HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ghkky Day

WHAT A DRY DRAB BORING DULL execrable excretionary not excellent swinely swooshing swoon of a day. Ukk everything is interminable blocklike brickdust dull disordinary disordered yukky pukky ukk. Gh! Too tired too long too grey too slow too everything too nothing at once and everywhere to go yet too tired. Ukk!

***

Video of the day:
Whitney Goes Crackwhoreing

14 comments:

pissed off patricia said...

47% Quirky
"You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it.
Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them!"

I guess that's about right.

It's cloudy and rainy here today. One could become depressed and blue or one could enjoy the weather. I choose to do the second.

Take care! :)

Gledwood said...

the weather ain't the problem here today!

Kate said...

Hey, Gledwood. I see you meandered over to look at the culinary disaster at my place. I'm embarrassed that you would find me in such a state of disarray. I want to check out you "Britney" stuff, but I have to wait until I get home because it won't load here at work (what control freaks they are). I took the "what kind of cook are you" quiz. It seemed timely.

jim dandy said...

So sorry, so bad.
A drag you're sad.
a drag is a drag
Oh well, be glad,
You're Gled
and not dead.

Odat said...

Your Quirk Factor: 59%

You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it.
Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them! HAHAHAHA....

That Britney stuff is so sad....

Peace!

Kahshe Cottager said...

I finally completed the challenge you sent my way ... it took me long enough didn't it?!

Nicole said...

I feel the same way today. Tuesday's are always a drag at work because I have to work on a project for a New York client and they have no idea about the time difference and so I never get anything done on time. Apart from that the weather is horrid here and it's only a few more weeks before Vincent and I head off to Australia. We've got so much to do and organise and it's making us very tired.

Right. I'm off to get some sleep now. Have to go and waste some more of my life working tomorrow.

WAT said...

Yo Gled:

That Britney clip is quite disturbing. The sleaze who filmed that was her retarded loser ex Kevin Federline wasn't it?! I saw it months ago, before she'd divorced the creep.

Speaking of poor crazy BRIT-ney (excuse the pun), what in God's good name is wrong with Amy Winehouse! And Brit got charged with a hit and run and suspended license driving here in Los Angeles just this week!

It's tough to be a pop star, on both sides of the Atlantic!

Anonymous said...

Kate: if you hadn't labelled it as such the term "culinary disaster" would never have entered my head. It just looked like a lot of my cooking

Jim: not dead? Not yet haha!

Odat: Britney Spears - never has one person's personal strife been watched by so many when it ought to be by so few... whoeah! I'm getting Churchillian here

Anonymous said...

Kahshe: well I got tagged 3 times about 4 months ago and haven't done a single one of 'em!!

Nicole: good luck with the leaving. Ooh what a long way to go etc etc and getting stuff shipped over. I was shocked at how CHEAP it was to get a roomfull of stuff sent between this country and Colorado... only £500 I would have thought it cost far more...

Wat: oh i thought you meant Amy Winehouse got charged with hit-&-run... that was Britney Spears? I'm just out buying The Sun to investigate...

jim dandy said...

Its the Full Moon. I didnt sleep a wink last night. Today is gonna be a real drag.

Anonymous said...

Didn't sleep a WINK???!
I slept over 15 hours!!!!

Nicole said...

We are having 6 cubic metres shipped over and that will cost around 3000 Euro. It's quite expensive I think. I guess it's a little further than Colorado.

Gledwood said...

A LOT further... does it go by ship then?

Also I think they probably had about half that...

3000 euro... what's that about £2000

hmmm not that cheap

My thoughts are with you throughout the inevitable screamy-exhaustion trauma of moving 1/2 way round the world. Ukk!

(why do people call Australia halfway round the world when it's as far as you can get from here??)...

have you got jobs and everything sorted?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood