HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Hi I had a yummy dinner. Watched all manner of sea-slug type jellyfish critters illuminating under the sea (wildlife sunday on UKTV history) ... Mother H has seen each programme twice today at least as it goes round on a loop, ended up with Ski Sunday in Sweden (I find that show so incredibly dull, reminds me of my teenage years ...) our friend Rebsie (Rebecca) came round who is on an internet/computers/adult ed course. She says she's going to "email" me "something from wikipedia" just to prove she can do it (which would be quite something from Rebs bc two years ago she was drinking so much (not to mention heroin) she was literally dissolving her insides (& alcohol is a solvent: see what it does to ballpoint pen ink ...) now she says she's had enough of that life and is dead set on getting a job (which, to her credit, she has actually had before, unlike so many other junkies) ... and the lady is close on 50. So all respect to her.

Having said that I wasn't in the mood for other people's jokes and stories about so-n-so doing this and other person saying that so I made my excuses in the best tradition of News of the World journalists, and left. It was freezing cold.

Went home. Barely any of that methadone is left so I'm going real easy on it ... had horrific diarrhoea this afternoon (yes like y'all wanted to know that) ... only a scabbed together shot of grotesque seconds made me better ... erm ... I'm going to go now before I totally gross everyone out. Not much else to say anyhow ...

Tomrorrow is another day... (Why am I falling into cliches territory?..)

PS Bonnie Tyler was on the radio: Total Eclipse of the Heart. I can't usually stand that Meatloaf kind of music, but that one I really like. And she's so fun-ny, as she'd pronounce in her overwhelming Welsh accent .... okay till L8R...

8 comments:

Nicole said...

Hello! Your comment on my blog made me laugh because of that retarded picture I took. I do love to hear from people who are cruising past the blog. I'm always very interested in how other people live and what they do.

I was reading your profile and you know, one of my best friends in Frankfurt has been addicted since we were at school and he's currently still on a very good programme that the city of Frankfurt provides.

This has meant that he could stop stealing and prostituting himself and kept his apartment and found work and a girlfriend and granted, you're still addicted to something... in fact I don't think it's even methadone anymore, I think they just give them daily doses of clean H. so they know what they're getting. It's so much better than being out on the streets.

I'm not sure if London has anything like that. Most places are unsympathetic.

Deb said...

I remember Bonnie Tyler!

It's cold here today, rainy and ugly and cold...which is why I've planted my ass right here with a hot cup of coffee and a blankie. For now, anyhow.

RUTH said...

Glad you've eaten well... think you're getting "ageist"....first you tell Maqira to visit me cos "she's more your age"....now you're surprised someone "close on 50" can handle a computer course !!!!!!
Think I'd better get my flannelette nightie on, stick on my hairnet and hobble to bed and rest my poor 54 year old bones......LOL
love from Bloggergrandma Ruth
xx

catsndogs said...

haha.. that's a really bloddy sunday u had.
i slept the whole damn sunday coz frens came down from the North, brought them for clubbing... and went for 3 clubs in one night.
is really killinm me man.... :d

Eowyn said...

So, guess what? I also have great difficulty inserting other links into my posts and now I'm hoping to learn from all the excellent advice you've received here. Also . . . I'm hoping you can do it. I'll be checking back to see how it goes. You can be my inspiration!

Sounds like you have a tough row to hoe in general; I admire your courage. Take good care yourself.

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I'm glad you got back to me, you seem a real character. (& I still envy you for living in Amsterdam. Not just because of the "free living, liberalism & drugs everyone goes on about.) I'm not sure the Dutch are actually that different from the English. I'd like to live in Holland okay! "the Netherlands" bc they're more creative & imaginative with their living solutions ... (both re social probs & floating houses)... know what I mean.???

Debs - yes Bonnie Tyler's wonderful! I've had that song going round in my head all weekend. I understand exactly why she says she never gets fed up of performing it ...

Ruth: ooer, so you saw that!!!

Cats-&-Dogs: you are 1 crazy man ...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood