HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 09, 2007

An Addict Dies ... Name: Anna Nicole Smith

ANNA NICOLE SMITH: Playboy model and Naked Gun 33&1/3 actress, billionaire's wife and reality TV star is dead.
In the cruel, judgemental world of Hollywood, even the (American) Star Magazine's editor admitted that Anna Nicole, busty, beautiful, very blonde and seemingly naive was truly a lost soul to the very end of her 39 years.

Entire forests of trees have been felled to tell the story from her rise from diner waitress to Playboy magazine model and sometime Hollywood actress. She looked set for life when, in 1994, she married the decrepit and wheelchair-bound 89 year-old Texan oil billionaire J Howard Marshall II. Smart move, girl! Who died a convenient one year later, leaving Anna Nicole in the throes of an ugly lawsuit over who should really inherit the dead man's billion dollar plus estate.

I might add here that in English law a man simply cannot do other than leave reasonable provision for his wife in his will. In fact, without a will his wife would, under ordinary circumstances, inherit everything. So I can't pretend to begin to understand the technicalities of Anna Nicole's legal battle with J Howard Marshall II's son. What I do know is that legal beagles had always said they expected Anna Nicole to win... If only she had lived long enough...

I have always thought (and this is my sincere opinion) that if an old man (and, let's be realistic, he would have to be rich for this ever to happen) meets a beautiful young girl who is willing to be his wife, trophy and constant companion throughout his twilight years, freindly, uncomplaining and a true friend even if the marriage is not based on "love" or "passion" as we normally understand them... and if both parties enter such an arrangement willingly (and obviously knowing the young girl has half an eye at least on his will) ... then good luck to them! Why shouldn't a pretty girl make an old man happy? Why not?? None of us know the ins and outs of the Marshall-Smith marriage. Although the fact that he did not leave her his fortune in a watertight will suggests the "dynamics" of their relationship may be a little more complicated than we first imagine...

Anna Nicole had two children by different fathers. A son, who died a year ago of a reported methadone overdose and a daughter, whose paternity was being contested ...

Methadone... that brings us to the crux of the Anna Nicole story. The woman was an addict! Let's be frank here. A self-confessed 100-pill a day painkiller & tranquillizer popper, who had methadone lying around her house in unlabelled bottles, one of which killed her late son a year before she went ... what else can I say? Nobody dabbles with methadone, at least not for any length of time, unless that person is a heroin addict. Yes, folks. Anna Nicole Smith, blonde, beautiful, immaculately groomed (most of the time) and hardly the sharpest tool in the box ... was a heroin addict.

Surely we have all seen clips of her trolleyed out of her head, singing songs through limousine windows to a press corps who did all they could not to laugh in her face so as not to spoil such fabulous shots.

Yes, at the end of the day, Anna Nicole, for all her white-trash glamorous life-&-death is really one of an innumerable rollcall of the insulted and the injured, the battered and abused, downtrodden, misunderstood, disadvantaged. The misfits and don't fits of the world. She was like every other pill-popper, drinker, crackhead and junkie in the world. She was an addict plain and simple. Maybe her death was not inevitable, but in hindsight there seems precious little choice of other way for her to bow out. So ...

Goodbye Anna Nicole and Goodnight. May you rest in peace at last ...

17 comments:

牛步千里 said...

Wow Anna Nicole Smith dies sad..

I'm English little..^^;;

sturdy hard...ㅜ.ㅜ

my blog visit ...thanks !!

Gledwood said...

Oh wow you replied!! Did you see my remark on how many Chinese people seem to read my blog and never say hi?? When I found yours with all those busy characters I couldn't resist but to say SOMETHING ...

Okay, well, as I'd say if I were American: HAVE A NICE DAY NOW!!

From
Gledwood

ggirl said...

I don't know about the heroin thing. Definitely she had substance abuse problems, but I never heard about the unlabelled bottles of methadone. (I haven't exactly been keeping up, though.)

I think it's possible she died because she chose to or because the dieting yo-yo did permanent damage to her heart, in which case any drug added to the mix would be deadly. I did see a clip from a recent interview in which she did look very, very tranquilized, so you may well be right. I've never really kept up with Anna Nicole's lengthy story, so how would I know? :-)

Here in the States, they've been relentlessly speculating that she had something to do with her son's death. I'm not sure how any parent lives through the death of a child and that speculation had to be devastating.

I tried to respond to your response about Tony Blair, but Tblog wouldn't let me for some reason. I can't really say in what regard America generally holds Blair. I have to confess that I don't get his choice to do whatever our idiotic President asks. We don't get so much coverage here, probably because the media is obsessed with trying to figure out how we got into Iraq. Don't get me started.... It's all infuriating.

Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she's better. I had an unusual form of breast cancer and that may account for the differences in treatment.

Take care, okay?

gledwood said...

The media killed her?

In part...?

Like they said re Diana ...

I don't know how someone whose existence was only validated by publicity handled it when it was bad ...

OK I'm oversimplifying. But I'm sure I've hit the nail at least sideways on... (so to speak)

Anonymous said...

hey, where are you from ?

-snipheart

Nicole said...

I was really sad to hear about this. She had a tough life and I think a lot of people just used her and it was really tough for her. I was hoping she'd get all those millions from her late husband soon.

I have a slightly more sinister opinion as to what killed her. That creepy lawyer of hers that kept her so well doped up! I think he had his hands in killing her son first, then had her marry him, then made sure he was elected the father of that little girl (who I'm sure is not his) and now he finished off Anna-Nicole. The Millions may go to the little girl and he being her legal guardian would be set for life after eliminating the other obstacles.

It might be far fetched, but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Adryka said...

Olá Obrigada pela tua visita, no meu blog podes fazer a tradução para o Inglês pois tens lá um link para isso. Faz a tradução . Tu n/ tens essa função. Bj

Sarah said...

I feel bad for her as well. What a sad life she had. I hope the baby is well cared for. How come the baby was in the bahamas while Anna was here? She's only what? 5 months old?

So sad.

Wayward Son said...

What a nice, truthful and befitting tribute—thank you.

I can only add that in the über greedy U.S.there there is no such thing as an iron tight will.

None. Zip. Nada.

WS

Deb said...

she reminded me of a train wreck that ended in tragedy.

Mary_bc said...

This piece is right on Gleds..

"I don't know how someone whose existence was only validated by publicity handled it when it was bad."

I so agree with this one too.

When I first heard she died my heart kinda went oh no..even though it was probably the only way to end her story as crazy a life as she lived...for her to get any peace I mean.

God speed pretty lady..and may it be a kinder place you land in.

Anonymous said...

GLED ..VERY NICE JOB YOU DID HONORING ANNA , AND VERY WELL WRITTEN . I WONDER IF SHE WAS WRAPPED UP IN PILLS , OXI,VIC ECT AND THAT WHY SHE WAS ON THE METHADEATH . ITS A SAD STORY HER LIFE . JAMIE

Women on the Verge said...

I;m with Nicole on this one... her son dies 5 months ago and then she dies... alone... in a hotel room?? And her lawyer/fiance was nowhere to be found?? I heard today that even without the lawsuit being settled that she was worth 88 million dollars... my prayers for safety go out to that little baby girl...

E

Gledwood said...

Anna had visa trouble re the Bahamas Government. Something to do with whether she owned or rented a $1000,000 house ...

AintNeverScared said...

So very well put, Gled. I couldn't agree more with everything you said about Anna N.S. Something about her entire passing and the whole sense I got of "There but for the grace of God go I ..." just kept running through my mind these past few days. And you just put it so perfectly.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood