HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Wish I Could Find a Good Book to Read...

Someone's dumped a K2-sized mound of romantic fiction at the drugs clinic. Books with titles like A Woman of Substance by BTB and Granny Dan by Danielle Steel. Granny Dan!! I mean ... who would call a book that?? Come on, Danielle!

Because all were free I took some away --well that is my excuse-- and have been in tormented attempts to stick with reading any of them ever since. Barbara Taylor Bradford is, I think the best writer of this bunch. Her paragraphs are quite nicely woven together. Danielle Steel ... well how the woman ever got into print, let alone managed to sell so many gerzillions of copies defeats me and is, I believe, a sad indictment upon the "literature"-reading public. Honestly. Too Much Too Soon by Jacqueline Briskin is about three sisters embroiled in a passionate tale of love, hatred and revenge. The severely 1980s cover is what attracted me here. I don't think any of these novels are going to get finished. At least not by me. The only book I discovered which I am sticking with is called The Lives of Danielle Steel; can't remember who it's by but it's a fascinating tale that makes me feel more confounded about who Danielle Steel actually is and what makes her tick than ever before. She seems the most peculiar mixture of character and experience. One aspect about her for which I have no sympathy: this woman has never been short of a dollar in her entire life. Has never scrimped and saved out of necessity. Has no idea whatsoever how it feels to be so broke you have to be pulled away from pizza slices hanging out of rubbish bins...

Having said that, she does understand personal tragedy. Had a "bipolar" son who died of drugs. Married four times. One wedding took place in prison. Another husband was a junkie. Can't remember anything about hubby number one (well I only dip through books like this, I never read them in order. I'm an enormously selective reader. Besides, I have all the attentionspan of a fruit fly.

Why am I hammering on about Danielle Steel. Of all people. My Mum likes her books. I can't stand them. The best writer of trash in my opinion is Jacqueline Susann. Valley of the Dolls. Now that is a schlockbusting masterpiece!!! The last novel I stuck with to the end was The Da Vinci Code. In mitigation may I submit to the jury that I was unaware upon purchasing this that it had just recently outsold Michael Jackson's Thriller. I did not realize it was a "phenomenon". I was just taken in by probably the same aspects everyone else was... the absurd mixture of high culture, gnostic thought and lowbrow action thriller. I love a good thriller. Usually I go for stuff by people like Harlan Coben, Stephen King, (actually James Herbert is better for horror, he doesn't rabbit on nearly as much). & so on. What was I gibbering on about? Oh yes The Da Vinci Code ... the last book I read. Well I am a heroin addict, so how else to you expect me to furnish my intellect??

In closing... what am I supposed to say? I watched some television this evening and got so rapidly bored. Such tripe, you wouldn't believe. The only good thing on was an enactment of a rape trial, with fly-on-wall filming of the (celebrity) jury. They used celebs not to be tacky, but so that, knowing a little of their private lives, we might have a headstart on their individual prejudices and points of view. Jeffrey Archer is there ... who has done prison time for perjuring a libel trial in which he won a half a million pounds back in the 1980s. Years later it turned out he had seriously perverted the course of justice ... Now Lord Archer always used to be a bombastic self-trumpeting bore. A member of parliament. A high-ranking Conservative politician. A businessman. And of course a "bestselling novelist". To his credit, he's produced some superbly crafted short stories, though his novels (excepting Kane and Abel) aren't really up to much ... He's quietened down considerably and actually struck me as quite a wise (or perhaps the word is "observant") man. Who clashed instantly with the intolerable bore of the group, womanbeating exfootballer Stan Collymore. Who wins my personal prize for "person I would least like to be seated next to at a dinner party" ...

Quite fascinating to see how the real life bias and prejudices of a group affect the dynamic of a jury ...

Well I'm fading fast here from fatigue because it is approaching 1am and beddybyes is calling me (yet again!!) so I'll love yer and leave y'all and see yers tomorrow. By the way:--Does any of this posting actually make sense??


Keshi said...

u know I used to be a book-bug too..now I read blogs. Much more interesting and real :)


Gledwood said...

Yeah I know what you mean. Also great for the focusally-deprived like me!!!

Sonya said...

Yes, I am a real person (not a commercial!!). Thanks for the kind feedback on my comics, I really appreciate it!

Gledwood said...

Good!! I'm sincerely glad of that bc your blog is excellent. It was just the name Post-It that made me wonder.... See yer later


Sarah said...

I have a very tiny attention span too. I get fidgety when reading novels, because I always feel like I should be doing like a hundred other things, and my mind just won't slow down to focus on what I'm reading.I'v e got a library of hundreds of books here at home. So many lovely titles and I've STARTED all of them, but finished only a few.. Anyway so now I've moved on to young adult fiction. Really good stuff out there for that age range and it's bite-sized ya know? I just read an amazing book (and finished it too!) called "The old country" by mordicai gernstien (i think that's the correct spelling) I was sucked in my the cover artwork, and the book is just a great mix of fairytale and goth, with a bit of politics. Wonderful!
Ok this is embarrasingly long. Sorry!

junky said...

At least that insufferable hack Ann Rice wasn't hoisted on you, that is some of the worst writing ever.

slaghammer said...

My granny recently passed on and left me forty, maybe fifty romance novels. I know for sure I’ll never read any of them but I doubt I’ll ever be able to throw them away. She was a hard core, partying old hell raiser and it makes me smile when I think of her hiding those things under her bed as if nobody would ever find them.

Anonymous said...

I liked Blink, by Ted Dekker. Let me know what you think about it!

gledwood said...

Ann Rice-- I was surprised in a way after the New Orleans hurricaine not to have heard anything of/from/about her bc she was, as far as I was concerned, the most famous person/thing to come outta New Orleans. Her novel "Lestat" has turned into a musical now & is on in London.

I found her writing to be ... yeah, I found it "unatmospheric". That she writes about vampires as banal-ly as someone writing a shopping list. Well that's what I recalled about it ...

Women on the Verge said...

If you're serious about wanting a good book, try The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger. It was absolutely wonderful!!!


Wayward Son said...

Admittedly I have glossed over this posting but two things have caught my attention.

First there is the matter of marriages in a novel you were reading. It brought to mind novel marriages in literature or a better term might be "publishing". From the movie, Gone With The Wind, we know that Scarlet O'Hara was married twice before having wed Rhett Butler. But the movie omits from the book the part about her having also born a child by each preceding husband. Had Margaret Mitchell lived to write a sequel,I wonder if she ever would have dealt with the deep and disturbing psychosis that surly Scarlett's first two children would have suffered. Would Rhett and Scarlett's wealth save them? With Melanie dying, who would be there to offer these forgotten children comfort and understanding. they would be perfect candidates for absinthe addiction. These issues were glaringly absent from the pointedly commercial sequel.

The second thing that caught my attention is your request for a good book. With your new found amusement (hysterical, by the way) in translations in mind, have you ever read any of David Sedaris' work, specifically Me Talk Pretty One Day. The title is born out of the realization that while living in France and attempting to learn French he was unwittingly speaking a very childish sounding version of the language. He writes short stories mostly, some of which over lap from book to book. The book titles are Me Talk Pretty One Day, Naked, Barrel Fever, and Holidays On Ice. There are two stories of note somewhere within these four volumes. One was his recalling his experience as an holiday elf at the Christmas Shop at Macy's flagship store on Herald Square. The other is his recollection of a brief period when he used crystal meth—a hilarious tale that left no tweak unturned. The only line I can recall at the moment is from neither story but goes like this. "You know you have lived in a small town when you make it all the way to the tenth grade without ever having seen a mime." he goes on to tell of is fleeting but otherwise utter fascination and ensuing obsession with mimes.

His sister, Amy, who's Strangers With Candy sit com on the Comedy Channel was nothing short of genius is our country's Jennifer Saunders or as close as we will ever get.

I hope this is all news to someone if not you.

All my best,


Juliusz of Oz. said...

I am reading since I was 15 (now 56). My first beloved book was Trial by F. Kafka - I read it maybe 20-30 times and I will read it again (be aware it is very depressing) it desribes close to the real life like a life in schizophrenic society of a 'normal' person...

I think Kafka's body produced a particular mind alreting substance naturally and he could see. He could see what others could not. Like eg. Vincent Van Gogh. We (most of us) 'normal' mortals have just minute quantities of that and never notice the real life.

Reading him was so... joining/uniting with him or his soul or spirit cannot describe. Magic. Hypnotism?

Your writing is so much drawing in, how is that?


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood