Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Snow!

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Snow!

I WOKE UP TO A WHITE & SILENT WORLD. Fabulous flakes of snow were spiralling, thick in the air, like with the feathers of a million doves. Snow was everywhere. All around the beercan on our back roof. And right across every back garden, back lawn, back fence. Giving way only to black pits and ditches and lines and scratches of the reality lurking beneath.

Now the snow is wet and slushy. The cars swoosh past on watery grit. Well we had magic for a couple of hours and it's swiftly dying. Life is like that. It always is ...

PS Can't tell you how sorely tempted I was to get overpoetic and write "I woke up into a white & silent world this morn"... I thought that would make y'all "LOL", that's all ...

PPS I'm sorting through the competition answers this evening London time so there's still time to get your amazing perceptive wisdom into the contest!!!

OK I'm sure I had a quadrillion other things to say but they escape me so I'm orf ... till L8R my friends ....

10 comments:

RUTH said...: I made a snowman!!!....yes at my age!!! Enjoy your day...and finish the poem....I like your poetical side!!
Rx; 8 February 2007 at 13:08
Deb said...: I'm tired of snow...we're not used to it here. But your description made it loveable.

The grey slush that soaks everything isn't much fun...that I can always live without. We're headed for what looks like a beautiful day here. :); 8 February 2007 at 19:05
Nicole said...: I think we got the same batch of snow here!; 8 February 2007 at 19:40
Anonymous said...: Just a pitiful whimper of dandruff like flakes here in Lincolnshire. And then it was gone. We never get any extreme weather here, so wishy-washy charlie brown....; 8 February 2007 at 20:03
Anonymous said...: And no, I'm nowt to do with Grumpyworld! (honest) He's on the other side of the country to me.; 8 February 2007 at 20:05
Anonymous said...: Talking of "beercan" try saying the word without sounding like a Jamaican talking about fried pork......; 8 February 2007 at 20:15
rowan said...: My love my love my love what do you think of my last two entries? Not to be self-centered but I am eagerly awaiting your thoughts.
PS. I know you must have no libido being a junkie like me and all but I just want you and everybody else to know that My shaved pussy looks hot. When I go to pee I look at it and pet it and am proud of it even if my powerful pelt is gone.
PPS. I wish you could have listened in to the conversation I had with Michael last night. I wish you could watch the video of my life and me the video of yours and then we could sit and talk. Please send me a photo of you soon. I need to know you are real. I need to know if you are ugly or pretty. It doesn't matter to me one way or the other. I just need to have an image to project onto.; 8 February 2007 at 21:03
Evil Spock said...: "Now the snow is wet and slushy. The cars swoosh past on watery grit."

Evil Spock finds that poetic, though not overly so. Thanks for visiting The Few and linking moi. Evil Spock will be returning the favor.

Oh, if you'd be so inclined, I'm Evil Spock. If you can change that on your blogroll, I'd be thankful.; 8 February 2007 at 21:50
none said...: No snow here ever. My kids get excited when it hails. I have to keep them from running out and trying to catch one on their tongue..; 9 February 2007 at 00:31
catsndogs said...: cool .. the last time i came to see snow was like 5 years back in japan....
in malaysia, don dream of seeing snow, u will only get summer whole damn year...
one of the way to feel the coldness besides than on the air-corn is to go to my kitchen n open the damn refrigirater n stuck the head in for hours.; 9 February 2007 at 07:52

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!