HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tuesday TV Views Day

WEARILY I CLETTERED ALONG last night, half-sleeping and half-not. Waking to television shows to teach schoolchildren to pass science examinations. Waking to Friends but too tired to stay awake anyway through it. Waking to Frasier eventually. I love Frasier. After Friends it probably is my favourite American sitcom. (Might I just interject here: American sitcoms were viewed over here for decades as rubbish. The Cosby Show being a really good example. Riproariously popular on your side of the pond. And yet lacking any wit or bite or point of view except that of the slightly right wing Reader's Digest-reading Montel Williams viewing homeowning parent:... know what I mean by that?? It wasn't until Friends came along that any American sitcom became popular over here. And suddenly an invasion of American TV happened. Not so much on our screens (because we've always had American imports (though we make more of our own shows than any other country in the English-speaking world)) but in our hearts. Before the 1990s most of those imports were regarded as candifloss TV. Barely there. Rarely missed. (A few exceptions, of course.) But in the 1990s American telly really seemed to grow up. And now I can say and mean it that ER is better than Casualty (British ER). And Friends and Frasier are better than ... well ... anything else. What a long posting about nothing. Do you see now why I lived for so long without TV? Am I making sense? It was all to do with loving it too much. Not hating it. I just marvel that I did about a year and a half without it!!!

Laundretta hasn't woken since her last bender. Matran has been dead quiet. The house is in drab misery:-== What's new there? But I'm not sleeping as long as before. I'm off to finish the last of my Sainsbury's marge-fried veggie fingers in wholemeal pitta breads & a dash of tomato ketchup. Sorry I know those ingredients were ever so slightly offputting but I love 'em when they're crispy!!! All the Best now. Gleds.

PS If y'all would like to view some fabulous fotografs, (horsey, doggie, flowers and wildlife) have a click on this.

23 comments:

RUTH said...

those photos are fantastic. i wonder how she manages to get such large ones on her blog! I'm a great Friends fan too. Some comedy doesn't seem to travel well. English comedy that has been redone American style doesn't seem to be the same. Glad you're enjoying having a TV....something to do in the miserable weather we're having!
Rx

Vincent said...

Dare I say "Seinfeld"? :-)

There's good comedy coming from England.

Personally I really don't like Friends, but I think I'm a small minority. I bought the 7, double sided, dvd set of Tom & Jerry last christmas. I think they qualify as 'epic' for me.

Incase you're wondering who I am btw, I'm Nicole's bf ;-)

I like your blog and your honesty.

Take it easy :-)

gledwood said...

You're right about English comedy redone: WHY do American execs feel the need for this? To justify their inflated paychecks that they fart back into their swivel chairs perhaps?

I mean why does everything have to be so Americacentric? I'm sure it's not the audience asking for this.

Why no CSI London? That would be my first choice of a new location. Not just another American city the same. Or why not CSI Montreal? Spice things up a bit. Come on you dull American fartycushion dying industry TV moguls. Get wid da programme or you will die out like the dinosaurs you are.

gledwood said...

Tom and Jerry: was that the classic 1950s ones? If I had money to buy rights those are the ones I'd buy and make a load of new Tom and Jerries as good as the first lot. I agree with you there T&J were fantastic/are fantastic. (Far better than Disney's Mickey Mouse. Does ANYONE actually REMEMBER seeing, let alone recall the plot of a Mickey Mouse cartoon? No. Because Mickey Mouse is Disney's trademark for something to put in those Walt Disney World parxx he's got all over the world ...)

Nicole said...

Seinfeld is my favourite sitcom of ALL TIME! Apart from that I'm a fan of documentaries.

ggirl said...

Yeah, I completely understand why American television has been viewed as rubbish. It is. I'll bet that some of the better examples may never have made it to your shores, though. Cosby. Fluff indeed.

Buck said...

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Caínha said...

Hello.
Thanks for your visit to my blog, and your comment too. First, I didn't realize that you were not Portuguese so I didn't quite understand what you meant for not understand my intellectual Portuguese :). The way I write is accessible for anyone who speaks Portuguese, I don't use any fancy words.
I also like very much the photos in Outsider blog. Annie has a special way of capturing nature wonders. I'm an usual visitor to her blog.
Fell free to came back to my blog and comment in English if you prefer.

Evil Spock said...

You brits and your icky food!

Vincent said...

Ahoi, yeah, the T&J's are the early ones. Incredibly beautiful soft colors, really nicely drawn and not to be forgotten great music.

With the exception of Dexter I don't really like any modern cartoons.

Denise S. Almeida said...

Hi! I saw a coment that you wrote on a blog called "Ardemares" and I couldn't pass without saying this... That picture of a beautiful mountain is of a portuguese one... Azorian! The higher point of Portugal. I know we are small... But please, try to understand that they are more moutains on the world beside South America.
Best regards,

Denise

Deb said...

really liked those pics gled...right up my alley. The veggie fingers fried in marge in wholemeal pita sounded good but you lost me with the ketchup (and I'm a ketchup lover)

junky said...

I'll see your Cosby Show and raise you Fawlty Towers...

Emma Zhou said...

Ur way of writing is also my style, mabe partly.
I love them, keep up. If so, I'll do so too, for I'd love to see another adition of life vs mine.

Gledwood said...

Cainha: the "intellectual Portuguese" was a joke because I don't actually speak it at all; I was just using that Babelfish translator to impress you!

Gledwood said...

Cainha: this is my original message translated back to English:

Compliments my friend. I cannot really understand intellectual its blog portuges but I love photographs! How local colored you keep here! I make one blog I am called too much that gledwood2.blogspot.com and you is the majority of boa.vinda to visit me. He is one blog of daily and the full one of my secrets and very different to the majority. To look at onward to see it there. All more better. Gledwood.

was it really transformed into such authentic Portuguese??

Gledwood said...

I was quite shocked when you were taken in my my reference to intellectualism ...

Gledwood said...

Said Gledwood... Cainha: "the intellectual Portuguese" was a joke because I really do not say it in everything; I age just using this translator of Babelfish imprimiz it! 28 February 2007 17:33 said Gledwood... Cainha: this is my translated original message stops backwards the English o: Elogía my friend. I cannot really understand the intellectual its portuges of blog but I love photographs! As the place colored it sustenance here! I make one blog that I am called too much who gledwood2.blogspot.com and you are the majority of boa.vinda to visit me. Blog of the daily one and the full one of my secrets and very different to the majority is ones. To look at avante to see it there. All better. Gledwood. was transformed really into such Portuguese authentic? 28 February 2007 17:38 said Gledwood... I was shocked completely when you my reference intellectualism was make reference to examination in mine...

Gledwood said...

I think that it is a completely vulgar idea that the demoralized seeds are due to place for the sale in the open market. You know that the companies that manipulate the genes of these plants are making only so to make sure that the seeds are sterile and that their impoverished African and South American farmers must return year after the year to more sterile seeds of the purchase of these thieves and thieves. This is blog that watches more interesting than you produce here my friend. If you wish to see mine go to xxx you you are most of the reception to visit. I ahead watch much to hear soon of you. Its English friend:.

(bloqueverde comment!)

Juliusz of Oz. said...

Gled you read books... Maybe you could find somewhere a book, any book by Polish writer Stanislaw Ignacy Witkiewicz (Witkacy) translated of course from Polish into English. You should like his writing style is similiar to yours which for me is superb. He can describe life and people as they are. Mind you he lived before II WW and during his life critics spat on his books, drawings and paitings. Witkacy experimented with all sorts of substances. I think he was a kind of genius. He never studied in institutions his dad could afford him private teachers so his mind was not destroyed.

What do you say about D. Attenborough? And I think British comedy is the best there is.

Juliusz of Oz. said...

... and yes the photos are calm and soft and I guess full of love?

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood