HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 05, 2007

Mopeful Monday: Common Cold

IT'S NOT LONG AFTER 8PM, yet it feels incredibly late and glary. This monitor is demi-migraining me out with its flickeriness & pixxelated psychic zigzzagging ... yes I am prone to migraines in the so-called "classical" format which nonsufferers find so bizarre & difficult to comprehend. Far from being a mere headache, classical migraine kicks off with an "aura" that involves disrupted eyesight (typically, something similar to the visual sensation you experiences when someone lets off a camera flash at you in gloomy ambience and the dazzle refuses to shift for a few minutes). Mentally you tend to feel vague. You can go numb (often down one side). Some people have even got temporarily paralysed. Nausea hits. Vomiting is common. And all this from a medical condition that probably qualifies as "most used excuse to justify time off from work of all time..."

Once I was sat on a chair minding my own business at my friend's house, got up from the chair. Blood rushed out of my head. Too quickly, as it turns out. Something resembling a spangly-flish-flashing curtain had instantaneously been pulled across literally 80% if not 90% of my field of vision. I was totally blind in one eye, nearly all blind in the other. The only sight I had left was a strip down the right hand side. It was like when digital television messes up. My vision had all gone except for this one neat remaining strip. Literally I was BLIND.

Told my best mate what had happened. I wasn't panicking, so much as utterly bemused. He told me to "look" straight ahead (not that anything was there to see) keeping my eyes wide open. Next thing I felt was something in my eye. I'm irritated to recall this as this was so typical of him. He had to test me, didn't he? Had to disbelieve and doubt. And he'd poked his finger right in my eye.

What else can I say about this? Except that most people would perhaps have smacked him one in his eye. I was used to contact lenses, so his finger didn't perhaps bother me as badly it might someone who wasn't used to fingers going in their eye. And there aren't really nerves on the eyeball, so it didn't hurt either. But what an imposition! What a cheek!! Thinking back I'm still irritated with him. That action was so typical of the guy. But on the other hand I'm glad that my outrageously extreme migraine story does at least have one person who can vouch that I did go blind, it was true ... Anyhow, migraine continued:--

Then I got a headache so bad that no tablets at all would touch it. Migraine headache tends to be focused on one point in the head, like being stabbed by a knitting needle. And any movement of the head, like walking or even just turning the head perhaps is agony ... This went on for three days. Eventually the doctor gave me something mysterious in the form of anti-inflamatory injection. He may as well have injected water. But the migraine eventually faded.

So that's my three-day migraine story. And BTW I pronounce it my-graine. I've noticed that mee-graine is more often used by people imploring time off work, by selfish people and liars. E.g. Penelope Keith said "mee-graine" in To the Manor Born ...

As for today, my methadone sickness has turned out to be a common cold ... so I was sneezing for a reason last night in my multiple six-eight-ten sneezes sessions. Diarrhoea is going (aren't you all delighted for that titbit!!). And no, I do not have bird flu!!!

Before I sign off, let me trawl my mind for possible incursions into sanity ... (why did I say that? My cousciousness, fresh as a mountain stream? Or a polluted industrial effluence discourse...? O wot does this mean?

It means, Gleds, that you've nothing to say and should really have signed off two paragraphs ago! Okay. I just want to say hi to all the people I met while blog-hopping earlier on. There were loads of them. I've a notebook full of urls, and some of the best have gone in my links already. One thing the internet has shown me truly and well: that there is talent spread out among the general population that is genuinely amazing. The blogworld has its writers, photographers, designers, artists, pundits who are just as good as their paid and paper-published counterparts... if not far better.

So the days of that head-up-the-anus breed of newspaper columnist, in my view, are well and truly numbered. Us bloggers do the self-same job just as well-- and for free-!!


Anonymous said...

I get that sort of shit with my M.E. I convince myself I have overdone it with the booooze and it turns out later that every bloke and his cat has had the same sort of shit but not so bad.

I have no immune system, so I have to work out wether I have poisoned my own system or it is the work of some foreign agent i.e. a virus. terribly hard work, sometimes..

Gledwood said...

ME, you mean as in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ..? I know that shit. You have my sympathy.

Gledwood said...

ME, you mean as in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ..? I know that shit. You have my sympathy.

gledwood said...

Why do my comments keep coming up twice? I find that so irritating !!

Deb said...

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at the finger in the eye story...I pictured a Laurel & Hardy type skit and the two of you bumbling around together. I'm glad you're not blind though.

I've never had a migraine and I'm lucky to not get headaches....it sounds awful.

This blog world is fascinating, isn't it? It can easily suck an entire day away....I've all but thrown out the TV.

(and you're one of my favorite reads...just thought I'd mention)

RUTH said...

Poor you....I've never had a migraine but have heard how terrible they are.

Anonymous said...

Its Deja-vue, Gledwood.
Dejau-vue, Gledwood.

Deja-vue, Gledwood.

Deja-vue, Gledwood.

Gledwood said...

& there I was ... sure I'd seen that somewhere before ...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood