Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Tuesday's Child Has Far To Go

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tuesday's Child Has Far To Go

THAT'S THE RIGHT EXPRESSION, ISN'T IT? I'm not functioning today. Other than posting my mouse tale of last night and completing a few chores too dull to recount I barely slept more than four hours last night (oh, the sacrifice!!:--)so sleep comes stealing back at every opportunity. The day is miserably cold. I keep forgetting I caught cold last weekend. Is this an excuse to lounge around in bed? It's hardly as if an excuse were needed. The common cold cleans out the system and gives a boost. Interferon levels peak and soar. The immune system is polished and sparkling. A few of the old cobwebs have been blasted away (by all that coughing, I'd guess ...) Well that's the supposed theory.

But I just want to sleep all the time...

8 comments:

Deb said...: Gotta run...makeover day. I slept for four hours last night too...not helping with the eyebag issue at all!

Yes, it is an excuse. Take time to chill and worry about nothing. Sometimes you just need to listen to your body when it's telling you that. I'm a fine one to talk.

Back later my friend. Take care.

(haven't read your other post yet..will later)

Deb

XX; 6 February 2007 at 18:38
klini said...: Hmmm....wish I could lie in bed all day sometimes. But there is a cute 2-year old that probably wouldn't let me, whether I am sick or not.; 6 February 2007 at 19:16
RUTH said...: Just tiptoeing in so as not to wake you. Hope you wake feeling a little better.; 6 February 2007 at 19:44
Anonymous said...: Gledwood, remember me? You visited my blog ... just by chance! Anyway, thanks for your comment and have a good sleep ;); 7 February 2007 at 00:21
Deb said...: (psssst....sweet dreams); 7 February 2007 at 00:50
Anonymous said...: Sleep is a luxury, isn't it? But is it an excuse? Maybe ... I've done some amazing things when sleep-deprived but it's 1000% more difficult and I hate every minute of it.

I despise insomnia. If only there were a simple cure ...

By the way, I'm okay, just haven't posted in a couple days ...; 7 February 2007 at 04:04
Deb said...: (having a cold is a very valid "reason"/excuse to lounge around in bed is what i meant); 7 February 2007 at 07:06
Anonymous said...: I always believed a common cold cleaned the system out. But I'm with y'all on the relaxation. Any xcuse for a coupla hours extra zzzzzzz; 7 February 2007 at 15:24

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!