WELL THAT WAS A BIT OF A curt and to the point post about Laundretta. That's what comes of typing straight into the computer, not reading it back and pressing PUBLISH without any consideration. But my rule of nondeletion means it has to stay. I keep things in despite the humiliation they cause to myself. Despite the bad light they throw on me. I'm not keeping this blog to look cool or together (what a lie that would be!) I'm striving to tell the truths about addiction that go so frequently untold. There are many, many of them.
As for Laundretta's situation (she cancelled out on an operation that should have been scheduled for today) she has my full sympathy. I think her anaesthetist told her to drink as little alcohol as she possibly could and to use as little opiates on top of her methadone script as she possibly could. So what did she do but go on an alcohol bender all weekend. I know precisely how she must have felt. Ever-increasingly wound up inside. Conflict building, building up. And she relieves the conflict the way an addict always does by taking the drug, maybe messing up the situation but simplifying it at the same time. What can be more straightforward than using, using, using. As per normal? I remember the day I went to a private clinic to be switched to Subutex (buprenorphine). To do this you need to be taking as little heroin (and in particular methadone) as possible. I was told to turn up as withdrawal-sick as I could bear. Of course I could not bear it. So I used and actually used more than I would have done if I'd just used as per normal. Using to try and desperately steady my nerves. What a hopeless task. And then, having been told by the doctor to take the first dose of Subutex when I really was craving a hit, I took it half way home. Because I was craving. I'd have had a hit (ordinarily, assuming I had "gear" on me, the minute I got in through the door). So as far as I was concerned I was indeed craving. He didn't mean psychologically craving. He meant physically craving. That is what did it for me. The too-early dose of the buprenorphine precipetated some pretty horrible withdrawal symptoms. NutNut wanted to call an ambulance. No way! I protested. No way was I going to feel like that, writhing on an Accident and Emergency trolley!... know what I mean??!? So I just toughed it out, as I had no option but to ... eventually awakening the next morning feeling bright and early and very very vivid. The Subutex had reset my system. A miracle drug: I didn't feel like a junkie anymore.
Laundretta has my sympathy because in her shoes I don't see that I'd have done anything different at all. Only perhaps despite the drinking I'd still have dragged myself in the hospital, looking forward to being knocked out cold very much indeed..!
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
8 hours ago