Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Every Time

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Every Time

EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING I do it wrong. Whenever I juggle I drop at least one item. Whenever I'm successful at one aspect of life I'm neglecting something else. Why can I never get it right?? What have I done today? Gone and missed my appointment with the doctor. Which I know will really annoy them. And where is my phone for that matter. I have to go and sort this out now.

Why is there always something??

7 comments:

c|oudf|ame said...: hii takecare of urself yup..

guess i can feel wat u're going thru in this entry.. im just like u.. always screwing up something in my life.. despite the struggle of being a perfectionist..

but i learnt that nothing is perfect in this world.. so being a perfectionist is always tedious and ending up with disappointment etc..

these wat i felt.. but i hope u will remain strong and continue to fight.. dont give up ok..

cheers; 20 February 2007 at 17:24
Deb said...: don't sweat the small stuff gled. it's only an appointment. ;); 20 February 2007 at 20:03
Gledwood said...: i no!! i just thought they wouldn't give me a 2nd one. they can be like that sometimes. but i did get one. so hey!!; 20 February 2007 at 20:32
Anonymous said...: I get that way with the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I forget to take my meds, get six miles out in the car and have to turn around and go back home. I forget to take the most important tools for a particular job, you name it. I do it every time. If something ever goes to plan I am always wondering what it was I forgot.....; 21 February 2007 at 03:13
Wayward Son said...: The only exercise I get is running back up the hill and then back up the stairs to the flat to get what I had forgotten—keys, phone, wallet, ciggs, lighter, ciggs AND lighter, the stuff I pulled out of my wallet and didn't put back in, my head, my self respect—for which it is nice to be able to go back and get even if a hill and set of steps are involved!

You got a figure these doctors of yours have factored in an over-sleeping or two or fifty. Geez, if they haven't they should probably specialize in something they know more about!

Head up Gleds. You are perfect. It is the condition that is flawed.

Still have not found the word you were looking for (and now I am). I've a mind to march up to that big house, ring her bell and ask her myself. She's the friggin writer!

WS; 21 February 2007 at 09:18
Anonymous said...: No one ever gets it all right. The universe is perfect right now as it is at all times. That means you're perfect, too.; 21 February 2007 at 16:47
grumpygit said...: "EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING I do it wrong"

No you don't - you write this blog, and do it very well. I wish I could write as well as you. Get that novel going!; 24 February 2007 at 19:10

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!