Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Sober Now

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Sober Now

WOW I WAS self-pitying earlier on, wasn't I? Well I had my "gear" and slept all afternoon and watched some rubbish on television and now I feel a lot better. Many thanks to everyone who got in touch. I'm not trying to scare people or shock people or be childish. Whenever I feel like that I am always put in the same quandry: to be careful what I say, for so many reasons. A trivial one being that I risk sounding like I'm just speaking for effect. Another one being that I don't want to cause people genuine hurt. The reasons go on ... On the other hand I did always call my blog "candid confessions". So if I'm not being "candid" and am holding off on the "confessions" I'm hardly being true to myself (or my blog) am I? Well I'm going to continue with my "theory of addiction" tomorrow ... Till then rest easy, y'all ...

PS Isn't it a pity we don't all speak the same language. Look what I found in Portuguese. It's intriguing. But I don't know that I'd have the patience to go through translating every paragraph ...

More I do not believe in the power of the sin, neither I import with that believe it, I only opt to living in a world where the truth is more proxima of that I feel. The people have of form so impregnated these ideias of that it is certain e is made a mistake that they finish living as marionettes in accordance with the values that it are impostas.E this make with that they leave to act, of living, not simplismente they dare to risk because such thing "is missed" and thus they finish seeing the life to pass without leaving the lugar.Por much time I was thus and today I see the quão donkey I was, in such a way of suffering that could have to evitado.Mudar everything this tambem is complicado..é very facil to be rock, dificil is to be glassware.

(From Psicotidiana)

10 comments:

Subversados said...: Kaixo. Estoy tan cansado ke ahora mismo me da pereza leer en inglés, pero quería agradecerte una vez más tu elogio.; 17 February 2007 at 22:39
Gledwood said...: = Kaixo. So I am tired ke right now gives laziness me to read in English, but your praise wanted agradecerte once again.; 17 February 2007 at 22:42
Gledwood said...: Hi Subverso y muchas gracias por su comentario. Fijé la traducción inglesa para arriba también. ¿Usted vio ese párrafo del individuo de Brazilian/Portuguese que puse para arriba también? Es una vergüenza que no puedo hablar esa lengua. Él se parece tener un blog fascinador. Recuerdos de Gledwood; 17 February 2007 at 22:44
bourbouli said...: Hola gledwood. Nice blog. Thanks for the link. I put your link as well.

I like your blog. Keep up.; 18 February 2007 at 01:17
Unknown said...: gledwood,

Greetings from The States, and more specifically New York City. Thank you for the kind words in regards to our blog (theweightonline.com). My brother, a good friend, and I began posting about three weeks ago about whatever comes to mind (as I'm sure you noticed is mainly about music and how it helps to get through the day). Please comment as the mood strikes you on our page and I will check in to see how you are doing based on your postings.

All the best,

Ryan

theweightonline.com; 18 February 2007 at 04:56
Wayward Son said...: Look at the dialog you attract from all over the world! It blows me away.

Perhaps to the detriment of your physical health you still have so much to offer and still manage to know joy and passion in between the lows. There is a point of difference between us (besides the huge schism between the physical effects of withdrawal from each of our poisons) and that is when I chose to quit I had no passion, no joy, no interests and no expectations from anyone or anything. Yeah, I had a few veins left where perhaps you do not. But man you sure have retained a passion for the world and the world for you. My complete isolation made my choice easy and shores up my determination each day. Knowing there's a bit of happiness out there when there didn't used to be is a strong motivator. If you quit this very minute things will seemingly get worse before they get better. For me they just got better and continue to do so. But can you just imagine how even more rich your life would be if you were not tethered to something you no longer want but that is difficult in the extreme to shake. It would be so worth it for the world if you could be even more of the great person you are. Consider that because, man, the world's in trouble and we need you to help make it better just like you do. This overly laudatory but I am dead serious. It's a fucked up world you have to save it.
Google these things on line. Rational Recovery and Emotional Freedom Techniques. They are so non NA and just one of many options out there. Just check em out and let me know what you think.

Okay, I'm gonna let it rest for a bit. I am preaching to the choir, I know. Doesn't make it not true.

Ms. Steel has extreme wealth yet she also has had her share of tragedy. Her son suffered from severe depression and took his own life. All her wealth could not protect him nor save him from himself. I read a quote recently that the truly wealthy are not those have much but those who need nothing. I can assure you she is poor in many respects.

There is a saying here that no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Certainly Danielle Steel has banked on that aspect of human nature and on an international scale. To me her writing is superfluous and formulaic. All her books that I have read have a heroine who is is hard working and never falters. She is ultimately betrayed by people to whom she has been nothing but kind and generous to. Sounds a bit like a deluded self perception to me. I'm am no one to judge—not that that ever stops me.

The word your looking for is ... who do you think I am? Your the Brit here. If you don't know it it's highly unlikely some tremulous Yank will. (LOL) I am at a loss my friend but I'll keep on thinking about it and probably be like you and spend the whole night looking up every word that comes to mind. It's a good way for us to increase our vocabulary.

Just like they say it's the journey and not the destination! I've been killing everyone with platitudes today just to piss off Ann Coulter. You should read her shit—it is the vilest thought one can imagine.

Best, WS; 18 February 2007 at 05:09
dyseluxon said...: Hi I stumbled across your blog and I can't help but notice the way your write.

Yes it is true that we're all allowed a little bit of self-pity to aid us along the way, but indulgence can encourage chaos. I've never personally been addicted to anything, unless you count music and acting, but transfer your addiction elsewhere, find something to grasp your focus and energy! I think you have a beautiful mind and a lot of what you write stimulates thought. Don't lose that gift, and don't let it be taken away from you because of an addiction you know isn't right in the first place.

Please don't think me presumptuous, I'm merely giving my humble two cents worth.

All the Best!; 18 February 2007 at 05:26
Anonymous said...: I'm not really sure what I want to say yet feel like I should say something. Life is cruel and the pain some of us feel others will never understand.

Congratulations on sharing your inner-most self; I hope you find peace, or at least a piece of the worldly pie we all deserve.; 18 February 2007 at 10:14
Anonymous said...: Yes, you should be free to post anything you'd like, and have the chips fall where they may. This is your blog and no one else's; you should feel free to be yourself here, warts and all. Writing is therapeutic, and honesty even more so. You are at your best, Gledwood, when you are being open and honest, with us and with yourself. Just my two cents' worth.

By the way, where is London City Airport? When coming to London before I've flown into Heathrow, Gatwick, Stansted ... never heard of City Airport before. I'm flying in from Frankfurt on Tuesday ...; 18 February 2007 at 13:01
Anonymous said...: Danielle Steel - what a character!!; 18 February 2007 at 18:40

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!