Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Laundretta's Howling

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Laundretta's Howling

LAUNDRETTA HAS TAKEN to sleeping for the last couple of nights on the first floor landing (that is the second floor to you Americans) outside the bathroom. Yesterday night she lay there one breast exposed, a half-drunk bottle of white wine beside her, using her handbag as a pillow and snoring away. She has been rowing (row rhymes with cow: our word for a marital/relationship "fight") with Matran the Rat Man. Although I dislike him for many reasons he has been strikingly stoical in the face of her acting out. Many many times she slams doors (literally all hours of day and night) bellows his name, insults him, has one-sided conversations (as if anyone listening gives a s---) etc, throws tantrums and worst of all indulges in spates of forced "crying" when she either squeals like a swine trapped by the balls, or a wolf trying out for coloratura soprano operatics. It all sounds very false. I never remarked to myself that there was anything so unusual about this because everyone bar no-one who has ever lived in my house (self included) is deranged in some way. And when they did first move in I was so off the planet in my own little way that other people's 4am howlings... well they barely impinged on my consciousness.

I was most ungracious to my visitors yesterday as they called round in the middle of a personal sulk. Well I don't know what else to call it. I was hibernating today as well, until about 4pm when I finally decamped from the nest I built using duvets etc in the middle of a pile of rugs on the floor (why am I admitting to this? Why do I do it? I don't have an answer to either except I find a lot of beds far too soft.)

So I basically live in a madhouse. I'm only shocked I've managed to come out of there daily so very sane ...

6 comments:

Nicole said...: I don't know what to say to that. I don't think I'd put up with that amount of shit no matter how addicted I was to anything.; 22 February 2007 at 18:52
Dan said...: Sorry to hear you're having so many problems there dude.

Can't you move?; 22 February 2007 at 19:01
Anonymous said...: Nicole I am so totally used to it when I'm sleeping I sleep through it when I'm not it's free entertainment at best or a rolling soap-opera at worst....; 22 February 2007 at 22:44
Gledwood said...: Dan: you know that phrase "better the devil you know"? This is emergency council hostel housing and they're all pretty much the same ...

Still I can't imagine much worse than here so you have a point.

I'm more into just upping sticks and leaving the country. When I do I'm never coming back.; 22 February 2007 at 23:28
rowan said...: didn't know you lived in the above described environment.I like the term "one sided conversation"- that verbaggage fits my counterpart very much also. What is a duvet? What part of AMerica do you live in exactly? (Confused- sometimes I get the feeling you are in australia from the differences in how we use language) you post so frequently- i cant keep up. Mostly cuz my life is so insane everytime I post i dont even have time. Loved your descriptions here but mostly left me with quesions.So you moved here in a junkie stupor. is the rent unbelievably low and what prevents you from moving out?
If any of the above questions have proved too personal feel free to email me. If I have been annoying you with my comments lately, easily misinterpreted over email,let me know.; 23 February 2007 at 06:43
Morganna said...: Hello!

I read its commentary. I very liked to know that you blog liked it mine. Sad for not knowing to say English. But I liked it very its blog. however if I knew English I would be better. I wait that in let us say more times to them.

I more late hug and kiss until =*****; 24 February 2007 at 20:39

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!