... i like it more when you describe things and stay on the track for the duration of the entry. like, what happened with the polythene and blue? and if you are reading this fluidly you're ration brain is like "mouses escaped from the heroin?" oh no, okay, gled is talking about chinese hampsters.

Anonymous said...

hmmmm that is a most interesting escape from the blue polythene.. no it was full of HEROIN!!!

Wayward Son said...

Early on in my group there was this one chap who came across more drugs just lying on the ground and in those tell tale little blue bags. he never did succumb and once ran to the nearest ditch drain and tossed the little bag into the sewer. That sort of thing has NEVER happened to me—not even when I used!

Such is life.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood